


The Namer's Dilemma

by spacialstars



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, M/M, Magical Realism, Music, Romance, Second year, Song - Freeform, first year, lyrics, namer!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-18 13:43:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 46,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14853887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacialstars/pseuds/spacialstars
Summary: Kei’s world had always been built on music and sounds. A sunset was colored by his brother calling him for dinner after he’d been playing outside for too long. A new CD album snapped opened, its plastic case cracked under his fingers. His mother hummed an old jazz tune while she woke every morning at seven without fail to get ready for her morning deliveries. It was what made herBrightly.As far as anyone else was concerned, Kei had a gift.In Kei's opinion, he was just a namer.





	1. It was a beautiful spring day...

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fawnfiction](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fawnfiction/gifts).



> Happy Birthday ~ ! Hope you like this one. I'll post the next chapter when I complete it later this week. I really wanted to finish it all by your birthday but naturally instead of a 2k fic I ended up with a 30k fic. You know how it goes. 
> 
> Gigantic love to my beta, [sardonic_at_heart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sardonic_at_heart), who took on my writing even in a time crunch, who helped me brainstorm ideas and most importantly recommended songs.
> 
> Special thanks to S80 for giving me special permission to write this fic and for being the moral support I needed while I lost sleep and my sanity. 
> 
> Spoilers for the manga will be up to chapter 304 of the Nekoma match. The canon lines were translated with a mixture of fan and self translation of both the manga and the anime. Some of it was altered to better fit my writing style. All song titles will be listed at the end each chapter.
> 
> This one's for you trash friend.

He hadn’t meant to leave for home so late that day, but meeting their seniors was a necessity and Kei knew Tadashi had wanted them to go together. The sun was already setting and the yellow lights of the gym cast stark windows into the lengthening shadows. 

The steel doors were gaping when they got there. As they approached, Kei braced himself, turning up the soothing piano playing from his earphones around his neck. Tadashi hadn’t noticed the movement above his own excitement. 

A volleyball slammed into the floor in front of them and veered away into the wall. The distinct slapping of palms into soft leather and squeaking gym shoes tossed Kei back into his childhood where he learned a name of the girl who once served a ball into his face.

_Relent_

To Kei’s relief, his future teammates remained unnamed. Tadashi bounced beside him, already wanting to be a part of this new adventure but too afraid to take the leap himself. Kei was still getting used to his friend’s new height he obtained over the short spring break. His mother was surprised when his friend had picked him up for school the first morning and mused that maybe Tadashi might one day grow taller than Kei. 

He genuinely hoped not, but he hadn’t said that aloud.

“Do you think they’ll let us practice with them, Tsukki?” Tadashi turned the full force of his elation towards Kei.

He snorted, avoiding the hope in his friend’s eyes, “If you wanted to practice today, you should’ve said something earlier. I didn’t even bring my gym clothes.”

“Oh, yeah me neither,” Tadashi deflated. He returned his attention back to the Karasuno team leaping one-by-one to spike over the net. 

One of the teammates called with a booming voice for a practice game lineup. It was then that Kei and Tadashi was noticed, and the guy loped over to greet them, leaving his team to their own devices. 

“You must be our two other first-years,” he started easily and bowed only slightly, “My name is Daichi Sawamura. My name preference is Daichi and I’m the captain.” 

Tadashi’s bow was much lower than Kei’s, “I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi and my preference is Tadashi.”

“Tsukishima Kei. No preference.”

“Please take care of us!”

“Hey, you don’t have to be so formal! Our team isn’t so strict on those kind of things,” Daichi’s smile was friendly enough and despite his dramatic height difference compared to two first-years, he didn’t seem at all intimidated. 

Tadashi took the helm of the conversation, “Did you say there were two other first-years joining?”

Daichi nodded, “If they survive the practice match of course. We had some problems yesterday, but once they come around I think they could be an important fixture to our team.”

Kei grimaced. How has there already been teammate issues? Practices hadn’t even started yet.

“You’ll both be playing them tomorrow, so you best start brushing up,” the captain continued, “Just take it easy. I only want to see what you both can do.”

“Okay!” Tadashi stood tall. Kei nodded. 

“You’re both welcome to join us or watch for awhile.”

“We didn’t bring any gym clothes,” Kei spoke up.

“Daichi!” One of the teammates called.

He raised his palm towards the court and returned his attention to Kei and Tadashi, “You can borrow someone’s spare if you like. You want to?”

“That would be great!” Tadashi leapt for the opportunity. Kei tried not to feel annoyed. If he wanted to practice, he would have brought his own uniform. 

Daichi called for his team to join them. They chorused in a solid shout that echoed around the gym and shook the floor. It reverberated through Kei’s entire body and flipped a familiar switch Kei’s brain. The Japanese formed on his tongue and left his mouth before he could stop it:

“ _The One Who Stands_.”

Daichi’s spine convulsed. His shoulders tensed and goosebumps raised across his skin. He spun back towards Kei and Tadashi, his eyes wide first with shock, fear and finally with unbridled awe. He searched Kei and then back at his team as if he was seeing them for the first time, which in some way he probably was. His next words were breathless, “You’re a namer.” 

Kei sensed Tadashi flinch. He swallowed back his annoyance and stood his ground, “Is that a problem?”

“No, of course not,” Daichi responded quickly, but his gaze wandered back to his team who were now waiting nearby and watching their exchange with more attention than Kei was comfortable with. He tried to ignore them.

“I don’t like other people knowing about this,” Kei clarified. 

Daichi nodded, “I understand. I won’t tell them if that is what you want, but you’ll have to register-”

“I know,” Kei bit back the sharpness of his tone and stepping back towards the doors. _The One Wh_ \- Daichi was still his superior and Kei still needed to be civil. It wasn’t his fault Kei slipped-up. 

If Daichi was offended he didn’t show it. Kei could tell the effect was fading because the fascination was disappearing from Daichi’s eyes. He watched Kei’s slow backwards retreat, “We’ll see you both tomorrow?”

“Yes, sir!” Tadashi bowed and grabbed Kei’s arm to tug him out of the gym doors. He could hear Daichi attempting to cover their exit.

His best friend dragged him around the corner of the gym and dropped his arm quickly, looking both sheepish and agitated, “Sorry Tsukki…”

Kei fixed his glasses and grit his teeth. The mask of indifference fell over him with practiced ease, “It’s not your fault. You don’t have to apologize.”

“Oh. Yeah… sorry… Tsukki.” 

Kei fiddled with his headphones. 

Tadashi caught the movement, “Do you want to go for a walk or something?”

Kei shrugged. He didn’t want to but he didn’t really want to go home either and he felt dumb for overreacting in the gym. His best friend didn’t seem to notice his reluctance and led the way back towards the school building, “Karasuno is pretty cool isn’t it?”

“How would I know?”

“Didn’t you see them? They’re so serious! And they even have that scary guy, with the bald head? And the sound the ball made when it hit their hands like WHAM!” Tadashi mimed hitting the volleyball in a bad overhead swing.

“But they’re called ‘The Flightless Crows’ for a reason,” Kei lowered the volume of his music until it was a tinny whine sweeping the near silence of an emptying campus. It restarted its loop, the first chord was too bright comparatively to the situation. Kei debated changing the song since he was in a safer environment. The only other sounds were the other sports teams finishing for the day out in the field. 

Tadashi’s positive attitude was barely tempered, “What do you think the other first-years are like? They must be idiots to already be in hot water on the first day.”

“Mm.”

“I wonder what they did.”

“Doesn’t really matter.”

“Just wondering, Tsukki…”

His best friend went on talking for awhile as they strolled the perimeter of the campus. Despite the lengthening spring days, the sun dropped out of the sky at a surprising pace. They rounded the back where the soccer field was dimly illuminated by stadium lights and saw two figures “tossing” a volleyball to one another near a tree. Their coordination was laughable, but the fact that they were even still on campus practicing irked Kei’s already bad mood. One of them yelled at the shorter and Kei couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d heard that voice before.

“Isn’t that the guy from Kitagawa Daiichi?” Tadashi piped from beside him.

The switch in Kei’s mind flipped. He pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his trash playlist and found the song he had abandoned months ago. A mellow Beethoven concerto sang along a minor key and Kei recalled being annoyed that even such an obscure piece needed to be tossed away. He looked back towards the pair and then at the taller boy.

_King_

Sometimes even people who couldn’t name got it right.

A sadistic need itched beneath Kei’s skin. He was moving before he could stop himself, “Let’s go say hello.”

“W-What?” Tadashi hurried after him.

He watched the ball arch over the shorter boy and timed his entrance perfectly, snatching it out of the air. He knew his smile wasn’t sincere, but he couldn’t help it, “You wouldn’t happen to be the first years who caused problems on the first day?”

Just as Kei knew he would, Tadashi chimed in from behind him, “And why on earth are you wearing t-shirts in this weather? Are you idiots?”

The shorter boy jumped for the ball held just out of his reach, “Give that back!”

Kei didn’t even wonder what his name was. It couldn’t be that impressive, “Shouldn’t elementary-schoolers be at home?”

“Who the heck-”

“You must be the other first-years joining the club,” _King_ stepped forward. His face was scrunched and Kei could feel himself being judged and examined and was enjoying every moment of it. He remembered the other boy’s given name too, which was easy seeing as no one talked about anyone else throughout the entire tournament. 

Kageyama Tobio.

“How tall are you?”

Tadashi jumped back into the conversation, “Tsukki is 188 centimeters. That’s almost 190 centimeters!”

“Why are you bragging, Tadashi?”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

Kei heard the Beethoven piece play through another loop from his earphones. Kageyama was looking between him and the ball in his hand as if he wasn’t sure what he was more angry about. His name throbbed in every vibrato and lifted in every crescendo. It breathed through the pauses and danced across every run.

_King_

_King_

_King_

_King_

_King_

It begged to be said. To be heard. To be used. Kei both relished and hated it. He wanted the silence, but the power of the name was already deafening. 

He didn’t let his facade slide, “You’re Kageyama from Kitagawa Daiichi, right? What’s an elite doing here?”

“Oi! Tomorrow, we definitely won’t lose!” The shorter boy’s voice was distracting. Who was this guy? He didn’t matter. 

“Ah, right,” Kei tried to reclaim his groove. The volleyball fit comfortably in his hand, “I don’t know if tomorrow is an important match for you guys, but for us it’s pointless. How about we just throw the game for you?”

Kageyama’s reaction was perfect, “Whether you throw the game or go “all out” won’t change the fact that I’m going to win.”

“You mean “we”!”

Kei laughed, “That confidence! That’s what I’d expect from the _King_.”

Kageyama’s body stiffened and his face twisted into an expression so brutal Kei almost felt bad, “Hey-”

“Oh so it’s true then.”

“What?”

“The rumor that you dislike being called _King_ -”

The setter moved so fast Kei didn’t have time to react when savage fingers fisted into the front of his shirt and pulled him into the other boy’s unsteady orbit. Tadashi shouted something he couldn’t hear over the momentary roar of his own panic. 

Kageyama’s mouth was a thin line like an ocean’s horizon and the words it spoke echoed out from an empty seaside cave, “Stop calling me King.”

Kei’s mouth snapped shut of its own accord. He had to make a concentrated effort to glue his smirk on his face and stare cooly back into eyes of liquid blue flame. He realized Kageyama was close to tears and Kei knew in that moment that this name was not a kind one. They stared at one another until _King_ released him and turned away. Kei wondered if the other boy even knew what had just happened or if he really lacked that much spacial awareness. 

He glanced towards Tadashi who had been watching the exchange. The other boy returned his look with his own tentative smile.

**You okay?**

Kei turned away.

Kageyama was walking back towards the school, “We’re done here.”

“What?” 

Kei nearly forgot about the shorter boy. He tossed the ball in the air a couple times. The soft leather was familiar in his hand and Kei realized he actually had been missing the feeling, “Running away? I guess the _King_ isn’t such a big deal after all. Tomorrow-”

A slight shadow crossed over the rising moonlight and the ball Kei was expecting to land in his hand disappeared. He gaped at the boy who had jumped an absurd height over him. 

A gust of wind stirred the flowering trees and eclipsed the music still playing through his earphones.

 _He Reaches_

“Shut up with all the “King” stuff!” the shorter boy crowded into Kei’s space, “I’m here too-!”

_He Reaches_

Kei’s dark mood descended with a vengeance. He didn’t hear the rest of what the boy had to say to him. 

The wind? Nothing was fair anymore. He wanted to shove this bright haired menace back down into the dirt. He wanted to go home and curl into a ball in his room with his music and never speak to anyone ever again. He wanted both these boys to know what they had just done to him. 

He smiled again. 

_He Reaches_ scuttled back, “Yow wanna fight-?”

“I don’t know why you’re so upset. It’s only club activities-”

He faltered. Every part of him was aware of the other two eyes on his back.

“What is that supposed to mean?” The shorter boy demanded. 

“It means exactly what you think it means.” Kei turned to leave. Tadashi stepped beside him, but he refused to look at him. 

“Hang on, who are you guys?” the shorter boy was already going down as one of the worst people Kei had ever had the misfortune of meeting. He wanted to ignore him but Tadashi was already about to respond.

So Kei beat him to the punch, “First year, class 4, Tsukishima Kei. From today we’re teammates.” 

This time he and Tadashi could move on in peace. His long legs carried him away, faster than his friend could keep up with. He could already envision his room and his CDs and his locked door. 

He ignored Tadashi’s questions and shuffled through his safe songs until he found the one that reminded him most of someone he could care less about.

He slid his earphones over his ears… 

+++

One of Akiteru’s proudest moments was when Kei spoke for the first time. He’d recount the tale to anyone who’d ask, and if he was caught drunk he probably had already told the story to every person in the room. 

“It was a beautiful spring day,” he would start, his long arms arching in front of him to paint the picture of the past, “The birds were singing and a cool breeze was fluttering through pretty midnight nursery curtains,” he would pause as if he needed a moment to immortalize the memory.

“I was sitting in front of the open window, holding my fat, little Kei in my arms - he was getting so big so fast - and I was singing my own version of “You Are My Sunshine” - because the Tsukishima family is of the moon - especially when it comes to Kei:

[ _You are my moonlight,_  
_My only moonlight,_  
_You make me happy when stars are gone, <\i>_  
_You’ll never know dear, how much I love you._  
_Please don’t take, my moonlight away…_ ] 

__

“And do you know what happened? Do you know what he did?” Akiteru would lean in because most of his stories required audience participation, “He spoke! Kei spoke his very first word! He said “Brother”! That’s my true name! My very own little brother can name people, and I was the first person he named!”

Kei’s older brother would then put his hand to his chest and close his eyes, “Having my name said by Kei is probably one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt in my life. Nothing had ever made me happier. The world changed in an instant and I don’t remember my heart ever feeling more full or my perspective of life more in clarity. I know the experience is different for everyone, and I’ve heard that sometimes people hate their names, but I dare you to tell me it wouldn’t be worth one day knowing who you truly are.”

He then would reel back into himself. The ghost of melancholy creeped onto his shoulders and into his smile, “If only he’d say it to me _one more time_ …” 

+++

Months later, Mr. Takeda called him to the teacher’s room just before practice, and somehow Kei had a feeling he knew exactly how the conversation was about to go down. 

Their coach was at his desk, a familiar pink form was clipped with other white ones and Kei’s student file was open next to it. The literature teacher beckoned him forward, pulling up a chair, “Good afternoon Kei.”

“Good afternoon.”

Takeda followed his gaze to the papers on his desk and sighed. He got to the point, “I’m sure as someone who can name people, you know you’re required to register as such for the upcoming tournament.”

Kei nodded.

The teacher plowed on, fingering an official notification from the pile of paperwork, “You must have heard the spheal a thousand times, but it’s my responsibility to remind you of the rules of the Volleyball Association, so bear with me for a bit. You are honor-bound to complete your paperwork honestly and to the best of your ability. You are not allowed to actively or knowingly say or learn the names of your teammates or of any players of any other teams anytime before or during a match. If reasonable suspicion is brought forward that you have violated any of these rules, you will be subject to investigation that may lead to suspension or even expulsion from the Association.” 

Takeda was right, Kei had heard all of this before and he was tired of it. 

“Additionally, you must submit the list of names and their effects of teammates and other players that you know of on form A-3.”

He hadn’t known about that last part.

His displeasure must have been written on his face because Takeda’s smile turned sympathetic, “I think it's a new rule. People who can name playing in sports are still kind of a touchy thing and I think the Association is trying to alleviate some of the worry …”

Kei didn’t respond, his jaw working. 

After another long moment, Mr. Takeda cleared his throat and returned to the paper, “I think that’s it. If you need any assistance in completing the forms, you can call the number on the back or you can ask me about it.”

He shuffled some of the forms together, including the pink one, and slid them into an unmarked manila folder before handing them to Kei. It was an attempt towards discretion and Kei had appreciated the sentiment. He then piled the rest of the identical white papers and passed them to Kei as well, “That’s about it, unless you needed anything?”

Kei shook his head.

“Okay,” Takeda heaved from his chair and led him to the door of the teacher’s room, “Could you give those other forms to Daichi? Those are everyone else’s tournament registration. I won’t have the time to come by and give it to them myself but Daichi will know what to do.”

Looking down at the other stack in his hand, Kei suppressed a roil of bitterness, “Sure.”

The sliding door rolled open but Takeda’s hand on his shoulder stopped him from leaving, “Kei.”

Kei hesitated.

The teacher shifted his weight. Kei could tell he was divided on something, “Some of the forms… They have some requirements that I’m not sure you’d be comfortable with. If you feel like you need it, I can make arrangements and talk to the team for you-”

He was shaking his head before Takeda could finish, “I can handle it.”

Takeda eyed him carefully over his glasses, “The offer still stands, just let me know.”

Kei bowed and announced his exit. He paced back through the halls of the school, not really paying attention to where he was and staring at the blank manila in his hand. He clenched his jaw again. No matter how many times he went through it, Kei was still floored by how easy a form could upset him.

The locker room was buzzing when he pushed his way in through the door. Most of his team was already present and in different states of undress. Ryuu seemed to have forgotten his shirt was off and was in the middle of loudly retelling some inane story to Noya and therefore the entire team. The other two first years had not arrived yet which Kei counted as a small blessing.

“-and then she asked me what my true name was! Why do girls care so much about names now?” Ryuu lamented into Noya’s arms.

His shorter friend caught him, heartbreak in his eyes reflected the inevitable doom, “Did you tell her, bro? What did she say?”

“Right, so then I was like,” the spiker pulled himself up and lowered his voice, “My true name is “Heart and Soul”. What’s yours?” he breathed, “Then she laughed at me!”

“No!” Noya wailed, “But why! Your name is perfectly manly!”

“She said I was lying!”

“No…!”

Kei rolled his eyes and passed the forms over to Daichi without a word before heading over to his own locker near the back. Tadashi was already dressed and was tying his shoes, “Hey, Tsukki! How’d it go?”

His voice was bright. Kei schooled his own expression, swinging open his locker, “The usual.”

“What’d he want?” his friend looked up from his laces. Kei waved the manila folder in his direction as if that alone was enough of an answer. On Tadashi’s part he only took a few seconds to get the implication. He frowned, “Oh…”

Kei shrugged sliding the folder into his bag, “It’s the rules.”

“Still not cool, Tsukki. You’d think they’d let up by now.”

He didn’t answer and let his friend roil on his own. Kei had accepted his fate and complaining wasn’t going to fix how he felt about the things that came with it.

He dressed and followed his team into the gym. Practice was tiring and he almost forgot about the forms and the impending announcement. After the matches with Nekoma and Aoba Johsai, Coach Ukai had been working them harder on their basics and drills. Kei knew that he had a definite spot as a regular so he didn’t have to be the best, especially since their Ace had returned to the club and the shrimp wouldn’t let up demanding more practice towards himself. 

His friend on the other hand was worrisome. Kei felt that in some part his own presence on the team impeded Tadashi’s chance to play in official matches. Kei wondered where Tadashi got the will to keep coming back, even though he must know he wasn’t gaining anything from it. 

He had wanted to ask, but seeing his friend try so hard everyday kept his silent. A fond warmth wormed into his chest. 

No matter. 

Tadashi could do what he wanted.

After cleanup, Daichi called for a team meeting. They sat in a half circle around him while he gave the forms to Suga to pass down the row. The shrimp bounced next to him, staring down at his form as if it was the most precious thing anyone had ever given him. 

He glanced over at Kei and then raised his hand, “We’re missing one for Kei!”

At the corner of his eye, Tadashi stiffened and rounded on Hinata. Surprisingly it was the _King_ who intervened, “Shut up, dumbass.”

“What did you call me?!”

Their captain cleared his throat, glaring at the other two until they quieted. Kei glanced over Hinata’s head towards Kageyama who was already looking at him. He didn’t thank him, but the other boy didn’t look like he expected it. 

He seemed to have underestimated the _King_.

Daichi scanned down at a set of instructions not unlike the one their advisor had used when he spoke to Kei, “These are your registration forms for the upcoming Tournament. Make sure you fill them out and return them to me or Mr. Takeda by the end of next week,” he paused and glanced towards Kei before looking away again, “They’re doing things a little differently this year since the new law was passed about the Naming Registration. If you look at the second section, we’re required to include our true names along with the effects if you know them.”

Murmurs rose up from the group. Hinata’s head snapped up when he heard the word “naming” and was now looking around, awed, “Wait, do people actually know their name?”

Suga craned over his shoulder from the front, “More people nowadays do.”

“I read somewhere that our generation is going to be the the most named before we turn twenty,” Chikara leaned back to stare at the ceiling thoughtfully, “Makes sense. My mom wanted to name me when I was born, but it was too expensive.”

Tadashi fidgeted beside him.

“My grandpa personally named me when I was a kid,” Noya announced. He sat with his chest out. 

The shrimp crawled over Kageyama and Hisashi to get closer to the libero, “You know your name? What is it?”

Kei scowled.

The libero leaned in, “Not telling.”

Ryuu was laughing. Hinata huffed, “No fair!”

“Names are usually very personal, Shouyou,” Suga chided, “Noya, don’t say anything if you don’t intend to share.”

Kageyama pulled his friend back into his seat, muttering under his breath, “You’re such an idiot.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t want to know too!” Hinata pointed into his face, “I bet you’re jealous.”

“No.”

“Jealous.”

“I’m not.”

“Liar.”

“I already know my name, okay?”

The shrimp reeled, “What? What is it?”

“I’m not telling you!” The _King_ ’s face burned. 

He turned away, but that didn’t keep the shrimp from violently tugging at his arm, “C’mon, Stupid-yama!”

Kei scowled and inched away from the other two first-years. Next time he wasn’t getting anywhere near them during a group huddle and he wondered how he ended up there in the first place. He suspected Tadashi. 

“Alright, settle down!” Daichi used his captain voice. The pair fell apart, still muttering under their breath, “If you don’t know your name, or if you don’t know a na- someone who can name, then you’ve got nothing to worry about, alright? That’s all for today, let’s head over to Ukai’s. Meat buns on me.”

The team chorused- 

_The One Who Stands_

\- and headed towards the locker rooms. 

Hinata was still going on about names, his voice going in and out of excitement and wonder and Kei was finding it difficult to ignore him, “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone get named before, much less met a namer. My junior high school was pretty small and I never heard much about namers. I mostly thought they were a myth until I saw them on the news. I wonder what my name would be, what do you think, Tobio?”

“I don’t know.”

“I hope it’s something cool like, The Small Giant, or something!”

“I heard that was his true name,” Suga mused.

“What for real?” Hinata perked, “I wonder if mine could be the same thing!”

Kei couldn’t resist. He really couldn’t. 

“Or maybe it’s something more fitting. Like Shrimp.”

Tadashi snorted, “Nice one, Tsukki.”

“Shut-up, Tsukishima!”

Kei stopped. It was abrupt and nearly half the team ran into him. He twisted, smiling down at the smaller boy. He didn’t know what possessed him, but he was so tired and his phone was in his bag, so what did it matter, “Or maybe it’s something dumb like, _King_.”

Kageyama sucked in a breath, “Hey-”

Suga was looking between the _King_ and Kei, a shred of understanding blooming. Kei decided he didn’t care.

“What would you know, Tsukishima? I bet your name is lame.”

Kei’s shrug was exaggerated and forceful. He ignored Tadashi’s tug on his sleeve, “Too bad we’ll never find out.”

“What’s that supposed to mean-”

Noya stumbled through the group and into Hinata, interrupting their conversation. He had their ace in tow who was begging and resisting. Nishinoya ignored him and crowded into Kei’s space in a way only he tended to do, “Tsukishima! You named him right?”

Kei retreated so fast, he stumbled over Tadashi’s feet. A solid hand caught and pressed against the small of his back. Kei found his balance. He looked down at the libero, ignoring Hinata’s squawk, “How did you know?”

Noya grinned, his elbow going into Ryuu who had appeared next to him, “See, I told you. I’ve lived around a naming person all my life. It’s easy to tell when they’ve named someone.”

Kei scowled. He wondered how true that was, “Okay, fine. So what?”

Noya nudged Asahi forward, “Come on, you gotta ask.”

“Uh,” the ace fidgeted and didn’t exactly meet his eyes, “Sorry, Tsukishima…”

Kei stared.

The big man pushed the hair that had fallen from the hair-tie. He was going red under the rest of the team’s scrutiny, “What’s my name?”

Kei sighed inwardly. The hand at his back clutched at his sweater, which was oddly more comforting than he was willing to explore. He concentrated on that and tuned out the rest of the team holding their breath around him. He remembered listening to an old Adele album in a deserted stairway that only Tadashi knew about, and looking up when the older man scurried through, not even noticing Kei sitting in the alcove. 

[ _I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before,_  
_Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,_  
_You never know if you never tried to forgive your past,_  
_And simply be mine._

_I dare you to let me be your, your one and only…_ ] 

The name formed like a desperate gulp of air.

“ _Destroyer_.”

Asahi clutched at his heart and his face went redder than it already was. Noya craned upward and then crouched to try and catch Asahi’s eyes, “Well? What happened? What do you feel? Can you do anything different?”

The ace swallowed, “I don’t know, but… I don’t know.”

“Are you alright?” Sugawara spoke up, “Maybe your name hurt you…”

“No!” Asahi finally looked Kei in the eyes and he was glad the hand was still holding onto him or he would have stepped back again in the face of the raw intensity. A chill went down Kei’s spine, not of fear, but of anticipation that didn’t belong to him, “I think this is a good thing.”

That answer seemed to be enough for Nishinoya and he slapped his friend on the back, “Glad to hear it! You’ve got a cool name, Asahi.”

“Tsukishima is a namer?” Hinata gasped. Kei had not forgotten about the audience he had collected and he was acutely aware of the rippled shock going through some of his teammates. 

“Obviously, dumbass,” Kagayama scoffed. He pushed past to get to the locker room doors.

For once the shrimp didn’t retaliate. He crowded close enough for Kei to feel more uncomfortable than he already was, “Name me! Name me!”

Suga interceded, “People who name can’t just give you your name from nothing, Shouyou. Tsukishima probably hasn’t been able to name you yet.”

“He probably has though,” Noya nodded to himself, then went to point out their other teammates, “I’d say he also named Ryuu, Daichi, Chikara, Hisashi, Tobio and even me!”

Those who were still present jumped when they were mentioned. Kei could see them ponder and then glance awkwardly towards him. 

“So Tsukishima did name me!” Hinata bounced back.

Kei did not like being talked about as if he wasn’t present, “Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.” 

“Stingy-shima! Aren’t you supposed to tell me my name? It’s my name isn’t it?”

“Tsukki doesn’t have to tell you anything!” Tadashi’s hand disappeared from Kei’s back. His voice was sharp. He glowered down at the shrimp and then to Noya. His rare show of intimidation was shocking enough, “If he wanted to go around using your names, he would have done so! Things are hard enough for him as it is and just because some-”

“Tadashi,” Kei snapped out of panic rather than irritation.

His friend stopped, hands clenching before he sagged, “Sorry, Tsukki.”

Kei tugged Tadashi back. The tip of his friend’s face was reddening. His team waited for him to say something, “It’s fine,” he bit out, “If you want me to give you your name, you can just ask me. I’ll promise I’ll tell you when I find out your names from now on, okay?”

“Oh, Tsukishima you don’t have to do that,” Suga had the decency to look stricken. 

He shrugged off the vice captain, “It’s fine.”

No one moved forward and he took that chance to retreat into the locker rooms.

Noya caught up with him and Tadashi on their walk home. He had to have run from the club room to the school entrance but he didn’t seem remotely tired, “Kei, wait!”

He slid to a stop in front of Kei and bowed low at his waist. Kei was too shocked to say anything, “I’m sorry for what I said earlier! I didn’t mean to put you on the spot!”

“Uhm…”

“Please forgive me!”

Kei had a great snark at the tip of his tongue but Tadashi nudged him before he could get anything out. His friend spoke for him, “It’s okay Noya, you didn’t mean it.”

Noya didn’t move.

Tadashi nudged him again.

Kei rolled his eyes, “I accept your apology.”

The libero bounced back so fast Kei had whiplash, “Thanks, Kei!”

He huffed, “There’s nothing to thank. You didn’t have to apologize…”

“But I did though,” Noya stood firm, “I don’t think things would have been right between us if I didn’t. Or between me and Tadashi.”

Kei quirked an eyebrow towards his friend who in turn only smiled, “Okay fine…”

“I didn’t mean to offend you or make you uncomfortable or anything. My grandpa loves naming people so it didn’t occur to me that you felt any different.”

“Well, I’m not your grandpa,” he sighed, “We’re leaving now. See you tomorrow-”

“Wait!”

Kei sighed. He needed this day to be over, “Yes?”

Noya fidgeted, “Can I ask you a favor? You can say no, it’s okay! I’m just really curious.”

Kei had an inkling of what he was about to be asked so he might as well get it over with, “What do you want?”

“You name people with songs right?”

“Something like that,” Kei steeled himself.

“Would it be okay if you tell me my song?” the only indication of Noya’s nervousness was the shifting of his weight on his toes, “I think it's really interesting! Almost like a personality quiz!”

He hesitated. The libero waited patiently, looking hopeful. On one hand, Kei knew he had no reason to grant his teammate’s wish. He could go home and Noya’s life would probably go on just the way it was before this conversation. 

On the other hand, finding out Noya’s name was one of the greatest naming experiences he’d ever accidentally stumbled into. 

He’d been at a Tower Records store listening to new albums with Tadashi when he’d by-chance glanced upwards across the mall to see Noya shopping in a clothing store with an elderly man Kei now assumed was none other than his grandfather. He was watching the libero hold the door open and wait with incredible patience while the older man bent over to hold his knee, when the track changed and his brain clicked. In that moment, Kei was in awe. 

So without saying another word, he looked for that same track in his phone and played it. Music blasted from his earphones before he paused it.

_He Fears_

He could feel Tadashi’s eyes on him as he passed the earphones over to the libero who eagerly pressed it over his own ears. Kei played it again and waited and watched the joy and excitement in Noya’s face. It was still one of Kei’s favorite songs and he could sing it to anyone if they asked him.

[ _Got no time to sit on the sidelines and watch ‘em play,_  
_(People around the world, People around the world)_  
_Gotta strike like lightning, and shine through the pouring rain,_  
_(People around the world say…)_

_I’m alive,_  
_I’m breathing today,_  
_I’m alive,_  
_Just dying to make,_  
_A good vibe,_  
_I’m still in the game,_  
_And I won’t live my life afraid._  
_Hey!_ ] 

+++

“Hey, Tsukishima! Hey!”

Tadashi perked up from his book and looked across to the other side of the room before he could catch himself. A boy that he recognized to be the captain of the basketball team had infiltrated their class. He was towering over another boy who sat at the corner window seat near the front. The back of his blonde hair was easy to spot through Tadashi’s other rowdy classmates.

The captain’s voice was easy to hear over the lunch crowd, “Do you like sports?”

Tsukishima had been eating lunch with his group like usual. He glanced around at them before looking up, eyebrows raised, “Duh, I play one.”

The boys around him snickered.

The captain didn’t look perturbed, “I know, but you’d be better in basketball don’t you think? Come to my team!”

“Don’t wanna,” the blonde waved him off, “I know you only want me because I’m tall.”

“Yeah okay that’s a perk,” the basketballer shrugged, “but that’s not the real reason…”

“Oh yeah? Then what is it?” one of Tsukishima’s teammates scoffed. 

Tadashi knew he was staring, but he was curious. Tsukishima was on a sports team? That was unexpected since he was already one of the smartest kids in the class.

The captain hesitated then he looked around before leaning in, just enough for Tadashi to not be able to hear him. Whatever he said must have been bad since every single one of the boys around the blonde went silent. 

Tsukishima shrugged off what looked to have been an earth-shattering revelation, “I don’t know where you heard about that, but whatever. So what?”

“I want you to be on my team!” the captain repeated, “You can be useful!”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, “I don’t care about basketball. Just go away.”

The boy huffed, “Fine, I’ll drop it for now but you’ll see, Tsukishima! I could make it worth your while, so think about it okay?”

“There’s nothing to think about.”

“Sure, sure. See you!” the captain whistled away. Both Tadashi and Tsukishima watched after him until he turned the corner towards his class. 

The group of boys were staring at their lunch boxes looking conflicted. One of them said something low that the rest nodded to, and then they resumed eating though with less gusto. Tsukishima did not follow them.

Instead he plugged his earphones into his ipod and leaned back in his seat, scanning out at his other classmates with that faraway look he got when he thought no one was watching.

Their eyes met.

Tadashi looked away.

+++

That night, Kei couldn’t sleep. The memories from earlier that day haunted him.

“ **I just thought you were going to practice on your own** …”

“ **You play the same position, don’t you?** ”

He sighed loudly towards the dim ceiling and rolled onto his side. He’d claimed the far corner of the room for him and Tadashi the first night of their training camp and the only reason no one complained at length was solely because it put him nearest to the electrical outlet. They thought they were being mindful of his needs. In truth, Kei just wanted a place where he wouldn’t be able to see them. 

He reached for his iphone and plugged his earbuds into his ears. He was about to play a song when the body in the futon behind him stirred. 

“Tsukki?”

Kei froze, but he didn’t respond. He waited to see if Tadashi was going to say more, but instead the other boy climbed from his futon and left the room. 

Every night had been the same where he would leave when the entire team, including Kei, was supposedly asleep, and then return sometime later. A part of Kei was hurt that his friend wouldn’t want him to come along on his night adventures. The other part was resolved to not care. 

He laid still for minutes longer, shuffling through his playlist until he accepted that he wasn’t going to fall asleep and decided that that night was the night he was going to find out what Tadashi had been up to. 

He shoved his iphone into his pajama pocket, grabbed his glasses and snuck out the sliding door. He left one ear open while he padded down the wooden corridor towards the building entrance. A hunch told him his friend would be outside, probably practicing or taking a stroll around the campus. Tadashi liked walking. They haven’t walked together much recently. 

He found that he was partially correct. Through the crack of the main door, Kei saw Tadashi sitting on the front porch craned back to look at the night sky. Invisible crickets sang while a warm gust crashed through the trees and sighed through the overgrown grass. The moon wasn’t full, but even now the front yard and his best friend glowed beneath it.

Kei’s world had always been built on music and sounds. A sunset was colored by his brother calling him for dinner after he’d been playing outside for too long. A new CD album snapped opened, its plastic case cracked under his fingers. His mother hummed an old jazz tune while she woke every morning at seven without fail to get ready for her morning deliveries. It was what made her _Brightly_.

Yet somehow Kei watched, paralyzed, as Tadashi brushed his hair from his face. He closed his eyes and let his head fall so far back, Kei could see the freckles dotting his cheeks. His shoulders lifted and his back tensed along with a long breath he let out into the wind. 

“Haa…”

Kei clutched his chest when his heart stumbled. If he could’ve heard it, he imagined it would have clattered along the inside of his ribcage like a broken xylophone. Heat pooled at the back of his neck. The floodgates of his feelings collapsed and roared until his music went mute and Kei just knew.

He wanted to sit with Tadashi. He knew if he asked, he could. 

So he turned, intending to walk back to their room as quiet as he could and try to forget what had just happened to him. 

Instead he ran face-to-face with the Nekoma captain who had just turned the corner. 

Tetsurou’s eyes widened. Kei desperately hoped his face was as unreadable as he imagined it to be, though judging by the other boy’s growing smirk he knew he’d failed. 

Tetsurou looked over Kei’s shoulder and then back at Kei, “Oho? What do we have he-”

Kei plunged forward and shoved the captain back along the corridor he came from. Tetsurou more or less let himself be manhandled until they were most definitely out of sight, “Woah, okay okay I get it. You don’t want me to see your boyfriend-”

“Shut. Up.” Kei wheezed through clenched teeth. A new kind of panic heaved, “Not another word.”

Surprisingly, the captain complied. Kei closed his eyes and breathed, turning up the music in his pocket. He concentrated on the lyrics and counted the beats between the breaks and rhymes.

What will it take to get this guy to ignore everything and leave him alone?

He opened his eyes to see Tetsurou watching him, his expression unreadable, “You okay?”

Kei realized he was still holding on to him and recoiled. He tried for a smile, “Can you promise not to say anything?”

“That’ll be difficult,” the other boy deadpanned, “I really like to talk. What will my mother say when I can’t tell her about my day?”

Kei grit his teeth and was about to snidely, but politely ask again when the music from his earphones changed.

Something clicked.

[ _Just give me a reason…_ ]

_He Bleeds_

[ _To keep my heart beating,_  
_Don’t worry it’s safe right here in my arms…_ ]

_He Bleeds_

He straightened, feeling the familiar surge of adrenaline and excitement, “ _He Bleeds_. How dramatic.”

“I wasn’t always. I used to be: The Generous.” The captain shot back. He hadn’t even flinched. His next words had an unnatural weight to them and Kei could feel himself calmed by the resonance in the timbre of his voice and the cadence that thrummed from his chest. His smile was soft, “So you can name people. I’m learning so much about you today.”

_He Bleeds_

He took a step forward. Kei took a step back. Tetsurou had not had the reaction Kei had expected, and his moment of exhilaration plummeted. 

The captain continued, his name’s power still wrapping a salve along Kei’s heart. Somehow he could breathe again, but the annoyance was still there, “My best friend can do it too. He just has to look at someone in their eyes and he’ll know. It’s kind of scary. He explained it to me once. It really takes a lot out of him ...” he paused, “Hey, you don’t happen to take naming requests do you?”

Kei grit his teeth, “No.”

_He Bleeds_

He sighed, “Worth a shot. Sorry about what I said earlier today, by the way. I just wanted to get a rise out of you. Competitive spirit and all that.”

_He Bleeds_

_He Bleeds_

_He Bleeds_ -

Kei tore the earbud from his ear, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He watched the motion, “Alright… Whatever you say, kid. Anyways you should get to bed. I promise I would tell anyone about tonight, or that you can name. Satisfied?”

Kei nodded.

“Great,” the captain clapped him on his shoulder, “Hang in there. We all have our rock-bottom. The only way is up, and all that. G’night.”

He sidestepped Kei and shuffled down an adjacent hallway, humming a song Kei couldn’t place. 

He pulled his phone from his pocket and stopped the song ten seconds from the end. He breathed, finding solace in the silence for once and retraced his steps back to the room he shared with his team. He returned to his position facing the wall and let his his teammate’s snores and shuffling bury him while he stared at nothing until Tadashi snuck back into the room and his soft breaths lulled him to sleep… 

+++

It was a beautiful spring day. 

Volleyball practice was cancelled for some reason. The day was wasted. He could be practicing his super cool spike and show up some of the new kids. He wanted to try and see if he could do an overhand serve too. His brother said he couldn’t do it his age, but Kei was sure if he started practicing now maybe he’d be able to do it by the end of the year. 

[ _It's getting late,_  
_I'm making my way over to my favourite place,_  
_I gotta get my body moving,_  
_Shake the stress away,_  
_I wasn't looking for nobody when you looked my way,_  
_Possible candidate, yeah,_  
_Who knew…_ ] 

Kei grimaced, realizing what his brother would say if he knew Kei was purposely listening to new music hits. As much as he loved Rihanna’s recent album he knew he was taking a big risk of naming every kid on the block. He pressed open his ipod and shuffled through his brother’s dumb playlist. 

[ _Tell me delicately about nights that cannot be put into words,  
Tell me the ivy that just halfheartedly twined around me is an illusion,_

 _Give me your heart, it's okay if it's handmade…_ ]

Yeah, he doubted anyone his age would be named with this one. 

He decided to take the long way home for once. His teammates liked to go past the convenience store, but that always led directly towards his house and Kei rather enjoyed time to himself. He jumped the fence that cordoned off the area between the street and the public housing complexes. He was careful not to snag his overlarge sweater on the wiring and the freshly-cut hedges.

Kei followed a worn path along the fencing towards the playground passing a few other kids along the way who remained unnamed to him. He ignored the dirt and sand from the underkempt grounds getting stuck to his high-tops and pretended to step to the slow rhythm. 

He imagined Chihiro Onitsuka in a dark stadium that was full, but somehow silent as she reached out towards the lights above her. Her pale dress melted into the stage… 

Kei didn’t notice until too late that he was approaching a group of other kids he recognized from his school. They probably weren’t from his class, but the year had just started a few weeks ago and Kei had made every effort not to look too hard at any of his classmate's faces. It wasn’t until he was near did he realize he was witnessing someone being bullied. 

Three boys were looming over another boy in the dirt. They were obviously bigger than him and one of them was holding a stick. Kei was not impressed. 

He looked at the boy on the ground and of all the times for him to name someone he didn’t expect for it to be that moment. A familiar surge of adrenaline clicked something in his brain and Kei felt powerful.

_Pathetic_

[ _Your voice calling out to me just always turns to sorrow,_  
_In a way, proving that,_  
_In a way, I am ugly._  
_But I still need it…_ ]

The boys were yelling something at him. He moved one of his earphones off his ear just in time to hear the one in the middle identify him as “that namer kid from class 3”. 

Kei glanced back at the kid on the ground. He was buried under school bags and Kei could tell he had been crying. He had a terrible name, but Kei couldn’t help but think about how well it fit. 

“ _Pathetic_ ,” Kei didn’t know what possessed him to say it out loud and if Akiteru knew what he just did he’d get a scolding, but sometimes names were meant to be said out loud. Simple as that. If Kei had been smiling when he did it, who could blame him?

[ _Even this faint vibration praises my emotions;_  
_It echoes out to what's overflowing right before my eyes._

 _In a miracle moment, I will simply abandon this sky,_  
_In a way, remembering that, in a way, I am weak…_ ]

He turned to walk away when the same boy shouted after him and grabbed at his sweater, “Hey, wait!”

He steeled himself before rounding on the kid, still riding on the naming-high. He looked down on him, hyper-aware of his own height, “What?”

The boy stumbled back. Kei wondered how much more freaked out the he would get if he knew Kei could name him. He’d probably be named something lame like “Annoying One” or something like that. He sputtered a bit before finally settling on, “You namers think you’re so special!”

Kei couldn’t help but laugh. Really? That’s the best he could come up with? “We do actually,” he countered.

The boy gaped, “Well you’re not!”

“Oh yeah?” he used his height to his advantage, “Then how about I name you right now? Let me look into your soul-”

The boy shoved him away and they ran off, still shouting obscenities behind their backs. 

Kei shook his head and was about to continue on his way before the loud sniffing from the boy on the ground caught his attention again. The bruises on his arms were considerable and the stark freckles across his nose was probably what got him bullied in the first place. 

“ _Pathetic_ ,” the boy jumped when Kei said his true name aloud again, “That’s your name. Now go home already.”

The kid didn’t say anything which was fine with Kei because it’s not like he did anything nice enough to warrant a ‘thank you’. He shifted his earphones back over his ear and carried on towards home. He was already regretting taking the long way and promised himself never to come back this way again if he could help it. 

+++

Kei was tired. 

He didn’t know why, he just was. 

He shifted his earphones over his ears, muting Hinata’s squawking- 

“ **Such a waste-**!”

\- and pulled his phone from his pocket. 

He knew the shrimp was right. Of course he was right. Kei’s height was the only reason he could play on the court in the first place.

Hinata on the other hand had potential. Kei didn’t want to admit it aloud, but the shrimp was frightening. 

But he had his own physical obstacle didn’t he? Even Hinata had limits. People will only get taller and taller. The shrimp couldn’t outjump the world.

Tadashi was a decent player too and almost as tall as Kei. His serves might also become imperative to the team. Maybe he’ll take his spot one day.

Then what? What more did Kei have to give? Would he still want to play when that happened?

[ _Tell me the ivy that just halfheartedly twined around me is an illusion._

 _Give me your heart, it's okay if it's handmade._  
_If there is a place I can cry, I don't need to see the stars…_ ]

Kei breathed. He never told Tadashi, but he still listened to this song from time to time even before his crush revelation a few nights ago. 

Akiteru used to always build his playlists for him. His brother had a taste for pop and romantic songs and Kei didn’t mind so much since less people were named that way. He couldn’t remember the last time his brother gave him a song to listen to. 

Kei regretted what happened the day he realized the true meaning of his brother’s name. It hit him so hard, he didn’t think he’ll ever forgive himself or his brother. Akiteru always fought his hardest to be the best. He lied, because he was too afraid to be less than his name and admit that even working hard wasn’t enough. 

Even if it had, then what? Would everything Akiteru had done been worth-

Something slammed into his back. Kei stumbled forward and caught himself before tripping off the path. He shoved his earphones off and rounded on who or whatever it was; intending to destroy them with words. He stopped short.

“Tadashi-?”

“Tsukki!”

His best friend was huffing in front of him-

_Pathetic_

“Tsukki… for as long as I can remember, you’ve dealt with everything in a really smart and cool way. I was jealous.”

Kei eyed his friend. Tadashi really needed to get over this inferiority. He was better than this, even with his name saying otherwise, “So what?”

He could see the other boy hesitate. Kei allowed himself to really look at him. The sweltering summer weather had soaked both of them in their own sweat. Tadashi’s freckles hid in the shadow of his nose and his hair flopped in messy clumps around his forehead. Kei couldn’t help the warm feeling of seeing something so familiar in a time when his entire world was tilting on its axis- 

_Pathetic_

Then he changed and Kei was shaken to his core by the sudden fierceness in his friend’s eyes, “Lately you’ve been really pathetic!” Tadashi stepped forward. Kei had never been this close to him since they were kids, “Shouyou might become the “Small Giant” one day, but is it really okay with you if he beats you? Why won’t you use your own ability and show him you’re better than he is?! 

_Pathetic_

“Even though you have height, intelligence, and intuition, why do you always claim anything beyond what you are now is impossible?!”

Kei’s eyes narrowed. Tadashi knew him too well. Of course it wasn’t okay with him if Hinata beats him, that was the whole problem. What more did he want from him? 

“If for example I become Karasuno’s number one player-

_Pathetic_

“Then what? If we somehow make it to Nationals, then what?” He grit his teeth. Tadashi backed away, but he didn’t look swayed, “There will always be someone better. Even if you were to accomplish anything, you’ll never be number one. You’ll lose somewhere. Despite knowing that, what is it that keeps driving you forward?”

Kei wasn’t expecting an answer. He thought he was right and he thought that whatever more Tadashi had to say would be pointless. Kei knew the truth and Tadashi knew it too because he was there that day and he saw it too. 

_Pathetic_

But the look on his best friend’s face was not one that Kei would ever forget. 

Something went silent in his mind.

“Why would we need motivation?!” Tadashi grabbed Kei by the collar of his shirt and shook him. Kei’s heart stuttered and the world snapped into focus, “What do we need other than pride?!”

Their pride. His pride. 

Was Akiteru proud of him? Was Tadashi?

Was he proud of himself?

Was he really okay with being “good enough”?

His friend was huffing and he looked desperate. Kei was struck with a realization that Tadashi had been worrying about him, which was absurd because Tadashi needed to worry more about himself. 

He couldn’t believe this, “How is it you always know when to interrupt my life, Tadashi?” Kei didn’t mean to say that aloud, but he was dead-serious, “When did you get so cool?”

His friend blinked, “What do you…”

His words trailed off. His eyes panned down to the earphones around Kei’s neck still playing that infernal song on a loop. 

[ _Though countless meanings are interrupted,_  
_In this place,_  
_I don't know whether I'm beautiful or not, even now-_ ]

Kei extricated himself out of his hands and shut off the music, pitching them both into true silence. 

His heart was pounding.

Tadashi fidgeted, “Tsukki?”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You might as well,” Kei shrugged, “since we’re being honest with each other.”

He was lying. Kei knew that whatever Tadashi was about to ask was going to be too much for him.

“Do you like naming people?”

“I don’t dislike it.”

“But you don’t really like it either.”

Kei studied his friend. Where was he going with this?

Tadashi recollected his confidence, “Why don’t you just get named and get rid of it?”

“I can’t.”

“Why not? Wouldn’t it be easier for you to not be a constantly worried about naming or not naming people?” he pressed.

“I don’t know,” Kei swallowed and forced his next words out, “I can’t just not be me.”

He shook his head, “You’re more than just someone who can name. Just like you’re more than just a tall person or a middle blocker.” He paused, “Don’t think I didn’t notice that you never say my name anymore.”

Kei waited.

“I used to hate it,” Tadashi looked past him and up at the sky. The clouds parted only for a moment to let the moonlight cast his brown eyes into a hue of satin grey, “But I think it makes sense to me now. You once told me that names often felt unfinished to you, as if they described something bigger or more than one thing. ‘Pathetic’ is a little definite, and I used to think that it clearly defined who I am.”

A soft breeze broke the haze of heat around them and stirred the bushes and the trees. Tadashi’s gaze on him was unfaltering and Kei felt like he could see right through him. Was this what it felt like to be named?

“But that’s not it. ‘Pathetic’ isn’t who I am, it’s who I was in the past. It’s who I was yesterday. An hour ago. A second ago.”

Kei didn’t understand, “Or you could be making that all up.”

Tadashi’s smile cracked through and Kei didn’t know how much he missed it, “Maybe, but what else could it mean? You’ve never given someone a bad name, Tsukki.”

“I’m not the one who decides that.”

“Who knows?”

Kei refused to argue, “I don’t agree with you, nor do I think pride is enough for anyone to try as hard as you all…”

His friend deflated, but Kei knew he had to be honest, and he knew Tadashi was still right in some perspective. 

Either way, he couldn’t go on like this.

“But maybe I can ask someone else,” he turned back towards the gym, knowing exactly who’d have the answers he needed.

“Wait, Tsukki!”

Tadashi caught his hand, bringing him up short. His palm was too warm and clammy and rough and it fit awkwardly around his own like holding a briefcase without a handle. Kei had to stop himself from holding Tadashi’s hand back.

The desperation had returned to his face, and so had the honesty and the care and everything that made Tadashi his best friend. His voice tossed Kei back to the summer sleepovers and the volleyball they played even when it was just the two of them, “Are you going to be okay?”

Kei hesitated and listened again to the teeming world around him and realizing the simple silence in his mind.

“Yeah,” he settled, “Yeah I am.”

+++

“... and your name is… _Yeller_!”

“Woah,” Tadashi breathed. His eyes were fixed on the television screen and his tiny hands fisted into his shorts, “That namer- That naming person was so fast! How did he know that her name would be connected to udon? And he spoke in French!”

Kei sighed and pushed his glasses back down his nose. He was hanging off the back of his couch, his long limbs draped over the edges. They were only in primary school, but Tadashi’s friend was already what seemed to be kilometers taller than himself and their classmates, “It was probably one of her favorite foods or something. Usually that’s how it goes.”

“Oh! That makes sense…”

The program continued. When the woman on the screen spoke, the lights in the room flickered. She let out a few explicatives Tadashi didn’t understand.

“Wow…! Oh my gosh did I just blow off the lights?! Oh no!”

“Congratulations on your name!”

“Thank you...”

Tadashi watched the woman laugh and weep and felt a sense of familiarity. A thought occurred to him and he wondered why he never asked his friend this question before, “Hey Tsukki, can you name yourself?”

“Of course not,” Tsukki scoffed, “and even if I could I wouldn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

His friend turned his head and stared at him with clear disbelief, “If I knew my name and said it, I wouldn’t be able to name anymore. Why don’t you know this?”

Tadashi shrugged. Why would he know this? Tsukki was the only naming person he’s ever met and they weren’t taught about naming people in school. 

Tsukki rolled his eyes, “Anyways, I don’t care and I don’t want to know.”

“Oh…” Tadashi thought for a moment and then gasped, “but what if you said your name by accident?”

“Not possible,” Kei lifted his arms and dropped them down heavily on the cushions, “I can’t actually name people unless I intend to name them.”

“Ah…”

Tsukki eyed him again and sighed, “So if I just say your name without wanting to name you, it’d have no effect. Watch: Pathetic.”

Tadashi tensed and waited for the usual feeling of exhilaration and an absolute feeling of indestructibility. He felt nothing.

“You get it now?” Tsukki continued.

He nodded. 

The woman and the name giver on the television were still celebrating and crying: “I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

“My family is going to be so happy! We were worried it’d be something terrible…”

Tsukki clicked his tongue, “Tadashi, turn it off. ”

“Sorry Tsukki,” Tadashi jumped, pulling his eyes from the screen. He scrambled from his place at the foot of the television and flicked through the channels, “I really wanted to know what her name was.”

“It wasn’t even cool in the end,” Tsukki made a face.

Tadashi settled on the late-afternoon news and climbed to sit next to his friend on the couch. He wished he were as tall as Tsukki so his feet could reach the ground, “That’s true. I thought it’d be something more with like… a huge feeling. Or her ability would be something amazing.”

“Exactly,” his friend swung his legs back over his head to sit right-side-up and adjusted his glasses smartly, “if I were to choose to name someone on public television, they’d be someone interesting.”

Tadashi brightened, “Do you want to be a famous name giver when you grow up, Tsukki?”

“No way!” Tsukki scoffed, “I already name people without even trying anymore. I don’t need to be paid for that.”

“Oh yeah…”

“I want to be an paleontologist,” Tsukki continued and reached under the low table that sat in the middle of their living room. He heaved out a folder of worn pamphlets and a whole Encyclopedia of the Ages. It looked heavy and he wondered if Tsukki really read all of it, “You know how I like dinosaurs right?”

“Yeah! You have a whole figurine collection!”

“Yup. And you know that movie, Jurassic Park?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to do that but as a job.”

“You want to raise dinosaurs?” Tadashi gasped, “I didn’t know you could do that!”

“Well, no,” Tsukki fixed his glasses again, hiding the rush of his own excitement, “But you can kind of study and find dinosaur bones and stuff.”

“That’s so cool!” Tadashi bounced closer and hovered over the leaflets Tsukki passed to him. The one on the top was colorful and full of long words in kanji he didn’t even know, “I didn’t know you wanted to do this Tsukki. I thought you wanted to play volleyball.”

“I do,” his friend shrugged, “But not forever. That’s Akiteru’s thing. Yesterday he took me to the museum and I bought this thing that looked like a dinosaur egg at the gift shop.”

“Maybe it’ll hatch and you’ll have a pet dinosaur!” Tadashi leaned in, “and then you’ll have to take care of it and make sure it doesn’t eat you and then you’ll have to hide it from your family and from the government because they’ll want to take it away and experiment on it!”

“ It’s not real, Tadashi.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I think that’d be amazing,” Akiteru laughed and strolled into the living room. He patted his brother’s head on his way past to the kitchen, “Are you talking about your dinosaur egg again?”

Tsukki swatted his hand away, “Yeah, so what?”

“Nothing, nothing,” he chuckled, “Could you guys turn up the television? I want to listen while I make dinner.”

“Sure.”

Tadashi dug around the cushions for the remote and ticked the volume up while he listened to his friend’s ramblings, “Anyways, I’m thinking about what it must feel like to work at a museum too because I don’t think that job would be too bad either. I’d still be researching right? I think they’re really important. Maybe next time I’ll take you to see the exhibit with the Ice Age animals. They’re really…”

He faded off to read the next headline that scrolled across the screen.

“... the diet passed the Naming Enforcement Act; which cracks down on officials to enforce registration of name giving people in communities and schools. Lawmakers insist the law is to level the competitive playing field and decrease ability misuse; while activists argue this is just another form of civil rights and privacy violations-”

His friend suddenly stood and Tadashi jumped out of his skin. 

“Do you want to go to the arcade?”

“What? Uhm…I don't know. My mom might want me to go home soon,” Tadashi fumbled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. Three o’clock.

“We don’t have school tomorrow. You can stay over tonight,” his friend jammed his finger into the remote. The television clunked into blackness.

Tadashi gripped his cellphone. Tsukki wanted him to stay. 

He watched his friend thunder upstairs and return with their jackets and his ipod, “Did you tell her?”

“N-No not yet…”

“She has my mom’s number right?” Tsukki plugged his headphones in and hung them around his neck. It was the white pair Tsukki told him was broken in the right side, but they looked the coolest so he didn’t want to get rid of them, “Hurry up. I’ll treat you to some games.”

“Okay,” Tadashi shot off a message and followed his friend to the door. 

His brother shouted from the kitchen, “Hey, did you turn the T.V off? Sorry I was on the phone- Where are you going?”

“To the arcade,” Tsukki waved as they walked past.

“This late?” Akiteru caught up to them at the door and eyed the setting sun, “Alright, but don’t be out too long. We’re having curry.”

“We won’t! Bye, _Brother_!” Tsukki stumbled out and waited impatiently for Tadashi to tie his shoes and catch up. He turned his music up just enough so Tadashi could hear it too and grinned, the tension was already disappearing. 

“I bet you I can guess the names of all the kids at the DDR machine...”

+++

Kei saw his best friend fall apart on the court in the match against Wakutani. He didn’t know what to say to make Tadashi’s hands stop shaking or to stop the darkness from falling over his face. 

He watched him walk off as a shadow of the man Kei knew he was, and was thankful when Chikara stood up for him against coach Ukai. 

“ **He knows it better than anyone…** ”

Tadashi looked like he wanted to disappear. Kei wanted to hold him. He wanted to tell him that he still had a chance, and that Kei was going to give it to him.

So on the way back to the court Kei did the only thing he knew he could do. Clutching Tadashi’s towel in his hand, he passed it through his friend’s weak grasp and into his heart. He didn’t look at him, feeling that Tadashi wanted to be invisible for once.

If anyone could come back from the crush of disappointment, it’d be him.

When he later walked back onto the court at the end of their first set against Aoba Johsai, Kei was not surprised to see the fire he had not forgotten in his best friend’s eyes. He was nervous. Sweat was already beading down his neck and his hands were fisted tightly at his side. 

Shouyou, that fool, made him smile. 

Their team, the very ones who pushed Kei to be better every day, shouted encouragements and Kei was only just able to toss in his own words even though he knew he shouldn’t.

“You got this.”

Their team moved back to their positions, quiet and waiting for one of their own to show his hand. Kei eyed the other players on the other side of the net who simply looked back at him. Faces unreadable. Kei didn’t even wonder what their names could be, his heart was hammering too hard in his chest and his mind was too quiet. He couldn’t look back, but he could imagine Tadashi’s taut body stepping behind the server’s line.

The referee whistled. 

Kei could have sworn he could hear Tadashi’s deep breaths over the din of the restless crowd. He counted the seconds with the ticks of Daichi’s fingers and the creak of Asahi’s shoes beneath his shifting weight. 

Polyester swished against skin. Sneakers squeaked. A sharp tap sent the volleyball floating above their heads.

Kei did not look up and heard rather than saw the ball bounce in the court on the other side. The whistle. A sharp snap of a flag falling to declare the small victory-

“YEEAAHHHH!”

Their team went wild and everything came rushing back. Kei’s heart was in his throat and for the first time in a very long time he felt truly, utterly and inexplicitly proud. The type of pride he wanted to treasure but also shove into the face of the world. 

Kei knew Tadashi could do it all along. 

“Was it really so surprising?” their team shifted their attention to him. Kei could feel his best friend’s eyes on his back.

Of course Ryuu misunderstood, “What’s your problem-?”

“After all,” he cut in, “I don’t know anyone who practiced their serves more than you did these past five months.”

That earned him a punch in the gut from Ryuu.

But it was worth it. 

At the end of the day, after they had won the match and the Naming Committee were busy reviewing the playback, Tadashi found him at the judge’s booth. The tournament was wrapping-up for the day and the crowd was slowly filing out of the gym. Kei’s team were in the stands collecting their bags. 

[ _You grow up repeatedly and,_  
_Go into the distance over and over again,_  
_Watching over you, unable to sleep, even though I became disheveled,_  
_For the sake of singing your name..._

 _All this time these twelve thousand years I know I love you,_  
_Eight thousand years from the time that I met you…_ ]

He caught himself humming and ceased before his friend came any closer. 

Tadashi walked up with a bounce in his step. His eyes were alight along with his smile and Kei had to stand straighter or else he’d do something weird. He wrapped his arms around himself to fend the chill from his cooling body. 

Tadashi leaned in. Kei had a flashback to when they were kids, “We did it!”

“Yeah.”

“We actually won!”

“We still have to beat Shiratorizawa Academy,” Kei reminded him.

“Yeah, that’s true,” Tadashi shrugged his comment away. He glanced over Kei’s shoulder to the Committee sat around a screen speaking in low voices, “Are they really going to do this with all our games?”

Kei followed his look and sighed.

“I don’t like it,” his friend made a face, “and they take so long. It’s not practical, Tsukki.”

“Complaining won’t make them go any faster.”

“That’s not the point,” Tadashi shook his head. He eyed Kei for a moment, “Are you cold?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“That’s not a no.”

Kei fought back a smile, “Complaining won’t make me warmer either.”

“Yeah it can,” to Kei’s complete horror Tadashi shrugged off his jacket and pushed it into his chest, “There, now you’re warm. I’ll grab your stuff so we can leave when this is done.”

He marched off before Kei could stop him. Tadashi’s jacket was heavy in his sweaty hands. He was so mortified, he probably didn’t need a jacket to keep warm anymore.

He looked around to check if anyone in the chaos was paying attention before he pulled the jacket on and zipped it closed all the way up to his neck. The arms were just long enough like his own jacket and the feel of the cotton was crisp and new. He ducked his head beneath the collar and shoved his hands into the pockets. It smelled like Tadashi’s deodorant. 

Play it cool, Kei. 

He tried distracting himself by picking up where the song in his head left off and hummed along. 

[ _One hundred million and two thousand years from now, I love you,_  
_I want you to know since you came in my life everyday, every night…_ ]

“Tsukishima Kei?” a high-strung middle-aged man in a suit with a clipboard fretted a few steps away.

Kei pulled himself from his thoughts and cleared his throat, “Yes?”

The man bowed which Kei returned, “The Committee would like to ask you a few questions about your recent match, if that would be okay with you?”

Kei knew he would have to deal with the Committee this time around, “Yes.”

He followed the man to the line of men in suits who were no longer watching the screen. They wore polite smiles and sat with a steady assurance of their bland careers. The man at the end stood and bowed to Kei before motioning to a chair set at the opposite side of the table, “Hello Mr. Tsukishima. We have a few questions for you.”

Kei nodded.

The man glanced at his notes before continuing, “We are most concerned with your actions during the first set after your teammate, #12, Yamaguchi Tadashi was a substitution. We are aware of this previous records and though his success was a surprise, it was also well within his abilities. However…”

Kei knew his face was unreadable, but his hands were fisted into the hem of his best friend’s jacket. He fought down the ball of frustration in his chest. 

“We would like to ask you what you said to him before his first serve.”

He had his answer ready, “I don’t remember, but I was cheering for my teammate.”

“You don’t often speak to your teammates,” the man’s eyebrow raised. 

“It was important,” Kei tried to shrug, “I was caught up in the moment.”

“I see,” the man smiled and sent a look down the line to the other men. The nervous one with a clipboard was furiously writing. The rest didn’t look away from Kei and he tried his best to ignore them. He continued, “Are you aware of Yamaguchi Tadashi’s name as well as his ability?”

Kei was confused by the question as his papers clearly said he did as did Tadashi’s, “Yes.”

“Please state them for the record.”

“His name is, Pathetic,” he winced, “and his ability is that he gets lucky.”

A couple of the officials shifted in their seats. He knew what they were thinking and Kei held on tighter to his fraying nerves. 

The man asking the questions didn’t even blink, “Thank you, Mr. Tsukishima. As you must already know, any use of names during tournaments is forbidden. Any violation or meaningful suspicion of a violation will lead to immediate lifetime expulsion of the name giver and his team.”

“Yes sir.”

“Okay we are finished now,” the man stood and bowed, “Congratulations on progressing to the finals. I look forward to your next match.”

Kei returned his bow stiffly and tried not to sprint out of the booth. Blood was rushing in his ears and he never needed the world to stop moving more than that moment.

He ran into Tadashi on his way out. He knew his face was showing more than he thought because his friend didn’t say a word and instead took his arm and led the way outside to the bus that would take them home. 

+++

Tsukki was too quiet.

Tadashi was scared. 

The sea of orange and black around them surged and screamed as the Karasuno High School team made another point in the set. He’d seen Akiteru the same moment his friend had, and heard him Tadashi’s name under his breath, though it hadn’t been directed at him that time.

“Tsukki?” he spoke when the crowd calmed. The slap of the volleyball bounced against his nerves, “Are you okay?”

His friend tensed. Then, to Tadashi’s horror, he tore his headphones from his neck and it them away, “I’m leaving.”

“What?” Tadashi dove for it and hurried to catch up with the other boy. They skipped down the steps, “What about your brother?”

“Akiteru,” he stressed, “is busy.”

Tsukki marched out the gym doors with Tadashi still struggling to keep up behind him. He couldn’t see his friend’s face, but Tadashi knew he wasn’t in a good place, “Tsukki slow down.”

He hadn’t expected the other boy to stop altogether. Tadashi slammed into his back just as Tsukki rounded on him. He towered over Tadashi. Shadows were making nests beneath his eyes and in the sneer of his lips, “ _Pathetic_. There. Are you happy?”

A thrill went down Tadashi’s spine but he was too confused to care, “W-What?”

“I said your name. That’s what you wanted right?” Tsukki took a step towards him. Tadashi wanted to run away, “ _Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic Pathetic Pathetic Pathetic_ -”

“Tsukki, stop it!” Tadashi clutched at his pounding heart. His innards felt like they were being pulled in ten different directions. 

His friend halted but he didn’t back down, “What does it matter anyways? In the end names mean nothing.”

“Tsukki,” He was fighting for his breath. He knew he was crying now, “I don’t understand.”

Tsukki’s mouth snapped shut and for a split second Tadashi saw all of his fear and self-loathing before it was hidden away behind a new mask of nothing.

“Sorry, Tadashi,” he swallowed, “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

Tadashi closed his eyes and shook his head. He was still confused. He just wanted to go home and listen to music and talk about their favorite manga all day.

Soft fingers slid the headphones from his other hand. He opened his eyes just in time to see his friend tuck them into his backpack. They stood in the middle of the sidewalk, a sky’s worth of silence between them, while Tadashi’s heart calmed and his breath returned to him. In the distance he heard another roar from the gym.

Tsukki spoke first, “I don’t want to name people anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Tadashi breathed, “I thought you like naming people.”

He shrugged, “Naming doesn’t matter.”

“Uhm,” Tadashi bit his lip, “I like it when you say my name…”

“I nearly hurt you just now,” his friend glared at him like he was the dumbest person alive. His next words bled acid around the toxic slur, “Another reason why I shouldn’t be a namer.”

“But-”

“Shut up already,” Tsukki clicked his tongue. He was looking more tired than haunted as he had moments ago, “Let’s just go.”

“O-Okay…” Tadashi caught up again. His friend wasn’t walking so fast anymore. He didn’t know what else to say to comfort Tsukki, but he had a feeling his friend needed silence for once.

And silent he was.

Until he wasn’t… 

+++

His heart was in his throat and he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t scream and he dearly wanted to. All the lights flashed and all the world roared and for the first time in a long time Kei dared to hope because he had done the impossible. 

He’d blocked Ushijima. 

His teammates piled onto him and for once he knew he deserved this. He’d earned this.

The next set was where things had got dicey. His tactics had been revealed and after the first few plays, Kei knew Shiratorizawa’s setter had regrouped. His blocks were once again rendered useless and he knew he was just too slow.

Having Noya become the center of their defense was the next obvious option and Kei was rewarded for his foresight. He looked over to Ukai who had given him a thumbs-up just before Ryuu and Noya gave him another jab in the ribs. 

But the holes in their formations showed themselves time and time again. Ushijima slipped past his block for what seemed like the hundredth time and into Shouyou who couldn’t receive even if his life depended on it. The red-haired namer from the other team was becoming insufferable. 

The ball slammed into the court behind him and Kei couldn’t resist letting out a frustrated huff. If only Shouyou were faster and stronger. If only Asahi’s monstrous spikes could strike fear into the other team like Ushijima’s could. If only Tadashi was lucky enough to make a service ace every time. 

He’d considered saying a name. Just one. No one would have to know and he wouldn’t breathe a word about it. It would be so easy.

Kei had rotated off the court and was drinking water when he felt someone at his side. He didn’t let them break his concentration even though his calculations had veered towards unfavorable choices.

That certain someone seemed to know exactly what he was thinking, “It’d be a lot easier if everyone were using their abilities, right Tsukki?”

He hummed.

Tadashi continued, “I bet it’d be a lot harder too though, because the other team has Tendou.”

“Yeah…”

“And definitely not as cool,” Kei eyed him sharply which was returned with confidence. Kei didn’t know where he got it from, “We don’t need them, and I think I prefer a match where everyone is on even footing rather than some crazy lucky abilities.”

Kei snorted, “Isn’t it the same either way? Not all are created equal.”

“True,” Tadashi brought himself up taller. Kei didn’t mind, “But I sure would like the chance.”

He looked away quickly, tampering down the odd mixture of his own smile and shame. His friend was right. What had he been thinking?

Tadashi’s words rang true when his team held fast and desperate all the way through to the final set. He’d been wearing down at the spikers and he felt like he’d been reading the majority of possibilities.

A part of him was still restless. Points had been racking upwards despite his best efforts and his fingers had started to throb. He couldn’t remember blocking spikes so hard, not even from Koutarou. 

He’d been watching Tendou shift in front of his eyes and he forced his body to move fractionally slower than his mind just as the other middle blocker slammed the ball into his fingers and out of bounds. The pain did not reach his brain until he’d registered that he’d lost his team another point. He lifted his hand, despair rode in waves as blood trickled down his wrist. 

Everything was moving too fast and before he knew it someone had pressed a towel over his hands and Kiyoko was steering him towards the exit. His mind buzzed with all the curse words of both the Japanese and English language he could think of. He couldn’t believe he had to endure the humiliation of being forced to go to the infirmary for something so simple as a skin tear. His team needed him now, not later when they’d already lost-

“Kei!”

He had known Akiteru had been watching, but Kei hadn’t expected him to come and see him right then. He didn’t have the patience nor the capacity to deal with him that moment, “ _Brother_ , why are you here?”

Akiteru spasmed and froze. Kei only realized what he’d done when he could no longer hear the gym, as if it was tossed off into another dimension. His brother recollected himself, “Of course I’d come to see my little brother in all his glory! That injury doesn’t look too bad…”

“Of course not,” Kei’s annoyance flared up again and he pushed past the older Tsukishima, “I’m fine, just being useless at a critical juncture is all.”

“Playing five sets is really tiring…”

“Right, and it’s about time I take a break and take care of this hand while I’m at it,” Kei knew he was being a shit, but that was the least of his worries. Why did he have to come?

“Your team can win, even without you,” Kei stiffened at his brother’s words, “You can believe in them at least that much.”

He faced Akiteru who had not moved. His casual determination was in his eyes and the sturdy set of his stance. His ability wasn’t fading and Kei could clearly see the glassy bubble around the four of them. Kei knew he could toss his words back into his face and remind him that he wouldn’t know anything about what he was feeling and that he had no right lecturing him when years ago he’d been the one to run away.

Instead he adjusted the glasses his brother got for him and chose to trust in his words for the first time in years.

Akiteru followed after him into the infirmary. He was a silent shield at his back and steady in the ways Kei needed him to be. He realized too late that he’d broken the rules and named someone during a competition and he spent half a second wondering at the irony that the one name he said was one he hadn’t spoken for years. Neither Kiyoko nor Hitoka mentioned his slip-up so he decided to not mention anything.

He hadn’t done enough in this game. He didn’t know how or when blocking Ushijima mattered to him, but he wasn’t going to back down now.

He admitted to himself he was relieved when he found out his team had held out without him. Kei had another chance. He was going to block one more… 

One more… 

When they’d won Kei didn’t know how to feel. Through the cheers and the upset, he’d heard his brother’s shouts louder than the pound of his heartbeats and his screaming legs. Coach Ukai praised him, declaring him the MVP of the match. 

The world was too loud.

When no one was looking, Kei snagged his iphone from Kiyoko’s bag at the bench and escaped to the bathroom. He shoved the earbuds into his ears and cranked the first shuffled song so high his head throbbed.

[ _Blue moon,_  
_You saw me standing alone,_  
_Without a dream in my heart…_ ]

He breathed and dropped his glasses onto the sink before crouching over it. His hands gripped smooth porcelain. The air conditioning of the small space was a sharp chill on his overheated skin. 

The match played through his head like it was a newsreel too old to show faces and completed stories. He remembered every spike from Ushijima and every glance off his fingers that careened into their court rather than the other team’s. 

Movement caught the corner of his eye and he pulled off one of the earbuds just in time to catch the gist, “-ceremony is about to start!”

“Ask me how many spikes I missed,” Kei bit out, ignoring his friend’s dismay and dropping his eyes back down into the black hole of the sink drainpipe, “I stopped only a single spike and we played five whole sets. I’m so uncool-”

“I can think of a lot of words about you right now, but uncool isn’t one of them!” Tadashi snapped. Kei reeled and raised his head in time to see his friend throw him a look of disgust and march out the door, “This is not the time for you to be feeling sorry for yourself! We’re going to nationals. Nationals! You better be at the awards ceremony.”

Kei flinched and had a few choice words of retaliation ready at the tip of his tongue but his friend had already slammed the door shut behind him, closing the proverbial doorway to an argument Kei knew he would have lost anyways. 

Tadashi was right. 

Besides, he had a brother to apologize to… 

+++

A warm summer gust tickled Tadashi’s hair along his forehead. He cracked opened his eyes to watch the window curtains flutter above him and the late-afternoon sun glitter off the glasses resting on the bedside table. His legs hung over the side of the bed, still not long enough to reach the floor. His “Bump of Chicken”album was still quietly playing from his friend’s CD player sitting at the foot of his bed. The hopping tone juxtaposed the sleepy afternoon.

“Tsukki,” he groused and stretched backwards feeling his spine burn. His sweat was soaking the cotton sheets beneath his bare back. 

There was no response, “Tsukki?” he said again and turned his head only to come nose-to-nose with his friend. Tadashi could feel Tsukki’s even breaths ghost across his cheek and he could smell the sweet ice lollipops they weren’t supposed to have eaten. He was curled up on his side. His pale chest was slightly pink and perspiration stuck his hair to his neck. A birthmark in the shape of a flower or maybe a star splotched just below his collarbone.

Tadashi had never noticed it before-

Heat that had nothing to do with the season drenched Tadashi in cold sweat. He sat up before he could think and accidentally jostled his friend awake in the process. 

Tsukki grunted and winced, “What the hell… what time is it?”

Heart still pounding, Tadashi only shrugged.

The other boy glared in his direction before sighing and crawling over his bed to reach for his glasses. His arm brushed against Tadashi’s back. It felt like ice against magma. 

Tsukki sat up beside him, still eying him while adjusting his glasses onto his nose, “Are you okay?”

He nodded, not quite meeting his friend’s eyes and hoping to every god watching over him that Kei would just think he was being weird.

Tsukki glanced over to his analog clock next to his computer and sighed, “It’s been two hours. How is Akiteru not home yet?”

“M-Maybe he forgot,” Tadashi knew it was a lame excuse but he was just glad he wasn’t at the center of attention anymore.

Tsukki’s expression was blank, “He promised. It’ll be his fault if the pool is too full to swim in when we get there.”

Tadashi nodded. 

His friend huffed and got to his feet while retying his swim trunks around his narrow waist, “Let’s get something to eat.”

“Okay!” Tadashi followed after him out the bedroom. The sound of the television got louder as they descended the stairs. They followed the sharp clangs and running water to the kitchen and they both stopped in the threshold.

Tsukki tensed, “How long have you been home?”

Akiteru jumped, dropping his knife and narrowly missing his fingers. He turned towards them, smile sheepish, “Awhile…”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” his friend’s tone was accusatory but his face was unreadable.

The older Tsukishima shrugged and turned back to the vegetables he’d been chopping, “I didn’t want to bother you…”

“We were supposed to go to the pool,” Tsukki didn’t relent, “Now it’s going to be full.”

“I’ll take you when I finish preparing dinner.”

Tadashi was beginning to feel awkward standing in the middle of a sibling argument. He stepped back.

His friend didn’t notice, “Don’t bother, brother,” he spun on his heel and stormed back upstairs. Tadashi didn’t have time to react and found himself alone on the precipice of staying downstairs out of politeness or following after his friend. 

Akiteru hadn’t made any move to acknowledge his younger brother leaving the kitchen. The television in the other room was the only undercurrent beneath the steady thud of steel hitting hardwood. After a long moment in which Tadashi finally decided to go back upstairs, the older boy spoke, “Are you staying for dinner, Tadashi?” 

He jumped, “Uhm… yeah.”

“Good. Could you do me a favor and grab me the green onion from the refrigerator?”

Tadashi nodded and scurried into the kitchen. He passed the onion to Tsukki’s brother and watched him chop. His movements were smooth and calming. He worked with a small smile, though Tadashi supposed that could have been for his benefit.

“I’m sorry you couldn’t go to the pool today,” Akiteru spoke again.

Tadashi shrugged, “We could go another time.”

The older Tsukishima nodded and spent a few longer moments chopping. He looked lost in thought. Tadashi had known Akiteru for a long time and was a little happy he could spend time with him like this. He lived up to all the stories Tsukki used to tell about him and Tadashi found that he looked up to him too. 

He recalled just minutes ago when his friend chose not to use his brother’s name, a sharp contrast to when he said it all the time. Even Tadashi felt his heart break.

“Uhm… Akiteru?” Tadashi bit his lip.

Akiteru startled out of his thoughts, “Yeah?”

“Sorry.”

His best friend’s brother only looked confused for a moment before he smiled. It was soft open and kind, “Don’t be, it’s not your fault.”

Tadashi nodded.

Akiteru waved him off, “You should go back upstairs. He’s probably feeling lonely right about now.”

“Y-Yeah,” he knew he was being dismissed and hurried towards the kitchen door.

“Oh, and Tadashi?”

He stopped.

Akiteru didn’t turn around, “Look after him alright? Kei doesn’t have many friends.”

Tadashi knew only too well, “Okay.”

“Thanks.”

He ran upstairs.

+++

Kei had fun.

There was no other word for it. 

Koutarou told him a long time ago that only people who were good at what they did would have fun and Kei had believed him. He still did to an extent but he also knew that it wasn’t the whole truth.

He did learn a lot and he did realize much about himself on the way to playing that fateful match against Nekoma. He realized that he wasn’t as good at volleyball as he thought he was. 

He also realized that his team weren’t the best either. 

But he also knew he only got this far because of them, and he wouldn’t trade them for anything. 

Kei leaned back into his chair and stretched his legs in front of him. The plastic creaked beneath his weight. He tucked his chin into the collar of Tadashi’s jacket and listened to the soft piano from his earphones. Behind him he could hear Shouyou still sniffling and Tobio mumbling words that somehow made the middle blocker laugh through tears. The third and second years had disappeared after their loss but the last match of the tournament was due to begin an a few minutes and Kei knew they weren’t going to miss it.

Tadashi’s seat beside him remained empty since he had excused himself to the bathroom. Kei hadn’t stopped him. Tadashi didn’t like anyone seeing him fall apart, especially Kei. 

“ **When are you you going to tell him how you feel?** ” Tetsurou had asked him after they’d bowed as winners and losers. 

Kei had told him it was none of his business.

“Um…” 

He shifted. Hitoka had taken a seat on his other side. Her face was still red, but she was smiling at him. In her hands was a protein bar and an energy drink, “You played well.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled and took them from her. He couldn’t agree.

She looked like she was working herself up to say something so Kei left her to it while he tore open the bar. His music shuffled. Kei recognized the slow steady thrum of the guitar counter-melody.

“I think-” Kei eyed Hitoka when she finally spoke. She halted, hands clasping at nothing, “Uhm, I think you’re amazing Kei!”

He didn’t answer. She looked anywhere but at him for something more say. The tune from his headphones turned to morose words: 

[ _So,_  
_So you think you can tell,_  
_Heaven from hell,_  
_Blue skies from pain,_  
_Can you tell a green field,_  
_From a cold steel rail…?_ ]

She leaned forward. Her nerves still on end. He was reminded a little of Tadashi, “I mean, did you see all those guys? Volleyball players are so big and scary! I don’t know what I’d do if I had to face one of them by myself! Um…”

For the first time, Kei wondered what her name was. 

He waited for her to say more, but Hitoka was winding down, “Sorry… I’m sure you don’t want to talk to me right now.”

She was right, he didn’t, “So why did you try?”

[ _Did they get you to trade_  
_Your heroes for ghosts?_  
_Hot ashes for trees?_  
_Hot air for a cool breeze?_  
_Cold comfort for change…?_ ]

She gaped at him and Kei was sure she didn’t expect him to talk back, “Uhm… don’t get mad.”

Kei waited. He doubted anything the soft-hearted Hitoka would ever say could make him angry.

“You looked lonely.”

Oh.

He dug his hands deeper into the jacket pockets, “I’m not.”

[ _How I wish, how I wish you were here,_  
_We're just two lost souls,_  
_Swimming in a fish bowl,_  
_Year after year…_ ]

“Okay,” her eyes casted down to her hands that wrung in her lap, “Sorry.”

He sighed inwardly, “And they aren’t scary. They’re just humans like the rest of us.”

Her hands tightened, “Yeah…”

“And it’s not like I’m by myself,” Kei didn’t know why he was still talking. He’d repeated what he’d also said to Tetsurou during their Nekoma match. He said it then and he still believed it. 

[ _Running over the same old ground,_  
_And how we found,_  
_The same old fears,_  
_Wish you were here…_ ]

If he closed his eyes, Kei knew he’d still remember every point his best friend made. He’d remember the exhilaration he felt when he’d block a ball. He could feel the pride from the people who’d taught him everything and for himself. 

He’d remember the sheer joy he felt the first time he and Tadashi scored a point together.

That feeling was better than winning against Nekoma. Better than blocking Ushijima’s spike for the first time. 

Even better than any naming.

A dull pang throbbed in his chest.

Hitoka was quiet for a long moment. Kei thought they were done and was moving to shift his headphones over his ears when she spoke up again and stopped him, “You’re so nice, Tsukki.”

“I’m not,” was his automatic response. 

She smiled, “Still, I can see why Tadashi is friends with you.”

He ignored her smile and covered his ears. 

She had it all wrong. 

Hitoka hurried away with the rest of the protein bars and energy drinks. The upperclassmen had returned and were getting into their seats around him. Kei shifted and was considering searching for Tadashi when his best friend returned. Bags were under his eyes and his nose was raw and red. Kei pushed his earphones from his ears just as his playlist shuffled and the lilting run of the piano and the swing of a harmonica introduced “Piano Man”. Kei let Billy Joel take him back to someone else’s lifetime, if only for a moment… 

[ _It's nine o'clock on a Saturday,_  
_The regular crowd shuffles in,_  
_There's an old man sitting next to me,_  
_Makin' love to his tonic and gin,_

 _He says, "Son, can you play me a memory_  
_I'm not really sure how it goes…”_ ]  


“Did they start yet?” His friend cleared his throat.

Kei shook his head.

“Do you think Fukurodani will win?”

“Maybe.”

[ _Sing us a song,_  
_You're the piano man,_  
_Sing us a song tonight,_  
_Well, we're all in the mood for a melody,_  
_And you've got us feeling alright…_ ]

“Yeah, they’re both strong teams aren’t they?” Tadashi dug into his gym bag and pulled out Kei’s jacket and didn’t even think twice before putting it on, “We should watch them closely. Whoever wins here will be the team we’ll have to beat when we come back next year.”

Kei blinked. Next year?

Tadashi caught him staring, “What-?”

“Tadashi!” from behind them Ryuu roared, “You bastard! Stop showing up your upperclassman!”

[ _Now John at the bar is a friend of mine,_  
_He gets me my drinks for free,_  
_And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke,_  
_But there's someplace that he'd rather be…_ ]

His best friend spun around, flustered, “I’m sorry!”

Noya sounded like he was on the brink of tears, “Tadashi! You’re so cool!”

[ _Now Paul is a real estate novelist,_  
_Who never had time for a wife,_  
_And he's talking with Davy,_  
_Who's still in the Navy,_  
_And probably will be for life…_ ]

“No way!” Shouyou’s voice was closer than Kei was comfortable with, “Watch when we get back. Tobio! We’re going to do double the spikes!”

“Triple.”

“Quadruple!”

Their captain’s voice boomed, “Sit down, all of you!”

“Pfft,” Kei hunched over and stopped his laugh before anyone else could notice.

Of course. Next year.

They had next year.

Tadashi was thoroughly appalled, “Tsukki! What?”

“Nothing,” he coughed, fixing his glasses to hide his smile, “You’re just amazing.”

[ _It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday,_  
_And the manager gives me a smile,_  
_'Cause he knows that it's me they've been coming to see,_  
_To forget about life for a while…_ ]

“Tsukki?” he was still confused. 

[ _And the piano, it sounds like a carnival,_  
_And the microphone smells like a beer,_  
_And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar,_  
_And say, "Man, what are you doing here?"_ ]

That’s okay, Kei thought to himself, feeling a warmth in his chest expand. He didn’t need to understand. Tadashi didn’t need to know.

“Tsukki?” his best friend asked again. He was worried now. He bit his lip, truly concerned, “Did I say something wrong?”

Kei’s heart lifted if only a little and the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding since they’d lost escaped his lungs. Kei wanted to smile again. In a fleeting thought he wondered if his true name was “Tsukki” and if Tadashi was a name giver all along.

[ _Sing us a song you're the piano man,_  
_Sing us a song tonight,_  
_Well we're all in the mood for a melody,_  
_And you got us feeling alright…_ ]

He said the only thing he knew how to say, “Forget the fools Tadashi,” he ignored the indignant squawks behind them.

“But Tsukki-”

“Of course we have next year,” he allowed himself a smile. 

His best friend was staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. Maybe he had. He’d probably lost it months ago.

“Of course…”

+++

One of Akiteru’s proudest moments was when Kei spoke for the first time. He’d recount the tale to anyone who’d ask, and if he was caught drunk he probably had already told the story to every person in the room. 

“It was a beautiful spring day,” he would start, his long arms arching in front of him to paint the picture of the past, “The birds were singing and a cool breeze was fluttering through pretty midnight nursery curtains,” he would pause as if he needed a moment to immortalize the memory.

“I was sitting in front of the open window, holding my fat, little Kei in my arms - he was getting so big so fast -”

“ _Brother_ ,” a sharp voice cut through the haze and halted the story. Akiteru couldn’t be bothered with getting upset. He was too busy feeling happy, “Don’t you dare.”

“Aw c’mon, Tsukki!”

“We want to hear the story!”

“You’re not gonna stop him anymore! Ryuu hold him down-”

“This is priceless!”

“Tsukki, are you okay?!”

“We should get Saeko to-”

Voices dove in and out too fast for Akiteru to focus on one and his unstable sound-bubble had made it impossible for him to pick up everything. He cleared his throat, “As I was saying… what was I saying?”

“Tsukki was fat- ow!”

“Oh right,” the older Tsukishima nodded to himself, “so I was sitting in front of the open window, holding my fat, little Kei in my arms, and I was singing my own version of “You Are My Sunshine” - because the Tsukishima family is of the moon - especially when it comes to Kei-”

“Awwwwwww…”

“And do you know what happened? Do you know what he did?” Akiteru leaned in, feeling his bubble dissipate just in time. His audience chorused:

“He ignored you!”

“He said you were a bad singer!”

“He crapped.”

“Tobio!”

“What? That’s what babies do don’t they-”

“Hey, you guys-!”

Akiteru’s laughter could be heard across the entire restaurant and he couldn’t stop, “No! No no no! Not even close, but he totally would!” tears were welling up in his eyes, from laughter or joy, he couldn’t tell, “I’m so happy Kei has friends like you all…”

“ _Brother_.”

Half the sound in the restaurant cut off entirely, but that didn’t stop Akiteru from blubbering to those who could still hear him, “He always had a hard time what with being a name-giver and everything. People always thought he was going to make them do weird things or take advantage of them or something! Ridiculous! Right, Tadashi? And then there were those other people just wanted to know their names. Poor Kei. My poor little brother...”

A warm hand wrapped around his wrist and lifted him from where he sat. IT guided him to another spot around the large table. Noise gradually returned to normal around him and people were no longer shouting, but were busy picking the food off the table. The hand released him and passed him a glass of water. Akiteru took it thankfully and followed the hand up an arm and to a familiar face. 

He smiled, “Thanks.”

“You’re not leaving my side the rest of the night.”

“Okay.”

Kei scoffed and picked sashimi off a plate and into a bowl each for both of them, “I can’t believe you still tell that story.”

“It’s my best one.”

“It’s stupid.”

“I like the story,” Tadashi spoke up from the other side of Kei. Akiteru always liked that kid.

His brother rolled his eyes but didn’t argue any further.

Akiteru smiled again, mostly to himself. It seems like he didn’t have to worry so much anymore… 

The glass slipped from his fingers and thunked onto the tabletop. He yawned. His eyes were heavy, “Kei.”

“What.”

“I think I’m going to fall asleep.”

“Then do it.”

“Okay,” he moved to lean against the wall closed his eyes, “Don’t leave me here.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, whatever just go to sleep.”

“Goodnight, Kei.”

A pause.

“Goodnight, _Brother_ …”


	2. The Piano Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei must now navigate through his second year in high school not only as a namer, but with a crush that seemed to only be getting worse every day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update came nearly a month later. At least it's still in June! A list of songs can be found in the end notes.  
> Also I think it's worth mentioning if anyone was wondering how I chose or narrowed down songs, nearly all tunes chosen were from the years 2015 and earlier which is my personal headcanon of the years Haikyuu!! took place. Only a specific couple are more modern because of personal preference or because I wanted to use them for certain people. 
> 
> Once again, happy birthday~
> 
> Special thanks once again to my beta sardonic_at_heart for dealing with me and also for helping on my quest for songs to use for this monster of an au.
> 
> Also to S80 who still supports my insanity.

In his not-so-humble opinion, the new Ed Sheeran album was sub-par. Kei had been listening to it nonstop in the last week and he still couldn’t get behind the hype.

[ _When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades,_  
_And the crowds don't remember my name._  
_When my hands don't play the strings the same way,_  
_I know you will still love me the same …_ ]

He sighed, glancing up from his math and at his best friend laboring over his English. His hair fell in curtains around his face and his brown eyes were far away. Kei could tell his homework was the last thing on his mind. He wondered what Tadashi was thinking about. That movie they watched last night? The drama CD he’s been looking forward to? Last week’s game? 

[ _But baby now,_  
_Take me into your loving arms,_  
_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars,_  
_Place your head on my beating heart,_  
_I'm thinking out loud…_ ]

He ripped the earphone from his ear, “No.”

Tadashi jumped. He pulled the earphone from his side from his ear and looked around, “What?”

“Nothing,” he coughed, feeling his face heat, “Are you almost done?”

“No, I’m stuck on the last question. You?”

“Not even close,” Kei leaned back in his chair, sighing, “Switch with me. English is easy.”

“Math is easy,” Tadashi smirked craning over Kei’s notebook, “We can’t cheat, Tsukki. How are you supposed to learn anything?”

Kei rolled his eyes, “I was joking.”

Tadashi giggled, “Anyways you’re on the right track. Check mine.”

Kei snatched his worksheet off the table and scanned it. He could hear his mother announcing her arrival from the front door. She rushed past the kitchen door and stopped, “Hello Tadashi! Will you be staying for dinner?”

“No, my mom wants me home today,” Tadashi called back. Kei looked up to catch his friend’s smile. 

His mom tutted, “You’re always welcome- Goodness, you need a haircut!”

“Oh,” Tadashi’s hand flew to his head. Kei didn’t miss the self-conscious way his eyes fell away, “Yeah, maybe.”

“You should go to Kei’s hairdresser. Kei, take Tadashi to Mrs. Uemura.”

Kei scowled, “Thanks mom.”

“I’ll be upstairs, call me if you need anything!”

“Thanks, Mrs. Tsukishima!”

Kei glared after his mom until she disappeared. She was worse than Akiteru when it came to personal boundaries and Kei wondered how he was lucky enough inherit the good genes, “Hey,” he pulled his friend’s hand still playing with his hair and forced him to point at the last question, “It’s asking: ‘Who is your favorite music artist’ not ‘What is your favorite music’.”

Tadashi squinted at his paper, the moment forgotten. He brightened, “Imagine if you had to answer this question.”

Kei snorted, reaching for his earphones, “I’d answer it right.”

Tadashi giggled again and Kei had to hide his own smile behind his hand because Tadashi’s laughter was one of his favorite sounds in the world. His music was still playing, a new song lined up in his playlist. 

[ _You open the door,_  
_Wearing nothing but a smile down to the floor._  
_And you whisper in my ear, "Baby I'm yours",_  
_Ooh just the thought of you gets me so high, so high,_  
_So high._

_Girl you're the one, I want to want me,_  
_And if you want me, girl you got me..._ ]

Kei clicked his tongue and went for his phone.

“Oh, I love this song!” Tadashi sang, “[ _No, I wouldn’t do! Just to get up next to you!_ ]”

Kei picked up his pencil instead, “For someone who doesn’t like English, you sure know English music pretty well,” he teased.

He was ignored, “[ _Girl you're the one I want to want me, and if you want me, girl you got me_ ]- c’mon, Tsukki!”

Kei forced himself not to watch, “I don’t even like Jason Derulo.”

Tadashi laughed, “Sorry Tsukki. I promise I’ll get back to work now.”

Good.

Kei was allowed another math problem worth of time before Tadashi spoke up again. They were listening to another dumb Ed Sheeran song that Kei swore existed to haunt him, “So what do you think about the new first years?”

“They’re hopeless,” he dropped his pencil. Looks like he’ll have to finish later.

“They are, aren’t they?” Tadashi put his pencil down too and stretched back. His fingers were in his hair again pushing it from his forehead and it was distracting in all the right ways, “I don’t think we were that terrible in our first year.”

“Stop worrying about them,” Kei scowled and looked over at his friend’s homework. He’d finished it with declaring his favorite artist was Kesha which was weird because Kei couldn’t even recall her last album. He’d have to look it up later, “They’re the captain’s problem, not yours.”

His friend shrugged.

Tadashi needed to focus more on becoming a regular and not on whether or not “new idiot #1” and “new idiot #2” could receive. 

“At least they’re not bothering you about naming,” he continued.

Kei winced, “It’ll be a matter of time since we’ll be going to Tokyo to play Nekoma soon.”

“And Shouyou can’t keep his mouth shut.”

“Exactly.”

Tadashi giggled and this time Kei smiled too. His friend checked his watch, “I have to get going. Tell your mom I said bye.”

“Sure.”

He watched his friend pack and walked him to his front door. He was halfway down his driveway before Kei mustered his courage, “Hey, about your hair…”

Tadashi’s hand went back to his head. Kei needed him to stop that, “W-What about it?”

Kei took a deep breath, “I like it long.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah.”

“Really?” Tadashi was fidgeting again, pushing his hair behind his ears and then twirling it forward, forcing him to do it all over again. It was maddening, “I like it too.”

“Good, then don’t cut it,” His fingers twitched to his pocket where his phone was but he stopped himself. 

The only way he could tell Tadashi was blushing was the red at the tip of his ears. His heart was going so fast, he could barely hear his friend’s response, “B-But. It gets in the way-”

“I’ll get you something to tie it with,” by now Kei could feel he was also, if not more, red than Tadashi.

His friend was looking at him in a way that brought Kei back to when they were kids and Kei had done something amazing. Then he smiled and Kei had to grip the door frame to hold himself together, “Thanks, Tsukki! I’ll see you Monday?”

“Yeah.”

Tadashi waved and headed out through the gate of Kei’s property. He waited until Tadashi was out of sight before slamming the front door shut and running upstairs to his room to fall into his bed. 

His mom shouted after him, “Kei, are you alright? Did Tadashi leave?”

“Yeah,” his shout was muffled but she heard him.

Her footsteps paced over to his room doorway, “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing, _Brightly_.”

She clicked her tongue, “Tsukishima Kei, don’t be using my name when I’m trying to speak to you like a responsible adult.”

Kei slumped but accepted his fate, “Sorry.”

“Look at me.”

He sat up.

“Is everything okay?”

He couldn’t blame his mother for her worry. She’s had to deal with both her son’s emotional fallout and accommodated Kei’s needs far too long.

“I’m fine. I was just thinking.”

“Is Tadashi being bullied again?”

Kei wanted to laugh. Anyone who’d bully Tadashi as he was now would probably end up running home crying, “No I was just…” he hesitated, “Do you know where I could buy a hair tie?”

+++

Since the third years had graduated and new members joined the club, Tadashi had been spending less and less time practicing with Kei. There was no mystery as to why that was since the younger boys had been sticking to his best friend like glue. 

“Mr. Tsukishima. Do you have time?”

Except for Taiyo Yamano, but he didn’t count. The lanky boy was an outlier of the first-years from the beginning and had made a unique first impression by asking to be called by his last name rather than his first.

[ _No thank you._  
_They call me after dark,_  
_I don't want no part,_  
_My habits, they hold me like a grudge…_ ]

Kei had been lounging at the edge of the court. Captain Chikara had ended practice early that day to give extra time for the rest of the third years to study for midterm exams and he’d been waiting for Tadashi to finish so they could walk home together.

Kei lowered the volume from his headphones, suppressing a sigh, “What is it?”

The first year shifted his weight but he was determined, “Could you block for me?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Ask Shouyou.”

Yamano looked over towards the other middle blocker with a somber expression. Shouyou and Tobio were hogging the entire second court and had been spending the latter half of their free time practicing some new signs and timings. By the look on their faces, Kei knew they weren’t going to finish anytime soon; but if he had to hear “One more!” for another hour, he was going to lose his mind. 

The first year continued, “Tadashi told me to ask you.”

Kei then turned towards the first court where a group was practicing receives. Tadashi was at the opposite side of the net. He tossed the ball into the air and his arm came down on it with practiced ease. It floated over to the other side to ‘new idiot #1’ backed by Noya. The ball veered off the first year’s arms. The libero cheered regardless. 

[ _One kiss,_  
_Bad for me,_  
_But I give in so easily._  
_And no thank you is how it should've gone,_  
_I should stay strong._

_But I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?_  
_Boy, oh boy I love it when I fall for that…_ ]

Kei only knew he’d been staring when Tadashi caught his eye and waved. His hair was sticking to the sweat on his neck. Kei had spent most of his weekend looking for a tie for him. He knew Tadashi would wear anything, but the more Kei thought about it, the more he wanted to get something that wasn’t just any normal hair tie. In the end, he found nothing. 

He cursed his weakness and tore his headphones off his neck. He stood and stormed towards the second court, leaving his music on the bench and calling over his shoulder, “Fine, come on.”

Yamano seemed to only hold back his exuberance by sheer will. Kei appreciated his effort, “Thanks Mr. Tsukishima!”

Kei sighed and led him towards the second court. He stopped at the edge, watching Hitoka toss another ball over to Tobio who arced it over to Shouyou’s clean spike that rocketed it into one of the circled areas of the court. He waited until they were reset and Shouyou was running for the next toss before shouting, “Excuse me, _King_. _He Reaches_!”

Kageyama’s toss was still perfect. On the other hand, Shouyou’s boosted speed got him to his spot too early and his jump overshot the ball’s trajectory. He landed hard enough for his legs to buckle beneath him and send him sprawling.

“Kei!” Shouyou flailed, “That’s not fair!”

Kei smirked, “What do you mean? Don’t you like it when I say your name?”

“I wasn’t ready!”

“Shou, are you okay?” Hitoka had hurried over. Her hands fluttered around him without really helping anything. 

Tobio lifted him off the ground before glaring at Kei, “What was that for?”

Kei motioned over his shoulder where Yamano was hiding behind him, “He wants to practice spiking with blockers.” 

“So?”

“So,” Kei stressed, “Why don’t you be good upperclassman and help your underclassman for once?”

“Yamano!” Shouyou recovered. He dove for the volleyball in Yamano’s hand and tugged him towards the net, “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything you need to know about spiking. Much better than Stingy-shima.”

“Uhm… thank you…”

Shouyou positioned Yamano on the side of the net with Tobio before ducking under to stand beside Kei. While their setter was explaining strategies, Shouyou leaned towards him and stage-whispered, “You owe me.”

“What? Did you say something?” Kei didn’t even bother keeping his voice down. 

Shouyou nudged him hard, “Don’t worry, Kei. Your secret is safe with me.”

Kei fixed his glasses and glared down at the shorter boy, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He winked then spun around to the first court, “Tadashi! Do you need help over there?”

“No we’re fine!” was his friend’s immediate response. Kei’s spine stiffened. Tadashi continued, “Yamano will probably get better practice with two blockers anyways.” 

Shouyou snickered and went back to his whisper, “Sounds like he’s been watching.”

“I hate you.”

He shrugged, “Tobio, you ready yet?”

“Yeah,” the setter grunted and settled in his position, “Yamano?”

“Y-Yeah,” the younger boy breathed. He bounced in-place. There was a familiar gleam in his eyes that Kei often saw in Tobio and Shouyou and sometimes even in Tadashi. 

Kei grunted and bent into his position, “Hey, speak up. When you’re on the court we need to hear you.”

“Yes!”

Hitoka threw the ball to Tobio. It seemed to arc in slow-motion and Kei’s body moved exactly as it knew to do, even though his mind was in a whole other court.

+++

The next day, Shouyou summoned miraculous restraint to wait an entire practice before he called in his “favor”. Captain Chikara had finished early for another senior study-session and left to the lockers when the shrimp dragged Kei back onto the court and puffed himself up to announce: “I now declare a naming war!”

Noya and Ryuu whooped, running back towards the courts, both seniors already dodging their responsibilities. 

Ryuu was crying, “Shou, how did you get him to agree?”

“Kei owes me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Naming war?” new idiot #1 asked aloud, “Are we going to fight or something?”

“It’s what Shouyou likes to call the games we play when we use our names,” Tadashi spoke up. He crossed his arms, first eyeing Shouyou and then Kei, “We’ve only played it once though. The first time could barely be called a game.”

“Too bad Suga isn’t here,” Noya grinned, “He had a great ability to use in a game.”

“I want Hisashi!” Ryuu roared, already grabbing his fellow third year. 

The libero gasped, “Fine! Then I’ll take Tobio!”

“Wait!” Shouyou waved, “Not everyone knows their name.”

Noya did the math on his fingers, counting off each teammate, “If we play with the people here, it’s going to be uneven. Someone is going to have to sit out.”

“Uhm…” Hiro, the second idiot raised his hand, “I know my name. Do I count?”

“Of course!” Noya slapped him on the back, “Now we can play four-on-four! What’s your trait?”

“I can’t get tired.”

“Woah! That’s amazing!”

Kei felt a gaze burning into the side of his face, but he refused to look. His friend hadn’t said anything else and Kei was getting suspicious. 

“Tadashi’s on my team!” Shouyou crowed, “You’re playing this time right?”

Now, Kei caught his eye and held it.

Tadashi did not back down, “Yeah sure.”

“No,” Kei snapped his mouth shut but he was already too late. 

His friend stood a little straighter, “Sorry Tsukki, I’m playing.”

“I’m not saying your name.”

“Why not?” the shrimp was being annoying again, “Is it that bad?”

“My name is just fine,” Tadashi sniffed, “Tsukki just doesn’t want to accept it.”

Kei grit his teeth and breathed, forcing himself to calm down. He couldn’t believe they were arguing about this again, “Of course I don’t, because you aren’t your name.”

Someone gasped and the team went unnaturally still. Kei wanted to be anywhere but standing in front of Tadashi’s hurt and the judgement of people he shouldn’t care about. 

Noya started, “Tsukki-”

“It’s fine,” Tadashi covered his face. Kei knew he fucked up. “Never mind, sorry Shou I’ll play next time.”

It was then that Chikara realized his fellow third years weren’t joining him. He stormed back from the locker rooms, “What’s going on here?”

Ryuu and Noya yelped excuses and sprinted out of the gym, effectively throwing the rest of the team back into motion.

But Kei was stuck.

He was suspended like an old marionnette.

The man who held the strings to his heart was walking away from him, and Kei didn’t know how to pull him back. 

They didn’t go home together that day.

+++

If Kei had been listening to only romance songs since the day he realized he had a crush on his best friend, he wasn’t willing to admit it. 

Now that Tadashi wasn’t talking to him, Kei’s playlist had gotten even worse. He’d even went as far as listened to Kesha. Her new album was eons different than her usual. He especially liked the song, “Rainbow”. It reminded him a bit about Tadashi. 

That morning in class he was listening to the morning radio from his earphones, only half-listening to the lecture.

[ _Tomorrow I’ll love you even more than today,_  
_This overwhelming feeling won’t stop,_  
_Even now I love you so much, I even can’t put it into words,_  
_As you give me more and more days,_  
_The days that pass are tracks that we’ve left…_ ]

“Kei will you read the next passage please?” 

He cranked his earphone’s volume low and stood from behind his desk, book in hand. He accidentally looked at the girl in the desk next to him. Her name throbbed.

_She Shines_

Irritation rising, he looked away and forced himself to read the words on the page while his mind was focussed on something else entirely.

The world really wasn’t fair. Tadashi deserved a name that was strong and beautiful like “She Shines” or “He Reaches”. He deserved a name that told everyone how loyal and hardworking he was. Kei would never waste his time on someone “Pathetic”. 

He finished reading and sat down. He didn’t bother turning his music back up.

Tadashi was not _Pathetic_.

The teacher called his friend to read next. He stumbled to his feet apologizing and coughing. The girl next to Kei giggled and Kei wanted to laugh too because of course Tadashi had fallen asleep in English class.

If he could give Tadashi a true name it’d be something simple and inspiring so Kei could say it to him every day.

Tadashi finished reading and sat down. Kei waited for him to turn around looking horrified and laughing because Kei was always in on the joke; but he didn’t, and Kei found the space in his chest where his friend was supposed to be and felt it crack. 

[ _As the days go by, we’ve found more and more little happiness,_  
_As we walk along, making our tracks,_  
_Our meeting was a small event in a big world,_  
_The fact that we met,_

_That’s a miracle…_ ]

+++

“ _Brother_ ,” Kei knocked on the open door.

Akiteru fumbled with his phone from where he’d been lounging in his office chair. He spun around, eyes wide. Kei knew he was playing dirty by using Akiteru’s true name, but this was important. 

The older Tsukishima cleared his throat. Kei could tell he was trying not to look too happy, “What’s up?”

“Can I ask you something?” Kei braided his fingers in front of him. He could feel his phone in his pocket. He told himself he had nothing to be anxious about, but he and Akiteru hadn’t talked to one another very much recently.

“Yeah, come in, sit down,” Akiteru scrambled to sweep his books off his mattress and tossed his backpack into the corner. Kei closed the door behind him and sat at the edge of the the bed. 

His brother dropped back into his chair across from him and grinned, “Go ahead and tell your big brother your woes.”

Kei was already regretting this.

“Sorry,” Akiteru chuckled and tried again, “What’s up?”

He surged ahead even though he knew neither of them was about to enjoy this conversation, “How did you feel when I stopped saying your name?”

“Oh,” his brother faltered, and then laughed past his own awkwardness, “I thought you wanted college or girl advice or something.”

Kei waited.

“Can I be honest with you?” his brother crossed his arms and leaned in. 

Kei fidgeted but nodded. He didn’t think Akiteru would purposely hurt his feelings and he didn’t want anything but the truth; especially from his brother. He knew Akiteru always cared about his name in a way that Kei would never understand. If anyone could explain to him how Tadashi must be feeling, it’d be him. 

“Nothing ever felt right,” he took a deep breath, “I know we’re raised being told that knowing our true name doesn’t change anything about us, but I don’t think that’s entirely true. My name is a part of me and who I was, am, and will be. I think anyone who has ever been named would agree with me.” Akiteru smiled, apologetic, “So when you stopped saying it on purpose, I felt like everything I was and believed in was being rejected. It hurt.”

Kei swallowed. He hadn’t expected such a lengthy response, “Oh.”

“Hey that’s in the past now, and I know that’s not why you did it.”

“But what if,” Kei busied his hands with his glasses, “What if you didn’t like your name? Wouldn’t you want me to not say it?”

“I don’t think that’s possible…” Akiteru thought for a moment, “Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true. Are we talking about Tadashi now?”

Kei knew his brother would figure him out eventually, “I don’t like his name.”

Akiteru winced, “He must have been upset when you told him that.”

He grit his teeth, “I get that names are more than words, but some names are hurtful and terrible. Some names make no sense!”

His brother flinched again, “Goodness Kei, you of all people should know there are no such things as bad true names.”

“Tadashi is not “Pathetic”,” he repeated aloud what he’s been telling himself since the day his best friend stopped talking to him, or maybe even longer than that, “By definition, “Pathetic” means nothing positive. He should hate his name more than I do.”

“Don’t say that,” Akiteru was firm, he wasn’t smiling anymore, “You don’t understand.”

“I don’t.”

His brother sighed, “Listen, Kei. I know what you mean, and you’re right, “Pathetic” doesn’t sound like a positive name.”

Kei’s heart clenched. Of course he was right. He’d thought about this a lot.

“Do you know what “Brother” means to me?”

“That you’re my brother?”

“Yeah,” Akiteru laughed again though it was breathless and embarrassed, “But it also means that I am someone who is bound to someone else. It means that I matter to someone.”

Kei felt his face heat and he had an urge to change the subject away from the new direction it was going.

Akiteru knew exactly what he was thinking but he wasn’t letting him off the hook, “What kind of brother I am, however, is entirely up to the choices I make. Whether I become someone my brother could look up to and depend on, or someone my brother would look at and learn from the mistakes I made, still makes me “Brother”. It’s the law I lived by even before you named me.”

Kei looked away from the proud light in Akiteru’s eyes. He still didn’t fully understand, “So what you’re saying is that even though Tadashi’s name is “Pathetic”, he chooses what it means?”

The older Tsukishima hesitated, “Yes?”

“Yes?” Kei huffed, “Are you sure or aren’t you?”

Akiteru threw his hands in the air, “At this point you know about names just as much as I do.”

This was pointless. If anything, he was more confused than he was before the conversation, “Being a namer is a pain.”

“I can’t pretend to know how you feel, but I can only imagine,” his brother considered him for a long moment, “Have you thought about yourself getting named?”

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t, “I can’t.”

He didn’t pry any further, “If you ever change your mind, don’t feel like you can’t tell me.”

“Okay.”

Akiteru smiled.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just missed talking to you.”

“You’re being weird.”

“How’s school?”

“I’m leaving now.”

“Wait, Kei! Come back!”

+++

Captain Chikara cornered him the day before their scrimmage with Nekoma. He had a particular stern look on him that Daichi never had been able to pull off, “Kei, do you have a moment?”

Kei shrugged and passed his water bottle back to Hitoka. They’d just finished their third doubles match of the day and not even Shouyou had the energy to shout for a few extra tosses. Noya had also took it upon himself to lecture the first years, so Kei was free of his shadow for once.

Tadashi had been avoiding him for an entire week. Kei hadn’t realized how much he missed his friend until Tadashi had took it upon himself to avoid him on purpose. He didn’t even look bothered. How was that fair?

He followed Chikara to an empty corner of the court. His captain wasted no time in getting to the point, “You have to resolve whatever problem you’re having with Tadashi.”

He should have expected this, “Is our play being affected?”

“No…”

“Then there shouldn’t be any problem.”

“Kei,” Chikara sighed, “Look, I’m not only saying this for the sake of the team. You and Tadashi are friends. I don’t like seeing you both like this.”

He adjusted his glasses, “We’ll handle it.”

“Will you?”

Kei nodded.

“Great,” Chikara patted him on his shoulder which Kei assumed was supposed to feel comforting. He looked like he was about to regret what he was going to say next but he did it anyways, “and for the record, I don’t like Tadashi’s name either.”

Kei stiffened. Hearing the sentiment come from someone else’s mouth didn’t sit well with him and he had no idea how to respond. 

His captain continued, “but maybe in the end, some things are more important than names.”

He patted him on the shoulder again and headed back to their team calling for a last bout of sprints amidst groans of protest. Kei ruminated on his words.

Names aren’t important? No. His life was built on names and he of all people knew how words could both destroy and build a person.

He ran the sprints, deep in thought, and managed to finish before the first years. He escaped to the lockers before Yamano could catch him. Ryuu and Noya were the only other two in the room and they finished changing just as Kei was digging his uniform from his bag. 

He was pulling off his shirt when the locker beside him creaked open.

Kei froze.

“Hey, Tsukki?”

He yanked his shirt off the rest of the way and shoved his glasses back onto his face. He knew his hair must look ridiculous now and he was standing half-naked in front of his crush but Tadashi was talking to him. He cleared his throat, ignoring the heat rising in his face, “Yeah?”

His best friend fidgeted. Kei noted how his hair was still too long and how it was sticking to his neck even more. Perspiration dripped onto the cotton of his shirt. He was tanned and flushed from their hard weeks of practice and Kei wished he had been there to tease him about how his freckles only darkened in contrast in the sun, “I’m sorry for getting mad at you.”

Kei swallowed, “It’s okay, I think I deserved it.”

“Oh,” Tadashi looked away.

This was his moment. He had to hold on to it.

He took a deep breath, heart pounding in his ears. The next word surged from his chest-

“ _Pathetic_.”

Tadashi jumped, his hands came up to his heart and he stared at him with wide eyes as if Kei tried to scare him. He was breathing so hard and fast, Kei was afraid he was going to faint.

“Tsukki…” he murmured and Kei wished, oh so desperately, that his best friend would never say his name that way again lest he’d do something he’d regret. 

Then he froze. Disappointment descended upon his shoulders like a cloak of stone and-, “Oh,” his voice was gravel, “I see…”

“See what?” Kei responded just as breathless. He was confused. He thought Tadashi would be happy.

“It’s okay if you didn’t mean it,” he looked down at his feet, “Thank you for trying.”

Kei didn’t know what to say.

“I’ll wait for you outside,” then he ran from the room, leaving his belongings and Kei behind once again.

He wanted to go after him, but he was still confused as to why his best friend thought he didn’t mean to say his name. He was sure he said it with intention. 

Why didn’t it work?

+++

The next day was a Saturday and their practice match with Nekoma. The Tokyo team arrived in the late morning giving Karasuno enough time to warm up and go over a few more strategies with Coach Ukai. 

Tadashi had walked home with Kei even after his botched apology. His friend had pretended nothing happened and even asked him about what new music he’d been listening to. The next morning wasn’t any different and before Kei knew it, they were playing against Nekoma. 

Kei had to admit the absence of Tetsu within the sea of red jerseys was off-putting. However, their rivals still pulled off a win in their first and second matches. Kenma was, as usual, a horrifying adversary.

They sprinted their suicides and then broke off for lunch. Kei sat between Tadashi and Yamano. Now that he wasn’t focussing on a game, he had time to think more about what happened with Tadashi and him in the locker rooms. Maybe subconsciously Kei really didn’t want to say his name, but he couldn’t recall something like that happening any other time in his life before.

He was sharing one of Ayumi Hamasaki’s album with Tadashi over chicken katsu and rice and trying not to stare at the new freckle behind his friend’s ear, when Shouyou crashed into his back. He looked up, a sharp comment ready at his tongue.

The shrimp beat him to it, “Hey Kei, can I ask you something?”

He swallowed his mouthful before answering, “No.”

Shouyou leaned closer. He pitched his voice lower and cupped his hands around his mouth as if that’d stop anyone from overhearing, “Please? It’s a favor.”

He looked over at Tadashi who was already rolling his eyes, amusement clear in his smile.

Kei missed it more than he realized.

He sighed, “What’s the favor?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Goodbye.”

“No! Kei, please?”

“How am I supposed to give you this “favor” if I don’t even know what it is?” he huffed. 

“Can you meet me after lunch by the vending machines? I promise I’ll explain then,” he pressed his palms together, “Please please please please please-”

“Okay!” Kei pushed him away, feeling suffocated, “Now go away.”

“Thanks Kei!” he whooped and leapt back to the table he’d been sharing with a few of the Nekoma players. 

“What do you think all that was about?” Tadashi mused.

“Probably something stupid,” Kei picked up his earpiece and caught the end of the song. The opening piano of the next track led into a new melody.

Tadashi cocked his head. 

[ _Aside from the really precious things,_  
_If I could throw everything else away,_  
_That’ll be great…_ ]

Kei heard him speak over Hamasaki’s “Dearest”, “It has to be something about naming.” 

Kei shrugged, “Probably.”

Tadashi hesitated, “Don’t let him bully you into doing something you don’t want to.”

“Really?” he snorted, “The shrimp is the last person I’ll let tell me what to do.”

His friend didn’t look convinced.

After lunch he told Tadashi he’ll catch up with him later before heading to the vending machines. He rounded the corner to find Shouyou and Kenma bent over a video game. Seeing the Nekoma player brought him short. Kei could guess only a few reasons why Kenma, another person who could name, would be involved in Shouyou’s secret. He lowered the gentle classical music in his earbuds to soft tinkles he could hear only just enough.

“Okay, I’m here,” he crossed his arms, “What do you want?”

The two jumped, “Kei! You came!”

“What do you want,” he repeated, “Hurry up. We only have a few minutes before coach comes looking for the both of us.”

Shouyou bobbed his head, “Yeah! Okay, Kenma wanted to ask you something.”

The other boy nodded and Kei waited for the question he suspected he was about to be asked. The setter was looking towards him but off somewhere above his shoulder, his gaze steady. Kei had once thought the way Kenma would avoid looking other people in the eyes was creepy, but considering his circumstances he could hardly blame him, “Sorry Tsukishima. I know you don’t know me very well, but I thought you might be my best chance at this.”

Shouyou nudged him, “You have to talk faster. Kei doesn’t have patience.”

Kenma ignored him, “Tetsu can’t know.”

Kei suspected as much, “You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I had to say it anyways,” his mouth quirked. He switched to look over Kei’s other shoulder, “I have a favor to ask of you as a fellow namer-”

Kei held up his hand to stop the Nekoma player from speaking any more before he turned his attention to his teammate, “You need to leave.”

“What?” Shouyou squawked, “No way!”

“It’s okay Shou,” Kenma waved him off.

He groaned but left anyways. Kei could clearly hear his mutterings as he passed on his stomp back towards the gym, “No fair. Name givers and their stupid-”

Kenma waited until Shouyou was out of sight before he spoke again, “I want to request a naming.”

“I don’t do requests.”

“I know,” Kenma didn’t fidget, “Tetsu told me, but I still wanted to ask you myself.”

Kei crossed his arms. That bastard promised not to tell, “I still don’t do requests.”

Kenma’s eyes betrayed the thoughts running through his head and Kei felt like he knew the exact moment when he settled on a new tact, “I don’t want to be a namer anymore.”

The words stung a raw part in Kei’s psyche, “I don’t see why that has anything to do with me.”

“I need you to name me,” Kenma repeated with force, “I don’t know anyone else and professionals are expensive.”

Kei swallowed. The other man’s words resonated with the tiny thoughts that floated in the back of his mind.

Kenma’s next words sounded as if they came from far away, “I can give you your name too.”

Air left his lungs in a rush, “I don’t want it.”

The other man shrugged, “It’s all I have to offer.”

“You don’t have to offer anything,” Kei grit his teeth, “and I am not going to name you just because you want me to-”

“I understand,” Kenma interjected, “and I thought you of all people would understand me most too.”

His mouth snapped shut. That’s the problem. Kei did understand.

“Just think about it,” the other man whispered, “I don’t want to live this way anymore.”

And then he left.

+++

A week after their practice match with Nekoma, Karasuno lost in the first round of the Interhigh Preliminaries. 

Everything had been going right. Noya and their receives were solid and their ace was on his game.

Yet not even their new aggressive attack force could break through Datekou’s new Iron Wall. The crush of defeat was worse than losing to Aoba Johsai in their first year, mostly because as Miyagi’s champions everyone was expecting a repeat of their previous success. 

The air in the bus ride home was heavy and Kei felt like curling up with his silencing headphones and never moving again. He could describe the rally of every point he’d lost down to the number the other player had been wearing and the exact sound their hand made when they spiked the ball past Kei’s block. 

Tadashi shifted. He sat in the window seat beside him, clearly exhausted but wide awake. He was picking at the tape he’d forgotten to peel off his fingers. A wrinkle had creased between his brow. Kei could bet his friend was counting his mistakes too.

Without a word, Kei took the hand Tadashi had been working on and unwrapped the rest of his fingers. He felt his friend’s eyes on him, but he didn’t say anything either. 

Kei finished and grabbed the other hand. Tadashi’s fingers were long and sort of graceful. His nails were torn and brutally cut to the skin. The tape left geometric stripes next to the creases of his knuckles. 

“Thanks Tsukki,” Tadashi mumbled. His voice floated between them.

Kei hummed. The bus hit a pothole and some of his sleeping teammates groaned. 

“Tsukki?” his best friend spoke again.

“Yeah?” Kei mimicked his low voice, creating a world where only they existed.

“Do you think we’ll make it to Nationals this year?”

Kei admitted his empirical truth, “No.”

“I thought so,” he slumped lower, “I still think we have a chance though.”

“Probably.”

Tadashi’s lips quirked, “Is that positivity I hear?”

Kei made a face.

His friend laughed, but he halted as soon as he remembered why he was sad in the first place. Kei missed it immediately, “I don’t like losing.”

The feeling was mutual, “We’ll just have to win the next one.”

Tadashi looked like he wanted to laugh again but he nudged him instead, “Yeah. And the one after that, and the one after that…” he yawned, “sounds easy enough.”

“You should sleep,” Kei nudged him back before he could think twice about it. This was the most they’ve spoken to one another since their fight and Kei only dared to press his luck. He held back his own yawn, “I don’t mind.”

“I know you don’t,” Tadashi looked his way fondly before he leaned back and closed his eyes, “You should sleep too.”

“I can’t.”

“You can sleep on my shoulder if you want.”

Kei was thankful his friend couldn’t see his face, “Shut up.”

“Okay, Tsukki.”

Tadashi fell silent. Kei listened to the steady rumble of the bus and the snores of his teammates. The orange sunset cast shadows against his best friend’s face. His hair stirred with the soft breeze that pushed through the open windows. His heart pounding, Kei’s eyes traced the sharp angles of his chin up into the graceful hills of his cheeks. His lips bent upwards and for a moment-

“What are you thinking about?”

Kei sucked in a breath and tried to cover it with a cough. His mind jumped into overdrive and floundered for some excuse. His next words were tossed out in a rush, “Kenma asked me to name him.”

Tadashi cracked his eyes open, “Oh. He can name people too right?”

“Yeah.”

The other boy bit his lip and looked around as if he was searching for the right words to say, “Are… Are you going to do it?”

He didn’t respond.

Tadashi continued, “You usually don’t name people if they asked, but I’m not surprised that you’re considering it this time.”

Kei waited to see if he’d elaborate but he didn’t, “What do you mean?”

“Uh…” Tadashi fidgeted, “It’s just that of all people, you’d probably understand where he’s coming from the most, you know?”

His friend repeating what the Nekoma setter had already said was not lost on him, “You’re usually against people asking me to name them.”

“That’s because they’re usually asking just to know. In this case I think Kenma is asking you for help.” 

Kei mulled. He looked past Tadashi and out the bus window. They were driving along a river that cut through the hills. Trees holding the very last of their leaves bent over to dip their branches into the running water and the overgrown underbrush basked upon peeking riverstones. 

“Do you think I should do it?”

“Yeah, but only if you want to.”

He flexed his fingers and was stunned to realize he’d been holding Tadashi’s hand the entire time. He moved to pull away but his friend held fast. Kei watched the slim fingers hook through his and pull them together. He was certain his heart had never beat so hard and he was sure everyone on the bus could hear it.

“It’s okay,” his best friend whispered.

Kei couldn’t find the courage to move or look at him. 

They were holding hands. 

He was holding Tadashi’s hand. 

“Tsukki?”

Kei cleared his throat to try to find his voice again, “Hmm?”

Hesitation was in the shy pressure of his hand in his, “This is okay right?”

At first, he wasn’t so sure. What did this mean? Did Tadashi know his feelings all along? He thought back to all the times they spoke together inside and outside of school and practice and he couldn’t pinpoint any moment when Tadashi acted any different towards him. 

They had always had a weird friendship, maybe Tadashi just needed comfort and knowing that Kei wasn’t good at words he thought holding hands would be best. 

Kei wasn’t going to complain even if every second of it happening plucked away another second of his life. A timer to his mortality.

“Yeah,” he swallowed, “It’s okay.”

+++

On Monday they did not talk about what happened on the bus, which Kei was happy with. Like usual, they ate lunch together and traded homework answers with Hitoka during homeroom. 

Everything was fine.

Before practice, he went against his better judgement and approached Shouyou, “Hey.”

The shrimp jumped a mile in the air, “What? Want to fight?!”

Kei suppressed a sigh, “Tell Kenma to send me all his favorite songs.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?”

He perked up, “Are you going to name him?”

Kei decided he didn’t need to enable his stupidity and spun away on his heel.

Unfortunately Shouyou never knew when to quit. He caught up to Kei easily and matched his stride, “Is it okay if I give him your number?”

“Fine.”

“Kenma responds really fast when you message him so you’ll probably get his music tonight.”

“Good to know.”

They stopped just inside the gym. The rest of their team were already stretching before their pre-practice run. The shrimp grabbed his arm. Kei rounded on him, “What?”

Shouyou held his ground, “Tobio and I want to do extra training with the first-years this Sunday.”

“So?”

“You have to be there.”

“No I don’t,” Kei scoffed, “Despite what you may think, I have more important things to focus on than volleyball. Like grades. You know what grades are don’t you?”

“Don’t be an jerk,” he scowled but he recovered quick. Kei did not like the new spark in his eyes, “Tadashi’s coming.”

Kei took a moment too long to respond and the shrimp was looking smug, “Why would I care if Tadashi will be there or not?”

“Poor poor Tsukki,” he almost patted his shoulder but thought better of it at the last second, “I’ll see you Sunday at 8. Thanks!” He then dodged around Kei and scurried towards Tobio who was watching the idiots numbered one and two bicker over the starting line. 

Tadashi appeared at his shoulder, “What was that about?”

“Nothing,” he bit out before he could stop himself. 

His friend blinked up at him, unconvinced, but he let it slide. Chikara called the team to line up and Kei positioned them both securely in front of the first-years. He pushed one of his earphones into his ears and left the other side open. They ran a circuit through the usual route around the campus boundaries and into the neighborhood roads. 

Halfway through their second lap Kei was stepping to the rhythm of a song he would be caught dead listening to-

[ _It's time to feel the rush,_  
_To push the dangerous,_  
_I'm gonna run right to,_  
_To the edge with you,_  
_Where we can both fall far in love…_ ]

-when Tadashi spoke again. He was sucking in air like the rest of them, but Kei could tell his friend wanted to pick up the pace, “I almost forgot. Yamano wanted me to ask you if you could practice with him again sometime.”

If Kei could breathe he would’ve said something clever. He settled with, “No.”

“He looks up to you, you know,” they rounded primary schoolers and Tadashi’s rhythm stuttered.

Kei had to push to catch up after nearly running into another kid who stumbled into his way. Behind him he could hear Hayashi, idiot number 2, apologizing to another stranger, “I didn’t ask him to.”

Tadashi checked over his shoulder before leading them around the next corner. The other two second-years were in the front of the pack as usual while the upperclassmen were only a few meters ahead. He continued, “Still… aren’t you proud of him? He improved a lot.”

Kei wouldn’t lie and pretend he hadn’t noticed. Of course Yamano improved, “I doubt that had anything to do with me.”

“Oh Tsukki…” Tadashi sighed, doubly breathless, in that voice again. The one that haunted his dreams and kept Kei up at night. Thankfully his friend dropped the issue and they ran together with a comfortable silence between them the rest of the way.

They practiced formations that day. Coach Ukai had brought a few videos of teams overseas and he wanted them to invent unique strategies based off new inspiration. Everyone took to the concept eagerly as Kei expected. 

He ended up stuck with the oddball duo and the first years who wanted to try some kind of serve and spike combo. An hour later they hadn’t made any progress and Kei stared wistfully into the other court wishing he were practicing with Tadashi instead. He was starting a new type of high-arching serve they witnessed in nationals last year and Kei would rather receive than deal with the mess he’d been strong-armed into.

“He’s making a lot of progress,” Tobio observed next to him before taking a long gulp from his water bottle. The shrimp had needed to go to the bathroom and their setter had been getting frustrated enough for Chikara to notice and force them to take a break.

Kei tore his eyes away from another fluid jump that turned into a miss, to pretend to adjust his knee pads. He didn’t grace his highness with a response. 

“He practiced less when you guys were fighting. It was worrying.”

Kei straightened, “Apologies, _King_. I’ll be sure to keep our arguing to a minimum in the future.”

Tobio never seemed fazed by his true name anymore and a part of Kei lamented at the fact, “Tadashi wears his heart on his sleeve, but you’ve been painfully obvious lately. When are you going to confess?”

“Excuse me?”

“Confe-You should confess already,” the setter adjusted his words, mindful that his name had been said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kei took off his glasses and cleaned them to keep his hands busy. They were shaking.

Tobio huffed, “Whatever. Are you coming this Sunday or not?”

“I guess you’ll have to wait and see won’t you?”

The other boy threw his hands in the air and stomped away, just as Kei wanted him to. 

Finally some peace.

They resumed their practice when Shouyou returned, but no one’s heart was in it and by the end of the last half hour they’d made negative progress. Chikara called for them to clean up the courts. Kei was untying the net with Ryuu when Yamano finally approached him. The boy shifted his weight and he was staring at his feet as if they were the last thing holding him on a high-wire.

“M-Mr. Tsukishima?”

Kei ignored Ryuu’s snickers, “Yes?”

“Can I talk to you?” he bit his lip.

“Alright,” Kei tried to keep his voice even. 

Yamano looked at their ace then back at Kei in earnest, “In private please.”

Taken aback, Kei glanced at Ryuu who waved him away. He followed the younger boy to an empty corner of the court and Kei couldn’t help be reminded of a few weeks ago when Chikara had spoken to him in the same spot. He waited for Yamano to speak first with the patience built from many years of being Tadashi’s friend. 

He wasn’t staring at his feet anymore but he still wasn’t quite meeting his eyes either, “I wanted to ask you something…”

“If it’s about practice, I’ll help you when we have time on Sunday,” Kei spoke to spare him.

“Huh? Ah…” he blushed, “Thank you, but that’s not what I wanted to ask…”

Kei couldn’t think of anything else the other boy would want; unless… his mood grew darker, “Did you want to know your name?”

“N-No!” Yamano shook his head, eyes wide. Kei could tell he was telling the truth, “That’s not it at all!”

“Then what?” Kei tried not to sound as weary as he felt. He was getting sick of people asking him for favors.

“It’s… I mean… I wanted to ask you for advice… about something…” the kid pulled back into himself again. His was rubbing the back of his neck in smooth motions and his blush had yet to disappear.

Kei waited longer even though the last reserves of his patience were on its last pint.

“You’re kind of one of the first people I’m telling about this other than my family so you can’t tell anyone else okay?”

Now Kei was alarmed.

“Uhmm…” he didn’t wait for a reply, “Okay here goes. I think I’m a name- I think I can give names. Like you.”

That was not what Kei was expecting, “What?”

“It’s weird right?” Yamano rushed on, “I mean, people who can give names aren’t weird, but it’s weird that I only found out I can name people recently, right? Don’t you usually find out when you’re a kid?”

“I don’t know,” Kei could only be honest.

The boy ran his fingers through his short hair, weight shifting and giving no indication he heard anything Kei had said, “My mom is freaking out and we don’t know what to do or who to go to. There’s nothing… What will people think of me now? How do I even tell anyone?”

Kei admitted to himself that he felt sorry for the younger boy. He had more or less accepted his status as a namer a long time ago, but he knew the exact feelings that the boy was experiencing. 

If what Yamano was saying was true, he was in for a difficult life.

“What did you want to ask me?” Kei’s words were measured.

Yamano bit his lip and retreated back into himself again. When he spoke he sounded close to tears, “I don’t know what to do Mr. Tsukishima,” he wiped his nose with the back of his hand, “I understand if you decide not to but, you’re the only one I knew who can help me...”

Kei listened.

“I don’t even know who I am now.”

Something familiar tugged at his heart. Kei could recall every moment he’d asked himself the same thing, and they numbered higher than his fingers could count. He stepped forward and gently gripped the boy’s shoulder, surprising even himself, “Okay.”

Yamano tried to cover his face before Kei could see it crumple. He was nodding, unable to say anymore. Kei waited for him to get ahold of himself before saying anything else, “You’ll be fine.”

Yamano nodded. He was still quiet but he did smile a little.

Kei retracted his hand, “I’ll have my mom call your mom and I’ll help you tell the captain when you’re ready.”

“Thanks, Mr. Tsukishima,” he finally spoke, his smile widening, “Tadashi was right.”

Suspicion rose at his friend’s name, “Tadashi knows?”

He nodded and looked at his feet again, his face reddening, “I uh… I thought he’d be easier and I was hoping he’d help me talk to you and uhm… sorry…”

Kei sighed, feeling a little put-out but he could see where Yamano was coming from. He wouldn’t want to ask himself for advice either. Didn’t mean Tadashi didn’t have some explaining to do though, “It’s alright,” he considered the boy again feeling just a little curious, “How did you find out?”

“Oh!” Yamano jumped. His smile was easy through his tear-stained face, “My older cousin heard that I was a good drawer and didn’t believe me. I drew her portrait to prove her wrong and when I finished I knew what her name was. _She Shines_. It was just there floating in my brain over and over every time I looked at her picture. Is that how it is for you?”

“Yeah…” Kei tried not to feel bitter by the fact that Yamano’s naming method was easy to circumnavigate compared to his, “She’s in my class. I named her a few weeks ago by accident.”

“She’s annoying. Don’t tell her about her name or it’ll inflate her ego,” the younger boy was chuckling.

Kei had to break his bubble, “Now that you know you can name people you have to tell her that you know her name. It’s the law.”

“Oh, yeah,” he sobered, “But I don’t have to tell her now right? Can I wait?”

Kei shrugged.

“Okay,” he then took a deep breath which he let out in a rush of air. He bounced in place a few times and slapped his cheeks, “Okay, I’m okay.”

Why did Kei always end up surrounded by people who were idiots, “Great. Let’s go back. I bet the team has been wondering why we’ve been taking so long.”

Yamano laughed again and headed towards the locker room. The gym was empty and as clean as it was that morning, “Maybe they think I was confessing to you or something.”

Kei looked at him sharp, but speechless.

He raised his hands in defense, “Sorry! That was a joke. Besides, why would anyone try when you have a huge crush on Tadashi?”

“Not you too,” Kei growled. If the shrimp or Tobio had anything to do with this he’d kill them.

“The whole team knows,” Yamano insisted in a hurry, “... and Hiro saw you guys hold hands on the bus…”

“All of you need to mind your own business.”

“Sorry, Mr. Tsukishima,” the younger boy was trying to placate him, “I didn’t mean to touch a nerve.”

Kei grit his teeth, but he reeled in his irritation the best he could, “Are we done?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Good. See you tomorrow,” and he stomped away ignoring the other boy’s bright response.

“See you tomorrow!”

+++

On Saturday night, Kei was listening to the songs Kenma had sent him when he got a group message from the shrimp. Shouyou’s little sister had gotten sick and he needed to stay home with her all Sunday. No one wanted to practice without the spearhead of their operation so their special session was killed before it could even be born. 

Kei wasn’t at all disappointed seeing as he’d done little homework all Saturday. He was looking forward to a now-peaceful Sunday. 

[ _I've been around the world and never in my wildest dreams,_  
_Would I come running home to you._  
_I've told a million lies but now I tell a single truth,_  
_There's you in everything I do._

_Now remember when I told you that's the last you'll see of me,_  
_Remember when I broke you down to tears…_ ]

Kenma’s music tastes ranged between moody alternative and sweeping video game soundtracks. Like Shouyou said he would, the Nekoma setter had been quick to send him a short list of songs and Kei had been sorting them into a particular order ranging from what he thought was most to least likely to connect to Kenma. He’d also inputted a few of his own tracks though he was sure he didn’t know him enough to be certain of any song.

People were always easy to read for Kei. He wasn’t sure if he was born with the perception or if it was because he was a namer.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing at his elbow. He checked the caller ID before answering, his heart in his throat and his hands unsure, “Hello?”

“Tsukki! Did you get the message?” his friend’s voice was winded and far away. Something swooshed behind him.

“Yeah.”

“Kind of disappointing huh?” The vague sweeping noises and distance cleared. People said things that were unintelligible between sharp beeps, “We need the practice.”

Kei didn’t respond.

Tadashi continued talking as if he didn’t expect him to, “Anyways let’s hang out tomorrow!”

“And do what?” Kei could slap himself. What did it matter?

His friend didn’t miss a beat, “We can go to the mall? Like the bookstore and the music store and stuff.”

The mall. Sounded innocent enough, “Okay.”

“Great- Oh, sorry- Not you, Tsukki- I mean-”

Kei’s curiosity got the best of him, “Where are you?”

“At the convenience store. Why?”

He checked the time. He could guess which convenience store his friend must be at. The one they both favored because it was smack in the middle of their homes, “What are you doing at a convenience store at 9 P.M.?”

“I was finishing my jog.”

“This late?” he asked before he could stop himself.

“I’ve been doing this since last year!” Kei could hear the laughter in his voice, “Did you really not know?”

No, he didn’t and now he was wondering what else Tadashi had been up to without telling him, “Be careful.”

“I will I promise,” the vow was punctuated by another beep, “So tomorrow? Is ten okay?”

“That’s fine.”

“Awesome,” the beep got louder. A woman’s voice was on the other end, “I gotta go. I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night, Tsukki!”

“Good night.”

Kei hung up before his friend. He could barely hear his own thoughts.

What was wrong with him? It’s not as if this was the first time Kei was going to the mall with Tadashi, though this was to be their first time since their fight about a month ago. 

He closed out of this documents and unplugged his phone before he shut down his computer. His bedroom was pitched into darkness; his only source of light was the lava lamp next to his window and the painted glow-in-the-dark forest-scape on the back of his closed door. He checked that it was locked before dropping his glasses on the bedside counter and crawling beneath his covers. 

The night was still too early for him to be going to bed but he couldn’t focus on homework or Kenma anymore and he needed to think. He plugged his earbuds into his ears and shuffled through his music and let whatever it landed on to be the background to his musings.

Kei was no fool. He’d admitted to himself that he had feelings for his best friend a long time ago, and he’d come to terms with never possibly having a relationship with him. In the span of a year he’d watched Tadashi grow so fast, Kei knew he couldn’t hope to keep up with him. Every day he pretended that nothing had changed between them when beneath it all, it has become painfully obvious to Kei that he’s been the one clinging to his best friend, not the other way around. His dependency was embarrassing, but he didn’t know any other way to exist. Tadashi had always been there. Letting go would be changing everything. 

Besides he didn’t want to change. They were fine just the way they were...

Is what he told himself anyways. According to his entire team he was kidding himself. 

He closed his eyes.

[ _Baby put your arms around me,_  
_Tell me I'm a problem,_  
_Know I'm not the girl you thought you knew and that you wanted,_  
_Underneath the pretty face is something complicated…_ ]

Tadashi’s hands were the first thing he imagined. He remembered them clearly. They were warm and long and nimble and were smaller than Kei’s, though he supposed most people’s hands were smaller than his. They had fit awkwardly yet perfectly together. Tadashi’s sun-kissed skin contrasted slightly against his own paleness. 

Something stirred in his stomach.

[ _Cause you're no angel either baby…_

_No I'm not an angel either,_  
_But at least I'm trying._  
_I know I drive you crazy,_  
_But would you rather that I be a,_  
_Machine who doesn't notice when you late or when you're lying?_  
_I love you even more than who I thought you were before-_ ]

Rough calluses were nicked into the other boy’s fingers and his nails were too short and Kei imagined if they rubbed anywhere else they’d carve lines into his smooth skin. Down his arms… across his back… up his thighs… 

[ _Cause you're no angel either, baby…_ ]

The room was too hot. His eyes still closed, he ran his hands up his own body where he’d picture… someone else would touch him. 

Then he imagined the freckles. They were targets for his lips to press and his fingertips to trace. He’d find all of them and breathe into them every word of reverence the other boy deserved. Every word. 

[ _Tell me do you want a ride…_ ]

He imagined wrapping his own hands into long strands of brown hair and wrapping them around his fingers and pulling until the other boy was gasping and Kei was tasting salt against a fluttering pulse. Long fingers burrowed cruel scarlet crevices into his back - 

[ _Tell me do you want a ride…_ ] 

His hand rested over the bulge in his underwear. He didn’t even allow himself to think and pressed and pressed -

[ _Ride around, ride around, ride around,_  
_Will you ride around with that H-town?_  
_Put those candles in your bed, no need for a spell,_  
_Stop acting so scared, just do what I tell…_ ]

He gasped, feeling the coil of release low in his gut. He was close. 

He gave in and reached beneath the soft cotton of his pyjamas and touched sticky skin. It was painful and too rough but Kei didn’t want to think about it. His hand worked him higher and higher and then he was on edge, back arching, gasping and barely keeping himself together and -

“ _Tsukki_ …”

His name: breathless and just everything, nudged Kei right over the cliff. He came hard, keening through clenched teeth. His other hand grasped for something to hold on to, to keep him sane, while his brain floated away to look for more words to pray with. 

He collapsed onto his sheets a sweating mess. The inside of his underwear was gross and he knew he’ll hate himself the next morning if he didn’t get up to change them. His earbuds had slipped from his ears and he could barely hear the next song begin. 

It was a testament to how often Kei put himself through this embarrassment when he spared only a moment to feel ashamed of himself. He shouldn’t be masturbating to his best friend. It was wrong on so many levels, especially since Tadashi probably didn’t return the sentiment. 

Kei allowed himself a few more moments to catch his breath before shucking off his underwear and the rest of his pyjamas. He put aside his earbuds and turned off the music in his phone while checking that his alarm was set. 

He fell asleep thinking about a smile that was too sweet and eyes that always saw the best in him… 

+++

The next morning, Kei met up with his best friend at their usual spot at a bus stop closest to the other boy’s home. He’d got there ten minutes too early, too wound-up and unfocused to dally at home. 

Kei recognized Tadashi in his snapback. He was already sitting on the bench wearing torn jeans and an olive tank that looked too big for him. It was colder than usual that day, but Tadashi did always have his own internal furnace. He glanced up from his phone and waved, looking too excited for a usual trip to the mall, “Tsukki!”

Kei adjusted his glasses to cover his urge to wave back. He waited until he was next to his friend before responding, “Hey.”

“Good morning!” he shuffled over on the bench.

Kei took the spot beside him, “G’morning.”

“You look warm.”

Kei peered down at himself. He was wearing a his tan sweater, dark jeans and sunscreen his mom forced on him on his way out the door, “I guess.”

“Are those new shoes?”

Kei fidgeted, something in his stomach fluttered, “Yeah.”

Tadashi smiled, “They’re nice.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. The bus arrived a few minutes later, on time for once, and they sat beside each other in a comfortable silence sharing Kei’s music. 

They hit their usual spots at the mall. Tadashi wanted to go to the bookstore first to claim a novel he’d reserved, then they headed to the secondhand shop and perused until they both got tired of reading the manga. Tadashi kept the conversation light, talking about school and the new sweet shop he was obsessed with. 

They were on their way to the music store when he finally brought up a serious question, “So have you been listening to music for Kenma?”

Kei nodded, “Mostly.”

“Any progress?”

“Not really,” he shifted the strap of his bag higher across his chest, “Kenma likes a lot of music I usually don’t listen to, and I don’t really know him that well.”

“Didn’t stop you before,” Tadashi took the bite out of his statement with a playful grin.

Kei smirked in response, “I guess I’m out of practice.”

His friend giggled, Kei couldn’t stop smiling, “What if it’s some obscure game soundtrack no one’s ever heard of?”

“That’s about two-thirds of the music he sent me.”

“No way!” Tadashi was shaking his head, “Do you have a list? Can I see it?”

Kei went for his phone in his pocket but hesitated. The other boy noticed the movement and sobered, looking apologetic, “Only if it’s okay. I’m not going to make fun of him, I promise.”

Of course he wouldn’t. But Kei just couldn’t help feeling a little guilty. Even if it was just Tadashi, “Maybe later.”

His friend nodded and dropped the topic, “Speaking of naming, I saw that you talked to Yamano on Monday.”

Kei sighed.

“It looked like it went well,” Tadashi was smiling again, though it was a lot less playful.

“Sure.”

“What did you tell him?”

Kei glared at him from the corner of his eye and ignored the question, “You could have warned me you know.”

“Sorry, Tsukki, but you know how it goes,” he shrugged, “he trusted me to keep it a secret.”

“Hmm.”

“So what’d you say?” he asked again and nudged him in the shoulder.

“Not much,” Kei folded easily, “I just told him I’ll talk to my mom. Then she called his mom. And now I have to help him register.”

“You’re a good senpai.”

He made a face, “I can’t be there for him all the time. He’ll have to figure it out for himself eventually…”

He trailed off, a display in front of a clothing store caught his attention. He changed direction and his friend stumbled after. They stopped and Kei could tell Tadashi was wondering what they were doing in front of a table of accessories.

He cleared his throat, “I owe you a hair tie.”

“Oh,” Tadashi fidgeted, suddenly shy, “You don’t have to…”

Kei was not up for this. Heat was already creeping up his neck and he could feel sweat beading on his forehead. His hands were all clammy, “Just choose one. I know your hair has been bothering you.”

His friend nodded. Kei pretended not to watch too closely while he picked through the rubber bands and eventually settled on one with bronze stars as charms strung along one side of it. Kei paid and they left quickly, not once looking at each other throughout the entire transaction. 

Tadashi clutched at the bag, his knuckles white, “Thanks, Tsukki.”

“Mmm.”

“There’s a problem though.”

Kei stuffed his hands into his pockets and gripped his phone, hoping his tension didn’t show, “What?”

After a moment the other boy looked at him, his expression serious, “I don’t know how to tie my hair up.”

“... Oh.”

Tadashi broke then, his entire face lit up with laughter and everything was okay again, “I’ll look up videos online when I get home.”

Kei returned his smile.

They arrived at the music store and went straight for the new releases rack in the English section. Kei unplugged the headphones at on the sample CD player and inserted his earphones so he and Tadashi could listen together. The first was “Chandelier” which Kei had been forced to listen to via the radio and his brother’s new obsession with Sia. He was glad when Tadashi skipped it. Next was “I’m Not The Only One” and Kei had to skip that one because he didn’t need his friend and crush know he tears up over breakup music videos for no reason. They listened to “Blank Spaces” though he didn’t have much of an opinion about Taylor Swift.

The next song started. Tadashi’s voice was quiet but his eyes were alight, “Oh wait, I like this one.”

[ _She got a body like an hourglass,_  
_But I can give it to you all the time._  
_She got a booty like a Cadillac,_  
_But I can send you into overdrive._

_(You've been waiting for that)_  
_(Step, hold up, swing your bat)_ ]

Tadashi sang along to the next part, his voice still soft and his body swinging, his smile easy.

[ _Bang bang into the room,_  
_(I know ya want it)_  
_Bang bang all over you,_  
_(I'll let ya have it)-_ ]

Kei watched, wide-eyed and too smitten to want to do anything else. He wondered if the other boy knew what he was singing.

[ _Wait a minute lemme take you there,_ ]  
_Wait a minute till ya-_ ]

Tadashi turned to him, laughing and pointing finger guns at his chest. Kei’s breath caught in his throat- 

[ _Bang bang there goes your heart,_  
_(I know ya want it)_  
_Bang, bang, seat of my car,_  
_(I'll let ya have it)_  
_Wait a minute lemme take you there,_  
_Wait a minute till ya…_ ]

He was so screwed.

Later that night while he was laboring over his geography homework and drowning everything of what happened that day with 8-bit soundtracks, he got a text message.

He opened it without thinking and had to stop short. Tadashi had sent him a picture of him smiling broadly into the camera with his hair up. The caption with it read: “How do I look?”

Kei slammed his head onto his desk.

It took him until he was finished with his homework and staring, sleepless, at his blank ceiling hours later, before he managed the courage to reply.

“Cute.”

+++

“I’m glad you finally got him a hair tie,” Hitoka’s voice broke through Kei’s concentration. He was sweating and hurting like hell, but he needed to figure out how to block out Fukurodani in their next practice match. Even though Koutarou had graduated, the champion team’s firepower hadn’t at all diminished.

He gulped down a few more pulls from his water bottle before answering her, “What?”

“I saw he was having trouble with his hair awhile ago and I offered to give him one of m-mine,” Hitoka gulped and took his water from him with shaking hands. The rest of her words were a rush, “But he said you’d get him one so I’m glad you did. I think he’s really happy!”

Kei frowned, “Why would he be happy? It’s just a hair tie.”

“Uhm! No reason!” Then she scurried away. 

Her absurd behavior was the last thing Kei wanted to be worried about. They had been invited to the Tokyo summer training for a second time and none of them had forgotten the brutal penalties they suffered through the first summer. Kei would be damned if he had to do any more of those hill sprints. He almost felt bad for the first years.

Almost.

They managed to win their next game against Fukurodani, but only barely. Hayashi, their spare libero, had made some spectacular saves.

On the other hand, Kenma’s Nekoma showed no mercy and he once again found himself running behind Tadashi. His friend’s hair swayed when he ran and Kei could see beads of sweat tracking down the back of his neck… 

By the end of the day, Kei was exhausted and he wanted nothing more than to curl in a ball and sleep until graduation. 

“Kei!” Shouyou poked him in the side.

“Go away.”

“But you said you’d meet with Kenma.”

Kei did say that, but he had been hoping he’d forget, “I told Tadashi I’d wait for him to get back.”

“I’ll tell him where you went!” Yamano piped from near the doorway. He and the other first years were playing with the cards that Noya had smuggled in. Kei hoped Chikara will give them extra penalties tomorrow.

He sighed and crawled out of his futon to follow Shouyou out of the room. He made sure to grab his phone and his charger before leaving. 

Kenma was lounging on his futon in a semi-empty room. His team’s blankets were scattered around the floor and all but a couple of seniors were missing. The setter put down his game and noticed Kei’s pointed glance around the room, “Initiation. Don’t ask.”

Shouyou looked like he wanted to do just that but he stayed quiet. He sat cross-legged next his friend, buzzing and impatient.

“Are you going to be here the whole time?” Kei snapped, already annoyed.

“Shou promised to be quiet,” Kenma smiled, not quite at Kei, but over his shoulder like he tended to do. 

Kei huffed, but he knew if Kenma wanted the shrimp to be around, he couldn’t do anything about it. He sat across from him and pulled out his phone, ignoring the small audience, and opened the playlist he’d built, “I wasn’t very familiar with many of your songs,” he started, not sure why he was speaking with a hushed tone, “But I’ve listened to them all and I’ve researched some of them before I put them in an order that I think would most likely connect to you.”

Kenma nodded and waited patiently. Shouyou looked like he had a million-and-one questions.

Kei put the phone down between them and was about to press the play button but he hesitated, looking around at the other people on the other side of the room, “Are you sure its okay if they hear…?”

The older boy waved him off, “I don’t mind.”

He nodded and went ahead with the first song. 

It was an Imagine Dragons track. Knowing Tetsurou had been named within a similar music genre, Kei had a hunch. The other boy didn’t react to the pick and didn’t seem excited or disappointed when Kei skipped it after the first few seconds. 

The next was a song he had to do some research on. It was an 8-bit from from a game called Mother3 and it was a theme for a unique character called Duster. Kei was intrigued enough with it to place it at second, but after another few moments he knew it was another wrong choice.

Shouyou’s face was wrinkled and screwed in an unnatural way and Kei could tell every molecule in his body wanted to say something. Kenma waited for the next song.

It was another whimsical 8-bit but from a Zelda game. When Kei listened to it the first time he imagined laying in a field of flowers on a sunny day. Purple petals swayed with the wind, the subtle smell of lavender in the air. He could picture the setter being happy there.

Another incorrect choice. 

He worked his way down the list, each song becoming more unusual and ill-fitting than the last. The other two Nekoma players in the room had joined their little circle and were watching with unconcealed interest. 

Shouyou lasted a total of ten songs, which Kei had to admit was respectable for him, “None of these sound like Kenma.”

“No one asked you,” Kei played the next track, a Final Fantasy one. The movie that went with it was beautiful, but he had to admit it didn’t fit the setter at all.

“He’s right though,” groused the the mohawk Nekoma player who was known for announcing his name preference before every match, “Kenma is like… like…”

Their captain, Shouhei, cocked his head to the side, “Chill.”

“Yeah! But not really.”

“Not really.”

Now that he’d broken the seal, Shouyou saw no reason to bottle himself up again, “It needs to be more… doki doki… and all good-feely…”

“But not entirely,” Tora crossed his arms, “It also has to be weird.”

“Because he’s a weirdo.”

Kenma deadpanned, “Thanks guys.”

“This is what he sent me,” Kei knew he was being defensive.

The mohawk Nekoma player spoke again, “Maybe you should-”

Kenma elbowed his teammate in the side before he could finish, “It’s okay if we can’t figure this out tonight. I didn’t expect to.”

Kei didn’t either, but that didn’t stop him from feeling disappointed.

The setter continued, “I’ll think of more songs tonight.”

“I’ll help!” Shouyou bounced.

“No way, shrimpy. It’s almost lights-out,” Tora chuckled.

“Kenma, sneak me in.”

Kei could feel he was losing control of the situation very quickly. He swiped his phone and stood, “I’m going to bed.”

“Alright,” Kenma nodded and stood too, “I’ll walk you back.”

“You don’t have to.”

He was ignored and was forced to follow after the Nekoma setter and Shouyou down the darkened halls. The shrimp was humming and then he was giggling. 

“Kenma,” he gasped, “What if your name has something to do with a Pokemon sound?”

“Please no.”

Kei really hoped not as well. He was not about to sit through hundreds of Pokemon screams. 

Shouyou continued, “Why don’t you ask Tetsurou for help? He’ll probably think of some songs for you.”

“Yeah, and then he’ll want to talk about how I was feeling and then he would be asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this.”

“Are you guys fighting?”

The setter frowned, “No.”

“You don’t think he wants you to get named?” the shrimp asked, oblivious.

The setter didn’t respond.

Kei remembered the night, much like the night they were having, exactly a year ago.

“ **Hey, you don’t happen to take naming requests do you?** ”

He shouldn’t care.

He really shouldn’t.

“You should ask him,” he got the attention of the other two. They waited for him to say more, “Maybe he’ll give some good insight… He’s your best friend isn’t he?”

Kenma nodded.

“Then do it,” Kei tried to shrug off his own words.

The Karasuno room was quieter than he expected and was dead-silent when Shouyou slid the door open and everyone in the room cut off their conversations. The shrimp didn’t seem to notice, “Good night, Kenma!”

The setter waved and headed back.

Tension was heavy and Kei was almost afraid to step in the room. The upperclassmen were staring between him and Tadashi and their underclassmen were pretending to mind their own business. Kei looked for his best friend and found him in the middle of a circle of the majority of their teammates, not meeting his eyes.

Shouyou paused, finally noticing the awkward atmosphere, “What’s up?”

No one responded. Their upperclassmen were starting to look uncomfortable. Where was Chikara when Kei needed him? 

Kei huffed and meandered towards his futon, trying not to feel uneasy, “I’m too tired for this.”

He felt eyes on his back. Whispers rose from the circle surrounding Tadashi and Kei’s paranoia skyrocketed. He busied his hands with his phone and plugged it into the wall before pushing his earphones into his ears and picking a random song to blast. It was a hopping piano ensemble piece.

Something landed on his shoulder and he jumped, tearing an earbud from his ear before rounding on whoever found the courage to speak up.

Of course it was Tadashi. He still wasn’t meeting his eyes but his voice was steady. From behind him, their teammates were climbing into their own futons and acting like they weren’t listening in, “Can we talk?” 

Butterflies mounted on the inside lining of his stomach. Kei didn’t know why we was afraid, “Sure.”

Again Kei was forced to leave his futon and out the room. Tadashi closed the sliding door behind them, leaving them in the dim darkness. They moved away into the neighboring hallway that expanded down towards the front entrance of the building. Kei’s sweating feet stuck to the warm hardwood. It creaked, reminding Kei of the simpler days running up and down the halls of his home playing hide-and-seek.

Tadashi stopped in front of an unremarkable locked door. He was looking down at his wringing fingers, his hair falling into his face. 

“I wanted to ask you something.”

Kei waited.

“You know… You know how we had that fight?”

How could Kei forget.

He continued, “And then we apologized to each other, and then you tried to say my name?”

“I did say your name,” Kei’s mouth moved before he could stop it.

Tadashi still wasn’t looking at him, “I didn’t feel anything. I don’t think it worked.”

Kei understood what his friend was trying to imply, “I said your name,” he insisted, “I know what it feels like not to want to say a name and wanting to say a name.”

“But my name is the first one you don’t like,” Tadashi was quick to respond, “Maybe subconsciously you still didn’t want to say it, so when you did, it didn’t work.”

Annoyance flared, but he reigned it in, “I don’t think that’s how it works-”

“How would you know?” the other boy swayed onto the balls of his feet, his hands were clutching at the bottom hem of his own shirt, “You always say that we still don’t understand everything about true names and naming people! Maybe this is one of those mysteries…”

Usually Kei would agree with him, but he knew that what he felt at that time was genuine and he couldn’t live with his friend thinking something that wasn’t true about him, “ _Pathetic_ ,” he paused and watched the other boy brace himself, and then slump forward.

“Tsukki…”

“I’m saying it, Tadashi,” he stepped closer, nearly trapping the pinch-server against the wall, “ _Pathetic_. I don’t care anymore. You wanted me to say your name, so I am. _Pathetic_.”

He was shaking his head, “It’s still not working-”

“I’m trying!” Kei grabbed his shoulders, “ _Pathetic, Pathetic, Pathetic_.”

He was breathing hard, his mind too loud to hear itself think. Tadashi’s face was close and Kei could count the sandstorms in his eyes. He heard the door behind his friend rumble when his back pressed against it. His body was searing hot beneath Kei’s cold hands even as they relaxed and trailed down from his shoulders and around his elbows… 

“Tsukki,” his name, whispered from the voice that echoed his every heartbeat, pulled the rope around his soul just a little tighter.

He swallowed, “Yeah?”

“Do you like me?”

Oh. Should he lie? “I think so.”

“Oh,” his smile reached his eyes and turned the sandstorms into hourglasses, “I think I like you too. Actually… I think I love you.”

For the first time in his life, Kei thought his ears failed him.

“But I don’t know what to do,” he continued. He let Kei’s hands slide down his arms and took them into his own. He held them tight, “Why do I feel so conflicted?”

“Is it because I can’t say your name?” his own words felt like knives.

Tadashi shrugged.

Kei swallowed. He was at a loss, “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” Tadashi was being too kind, “I’m just… confused… I don’t know what to do, Kei.”

His heart felt like it was twisting in on itself, “How can I help?”

“I don’t know,” he said again. 

Kei felt like screaming.

He needed his music.

Tadashi let go, “We should get back. I think it's lights-out soon.”

He nodded, mute and numb all over. Static blanketed the world. Tadashi seemed to notice something was off with him because he spent a few longer moments looking at him before leading back down the hallway.

Later that night with his team snoring and Tadashi quiet at his back, Kei found the song: 

[ _Your voice calling out to me just always turns to sorrow,_  
_In a way, proving that, in a way, I am ugly._  
_But I still need it._  
_For if you cannot touch me,_  
_It's the same as me not existing…_ ]

He sat up and turned, bracing himself for the barrage of a name that connected him to his friend in the first place.

Nothing happened.

+++

His friend wasn’t speaking to him again, but this time it felt different. 

This time Kei knew that Tadashi… loved him.

He loved him? That didn’t sound right. Kei was supposed to be the one who was out in the deep end, not the other way around. 

Yet somehow he had messed even that up.

Sunday’s practice matches went by in a flash. Kei couldn’t remember the games they’d won or lost. He rode back to school with Shouyou and walked home alone.

Monday only existed with the songs he heard but didn’t actually listen to. A part of him wished he didn’t take extra morning lessons so he could mope at home in peace. Hitoka sat with him during lunch to trade homework answers. Afternoon practice was finished before it started.

Only when Yamano approached him at the end did Kei realize Tadashi wasn’t the only one who had been ignoring him. Kei could guess why, considering his team’s unhealthy interest in his and Tadashi’s business, “Mr. Tsukishima?”

“Hmm?” Kei wiped the sweat from his neck with a towel. He’d been busy pretending not to think about how amazing Tadashi looked running ahead of the group that day or the fact that he was still wearing the rubberband Kei had bought him.

Or the fact that he was practicing his serves mere meters away and had not looked at Kei once.

The younger boy spun a volleyball in his hands, his gaze travelling around the gym before they settled with his determined frown, “Are you okay?”

Kei eyed him warily, “What do you mean?”

“Everyone is… uhm I mean… You and Tadashi aren’t talking again.”

“Thanks for the update.” 

“Are you okay?” he asked again.

Kei sighed, the stress of the past weekend finally taking its toll, “Is this all you wanted to talk about, because I’m tired and I want to go home-”

“No wait!” the first-year hugged the volleyball to his chest, “Can you help me?”

“Ask someone else.”

“But you said…” he bit his lip. 

Kei was ready to snap, “What? What did I say?”

“You said you’d help me talk to the captain…” he mumbled, looking down at his feet. 

Kei could feel his anger seep away almost in an instant, though he refused to feel even a little guilty, “Now?”

Yamano nodded.

Kei sighed and looked around the gym. He found Chikara talking to Ukai near the front of the courts. If they were going to announce to the world that Yamano was a namer, Kei figured this would be a good time. 

He lead the younger boy over to them, feeling curious eyes burning into his back, and cleared his throat. He didn’t care if he was interrupting their conversation. This was more important, “Excuse me.”

Both coach and captain looked stunned. Chikara recovered first, “What’s up, Kei?”

He angled himself until Yamano took the hint to step forward and cleared his throat again. The other boy was fidgeting and staring at his feet like they were the most interesting thing in the world. Kei almost felt bad, “Yamano has something important to tell you.”

The younger boy’s head shot up. He stared at him, wide-eyed then back at the floor, “Uhm… I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” Ukai crossed his arms, not at all helping the situation.

“I’m being a bother…”

Chikara turned to Kei, apparently expecting him to explain.

“Yamano had recently found out that he could name people.”

The younger boy nodded.

Ukai gaped, “Are you sure?”

Kei resisted the urge to scowl, “It’s hard to mistake naming a person.”

“No, sorry I mean…” their coach ran his hands over his face, “Isn’t this something you find out when you’re born?”

“I guess I haven’t been good at drawing until now,” Yamano tried a smile.

Neither of them cracked. Chikara shifted his weight, hands on his hips, looking thoughtful, “This sure complicates things.”

“Sorry,” Yamano repeated, wringing the bottom of his shirt and looking at his feet again.

“No, it’s not your fault,” their captain smiled, “I just mean we’ll have to work a little harder convincing people we can win a game. We really do have the weirdest group of people on our team.”

“There’s also the extra paperwork,” Ukai tapped his chin, “but I guess Tsukishima can help you with that.”

If Kei hadn’t already promised to do just that, he would’ve bristled at the assumption.

“So I can still play?” the hope in Yamano’s voice reminded Kei of the complicated days before people realized he could have a normal life if he tried.

“Kei plays,” Chikara stepped forward, reaching up to ruffle the younger boy’s hair, “Don’t worry about it.”

Yamano grinned, already regaining the spring in his heels, “Thanks, captain. Thanks, coach.”

Ukai waved him off, “Just don’t do anything stupid.”

He nodded and they both excused themselves. They headed back towards the locker rooms. The gyms had already been cleaned for the day and no one else were left except for Hitoka who was cleaning the last of the volleyballs. 

Kei suspected things weren’t as simple as the captain and coach made it out to be, but he knew they’d deal with whatever when it came. 

“That was easy,” Yamano laughed.

He suppressed an eyeroll.

“Now we just have to deal with your problem.”

“Stay out of my business,” Kei snapped, and he meant it. He didn’t want to talk about what happened with Tadashi. He still hadn’t fully processed the fact that his feelings were both reciprocated and rejected at once.

The younger boy hummed, “Okay but the next tournament is in a couple weeks-”

Kei lengthened his stride.

He walked home alone again that day.

+++

The next weekend arrived in a rush. Most of his team were definitely ignoring him, or at least pretending he didn’t exist until they needed him to spike a ball. The practice matches against the Tokyo teams were a disaster and they hadn’t won a single game by the end of the first day. 

Shouyou approached him again that night. Unfortunately his two other classmates weren’t a part of the shunning and Kei still had to endure Shouyou’s demands and Tobio’s gruff inquiries for improvement. 

“Did you get the other songs from Kenma?” Shouyou leaned in. Water from his hair dripped onto his futon. 

Kei angled his phone away, “Maybe.”

“Let’s go then! What are we waiting for?”

He purposely took an extra few seconds grabbing his charger from his bag and fixing his bedding before walking with Shouyou to the Nekoma room. Most of Kenma’s team were present this time but didn’t seem phased when the shrimp slammed the door open and announced their arrival. He weaved around the futons to the back where Kenma was lounging with his cell out. 

He put it down when they approached, “Hey.”

Kei nodded as a greeting and plugged his phone into a socket, settling across from the other setter again. Shouyou wriggled into his spot next to him.

The room was noisier than last time, but he didn’t have trouble hearing the first song or the next. They went through the motions, not saying a word to each other. Kenma was placid as usual, but a tension was growing in Kei’s spine and he didn’t know if it was because his task was turning out to be more difficult than he thought or because Shouyou wouldn’t sit still. 

The shrimp spoke up after the eighth song, “Hey Kenma, can I play on your DS?”

“I only have Pokemon,” he said, though he moved towards his bag.

“Which one?”

“Black,” Kenma passed it over, “Don’t save.”

Kei was relieved the shrimp found something to occupy himself. The way Kenma smiled in his direction told him the other boy felt the same. 

The next song wasn’t one Kenma sent him, but from an rpg Tadashi used to play- 

“At it again, I see,” Tora dropped next to Kenma. His hair was still wet from his bath.

Shouhei was not too far behind, “Still not weird enough.”

“Definitely not.”

Kei ignored them and went to the next song.

“That’s from Monster Hunter!” Somehow Lev could hear Kei’s phone from the opposite side of the room and effectively brought attention to Kei’s growing and unwanted audience.

Sou hung across Shouyou’s shoulders, “What’s going on?”

“Secret naming stuff,” the shrimp shushed him, “Kei and Kenma need to concentrate.”

“Oh, that’s cool,” Sou dropped his voice but he was still looking at Kei’s phone, “Can I still watch?”

Lev scrambled over and wedged between Shouyou and Kenma, “Me too, me too! What’s happening?”

“Naming stuff.”

“Oooh.”

Shouyou looked at the other namer who hadn’t acknowledged anyone since the third years joined them. 

Kenma angled away from them, “As long as you’re quiet.”

“We promise!”

Kenma twitched and nodded towards Kei, “Keep going.”

Kei wasn’t sure he wanted to with so many people watching him fail at something he was supposed to be good at. 

He went to the next song. 

Tora snorted, “That’s better. Is this from Ocarina of Time?”

“Majora’s Mask,” Shouhei corrected, “And I agree this is much better. That game did have some odd music.”

“Still didn’t work though,” Tora glanced towards him.

Kei grit his teeth and tried to ignore the jibe.

“Kenma said to be quiet,” Lev tried to whisper, looking around at all the people in their strange circle.

“No, he said you had to be quiet. Not us.”

“B-But…”

Shouyou shushed them again.

They survived three more songs.

“Where is this?” Sou leaned into Shouyou’s shoulder and peered at the game in his hands. He attempted to whisper without success, “Is this Driftveil City?

“Yeah,” the shrimp tried speaking softly with similar results, “I’m kind of lost though.”

“Did you beat Team Plasma?” Lev joined.

“I don’t know, this is Kenma’s game,” Shouyou glanced at the setter who didn’t provide any input, “He probably did though.”

“That’s true. He probably already beat the World Tournament.”

“That sounds awesome!”

Kei was getting ready to tell them off.

Sou pushed closer, angling his head to the game and made a face, “You really should hear the music though...”

Before any of them could stop him, Shouyou slid the volume switch upwards. An upbeat swing that reminded Kei of steel rooftops and biking kids on street corners, covered the song that was already playing from his phone. 

He whipped his head around towards the setter just as Lev was wrestling the game from Shouyou to turn the volume back down.

_Wielder_ -

“Wait!” Kei paused his music and glared at the other second-years still trying to claim the game. He knew he was getting worked-up about something he’d always been able to do, but he was too committed at that point, “Play that song again.”

A jazzy downward riff sliced the silence.

_Wielder_

_Wielder_

_Wielder_

“I got it.”

Kenma blinked. He looked at the game then back over Kei’s shoulder, “You got my name?”

“Wow,” Shouhei cackled, “This was quite a turn of events. What is it?”

_Wielder_

Kei ignored his question, “Do you have paper and a pencil?”

The setter shook his head, but his teammates dove for their bags. Tora found them first and passed them over.

“You can turn that off now,” Kei waved to Shoyou who obliged, looking too excited to be bothered about being bossed around. The game was already forgotten.

Kei wrote down the name in clear Japanese and folded it before passing the paper back to Kenma, “There you go.”

“Thank you,” Kenma just held it to his chest, “I’m sorry you went through so much trouble.”

Kei shrugged and made to leave. He was suffocating and he’d rather be in bed sleeping than deal with anymore of the shrimp’s friends. 

“Hang on, don’t go yet.”

Kenma dug into his bag and pulled out an envelope with his given name on the back. His teammates made noises apparently recognizing what it was. Shouyou was vibrating in his seat. 

“Don’t read it unless you want to,” Kenma forced it into his hands.

Kei swallowed, already suspecting, but he asked anyways, “What is this?”

“Your name.”

“I don’t want it,” he said, though he gripped it tighter.

Kenma smiled, “I know. But maybe one day you will.”

Later that night Kei laid in bed next to Tadashi, the chasm between them wider than it ever was. He wanted to tell his friend everything. He wanted to tell him how afraid he was. He wanted him to know that he was actually considering changing his entire life.

Instead he stared at the ceiling in total silence and pretended the envelope shoved into the bottom of his bag meant nothing.

+++

Kei spent lunch with Hitoka again the next week. He wondered where Tadashi spent his free time since he wasn’t spending it with Kei. He imagined he was practicing on his own or studying with Chikara in the library. 

Something unpleasant roiled in his chest and he pushed it away.

Hitoka’s voice snapped him from his reverie, “Has Yamano drawn your portrait yet?”

“No?” last weekend Kei had to help the first-year announce to their teammates about being a namer. They were only a little shocked seeing as they already had one. Kei hadn’t talked to anyone since then, seeing as they were still ignoring him, “Why would he do that?”

“He’s been drawing everyone,” Hitoka dug into her bag and presented her portrait to him. The technique felt hasty, yet somehow it was detailed down to the wrinkle in the sideways quirk of her smile. She read the scrawled words in the corner, blushing, but with a sense of reverence, “She Inspires.”

Kei had never named Hitoka and hearing her name for the first time through someone else wasn’t as jarring as he’d thought it’d be. 

Yamano could name a lot easier than Kei ever could. He couldn’t help think that if he was the one who was asked to name Kenma instead of Kei, Yamano would have finished in a fraction of the time. Kei had never considered putting weight to his ability to name before. Would people prefer being named through the means of a chance song or a quick drawing? 

“He asks first of course,” Hitoka pushed her hair behind her ears, still looking at her picture, “I’m sure if you wanted it, he’d do it for you.”

Her unintentional mention of his name rankled his already darkening mood. He stuffed rice into his mouth before he said something mean.

She didn’t seem to notice, too busy returning the picture into her bag, “Anyways, I’ve been doing some reading since Yamano had come out as a person who could name, and I realized how little information there is out there! How is that possible?”

He shrugged, chewing slowly.

“I’ve read three different websites that repeated the same nonsense about the naming laws, but none of them even talk about how naming people could somehow “magically” know what a person’s name is.” She barely took a breath between her explanation and pulling out a modest reference book Kei remembered buying when it was first published during his first junior high year, “Though some of it is pretty interesting about naming in general. I didn’t know naming warfare was outlawed by the UN after World War Two.”

Kei swallowed, “It makes sense.”

“It does!” her hands fluttered through the air, “What it must have been like with all those abilities used to kill other people… I don’t want to think about it!”

Kei liked having these highly intelligent conversations with Hitoka from time to time, but he didn’t like thinking about it either.

Hitoka picked the book up again and flipped through the pages, “Also the personality trait typology that have come about from names are fascinating. I wonder if employers will start taking names into consideration in the hiring process sometime in the future.”

“I hope not.”

“Yeah,” she fidgeted, still flipping through the chapters until she found the page she was looking for. Her eyes lit up, “Here! Did you know names can change?”

Of course he did, “I’ve only met one person that’d happened to.”

She grinned, leaning in, a movement that was jarringly familiar, “If you think about it, shouldn’t everyone’s names change at least once in their life?”

Kei had never thought about it. He pursed his lips, “Even if they did, most people wouldn’t know.”

“Exactly!” she bounced in her chair. 

Kei leaned away, her energy was getting a little too much for him though he was curious about her point, “So what?”

Hitoka hesitated. Her excitement dimmed in the face of her usual nervousness, but she spoke anyways, “Tadashi told me about how you said you couldn’t say his name…”

Kei’s dark mood returned. He should have known this had something to do with the fight with his friend. Hitoka had always been closer to Tadashi and he shouldn’t be surprised that she would want to interfere, “Are you going to tell me why everyone has been ignoring me for the last week and a half?”

“No,” she bit her lip, “but please don’t be mad at them! They know it’s not your fault, they just don’t know how to act around you right now.”

Kei hummed.

“They’ve been acting weird around Tadashi too,” she pointed out.

She was right. Kei had noticed that although no one outright ignored Tadashi like they ignored him, most of the team excepting Noya didn’t seem to know how to talk to him anymore. 

Hitoka continued, “I think they’re mostly confused where you both stand, and don’t know whether they should step in or let you both deal with it yourselves.”

“I don’t see how that’s anyone’s business.”

She smiled, “I guess you’re right. But remember that time in first year when Tobio and Shou got into that huge fight? It’s kind of like that.”

Sure, but that was over something stupid; though Kei was wise not to voice that opinion out loud.

“Fine,” he huffed, “So what does Tadashi have anything to do with changing names? Are you telling me his name changed?”

Hitoka was grinning again and was bobbing her head in a way that was too similar to Shouyou. Those two hung out too much.

He thought back to the last time he said Tadashi’s name all the way back in their first year. The more Kei considered it, the more Hitoka’s explanation was making sense, “I think you’re right.”

“Yes!” She leaned back in her chair fist-pumping, “So now all you have to do is find out his new name!”

Kei looked down at his abandoned lunch. A new weariness settled over him when he thought back to the whole Kenma naming experience.

Easier said than done.

+++

He waited two entire days worth of practice before he swallowed his pride and approached Yamano, “Hey.”

The first-year spun around, wide-eyed, his towel slipping from his fingers. Hayashi and Hiro both froze.

Kei ignored them and forced himself to speak before he changed his mind, “Can I talk to you?”

The irony was not lost on Kei. Yamano nodded and followed him to the same corner they always found themselves in. The younger boy tried to play off his nerves, tossing his hair from his eyes, “What’s up?”

Kei grit his teeth, “I need to ask you something.”

“Sure. I’ll do my best to answer you, sir.”

“Yamano,” Kei really did sigh then, “You don’t have to call me sir or mister.”

“Oh…” he blinked and Kei knew he made a mistake when the boy looked down at his feet like usual, “But that’s how I was brought up… and you don’t have a name preference so-”

“Never mind,” Kei bit out, “It’s fine. That’s not why I wanted to talk to you.”

Yamano nodded, though he still wouldn’t meet his eyes.

He figured it was now or never, “Do you know Tadashi’s name?”

“Tadashi?” Yamano shook his head, “No, he said he didn’t want one.”

“Want one?”

“He said he didn’t want to be named,” the boy clarified.

“Why?” Kei asked aloud.

He shrugged.

Kei didn’t have time to think about this new revelation because then someone slapped his back so hard it stung. He doubled over and rounded on the person to find it was Noya. He was holding a volleyball and spinning it on his finger, his smile teasing, “Quit gossiping over here and join us for a game. I bet Ryuu that Hayashi could receive everything we can hit at him for three minutes straight.”

Kei straightened, fixing his glasses to give him a moment to process that someone was actually talking to him, “What’s that got to do with me?”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“I don’t think-”

“You scared, Tsukishima?” Ryuu called from the far net. His grin took the bite from his words. Shouyou was bouncing next to him, “Come on!”

If this was the way they intended to apologize, Kei wasn’t buying it, “It’s late-”

From behind the two strikers, Kei had a clear view of Tadashi bouncing a volleyball behind the back line. He breathed and tossed the ball into the air. It took flight in slow motion. His best friend swayed backwards before hitting it into a perfect upwards arch that disappeared into the gym lights before dropping into the other court by the hand of god. 

The smile that lit up his face was glorious.

“Well?”

Kei snapped back to reality to see Noya grinning like he’d already won. 

He scowled.

“Fine.”

+++

Kei dropped, knowing before his feet touched back onto the court that he’d read the spike wrong. 

_Crank_

_Crank_

_Crank_

The ball had veered from his fingers and smacked into the stand partition. A slap across the face. The audience gasped and the taiko drums silenced.

“Don’t mind!”

“One more!”

“Don’t mind, Kei!”

“We’ll get the next one!” Ryuu pounded into his back.

Kei flinched away and shook off his rising frustration. Aoba Johsai was relentless. Their new team’s strength hadn’t dissipated in tact and skill, and the loss of their powerful setter only spurred improvement. 

He crouched in front of the net, Tobio and Ryuu beside him. He flexed his fingers. The ghost of his old sprain haunted his joints. The referee’s whistle was sharp. Aoba Johsai’s next serve bulleted onto their side of the net. Noya saved it and Tobio set it directly into Tanaka’s open palm.

Akira on Aoba Johsai’s side received it for their setter. A flash of yellow sped into the corner of Kei’s vision-

The drums started again.

_Crank_

_Crank_ -

Kei grit his teeth against the barrage and bent to spring, his arms swinging-

_Crank_

\- and jumped.

The ball zoomed mere millimeters over his fingers. Kei could have grasped the air that puttered behind like streamers. The spike slammed into the court just like the last.

He landed. His team rose their voices calling encouragements but Kei heard none of them. He replayed the last few seconds in his mind and he knew he’d jumped a second too late for the spike. That ball was supposed to be easy.

He went back in front of the net, resolved to avoid the blonde-haired player. The drums thrummed. He was barking at his own setter who snapped back before they both settled into their positions. Kei remembered him from their match their first year. He was trouble that time too, but nothing they shouldn’t be able to handle.

_Crank_

“Hey,” Tobio mumbled, “You alright?”

Kei ignored him.

The whistle snapped him back to focus. This time the ball arched gracefully over the net into Chikara behind him. Kei followed it and set himself up to receive a spike. Tobio sent it to Ryuu again who rocketed it to an empty spot at the back which was saved by their libero. 

The other setter sent it towards Akira. Kei evaded the flash of yellow at the corner of his eye and focused as hard as he could on just the ball and jumped to block. Thankfully it went into Tobio’s hands instead of his and was knocked down into the other side of the court, granting them a point. 

His team cheered. He rotated into the new position at the front on the right side and braced himself for Tobio’s jump-serve. Just five more points. Five more and the first set would be over. But then what? Kei wasn’t sure he would be able to last four more sets trying to mentally block-out a key opposing player and focus on the game at the same time. He knew his blocks were a major part of his team’s defense and he couldn’t force them to play without him just because he was a namer. 

Tobio’s serve smacked and launched straight into the other team’s setter. Aoba Johsai moved with precision to compensate, forcing their wing-spiker to set up a ball for the-

_Crank_

Before Kei knew it, the ball was slamming into their court. He didn’t even have a chance.

A hand grasped his shoulder. It was firm. His name sounded unfamiliar from a mouth that never said it aloud, “Kei, are you alright?”

Kei shrugged the hand off and rounded on the setter. He was aware of his team giving them a wide berth and Chikara wavering on the outskirts, “I’m fine.”

“We can call a timeout,” Tobio stood his ground, upholding a coolness of someone who’d seen his share of self-doubt. Kei had to remind himself that they couldn’t fight now that things were getting down to the wire.

“I’ll be fine,” he repeated firmly. He turned away, hoping that would be the end of the conversation. 

For a few moments Kei thought he was in the clear until the setter opened his mouth again, “Captain, I think we need a timeou-”

Kei snapped. He swung into Tobio’s direction feeling all the irritation and frustration well up over him until he couldn’t think anymore. The words he spat were bitter, “What did I just say, King? Mind your own business!”

The setter stumbled back as if he’d been punched in the chest. He stared at Kei, wide-eyed, and it took Kei a few seconds to realize what he’d done. For once he did not enjoy the setter’s shock. His own dread settled into his bones. 

Tobio was panicking just as much as he was, “Captain, call a timeout.”

The effect was immediate. Both Tobio and Kei watched, horrified, as Chikara’s body flung itself towards the bench like a ragdoll pretending to be human. His hands didn’t look like they knew they were hands and his legs tripped over themselves in a race to prove one was better at walking than the other. His voice was without inflection, “Coach we need a timeout.”

Tobio looked like he wanted to fall into pieces and never be put back together again. Kei was reminded of the man he first met that spring night long ago and he didn’t like it. Not at all. 

Ukai motioned towards the referee who blew the whistle and called for their first timeout. Kei grit his teeth and headed to the huddle, grabbing onto the setter on his way there from where he was rooted in-place. 

Their coach eyed Chikara who had fallen, shaking, onto the bench, and then to the both of them, “What’s going on?”

Tobio dropped onto the opposite side of the bench and curled up with his knees to his chest and his head buried into his arms. Shouyou didn’t seem at all confused about what was happening to his friend and he patted the top of his head without saying a word.

Kei swallowed, knowing he was at fault for all of it, “I said his name.”

Only Mr. Takeda reacted how Kei had expected; by gasping and shaking his head. His teammates were tense but they waited him to say more while his coach studied him for a long time before he responded, “Did you say it on purpose?”

Kei shook his head. He suddenly felt a hand at his back, so familiar it broke his heart all over again. 

Ukai nodded to himself and turned towards their advisor, “Mr. Takeda we need to inform the Committee. It would be bad if we kept it from them and got caught.”

Mr. Takeda jumped into action and ran towards the referee who called for an official timeout. The audience murmured. 

Kei grasped his fingers in front of himself, wishing he had his music. His teammates patted his back and passed around the water bottles. They were subdued but their familiar routine soothed him somewhat. Tobio wasn’t curled up in a ball anymore and was listening to Shouyou who was seated next to him and whispering into his ear. Kei couldn’t fathom what he could be talking about. 

A towel was pushed into his chest. Kei looked up and met Tadashi’s gaze. The other boy moved close into his space, not letting go. He looked like he wanted to say something and Kei nearly begged him to. 

Mr. Takeda returned with a suited man Kei assumed was from the Naming Regulation Committee. He had a clipboard in-hand, was tall and wore glasses. He approached with the air of a man just doing his job, “Mr. Tsukishima?”

Tadashi let him go and moved beside him with their other teammates. Kei swallowed and prayed he didn’t look as scared as he felt, “Yes?”

The man glanced down at his clipboard, “Before we make any official decisions the Committee would like to ask a few questions. May I speak to you privately, please?”

Kei nodded and followed the man towards the official’s booth. He was sweating more now than when he was playing the game. The man motioned for him to sit in front of the line of other suits. None of them were familiar to Kei which he found no comfort in. A different man at the end of the line spoke, not looking up from the stack of forms on the tabletop in front of him. He wore his tie loose and his jacket over the back of his chair, “You’ve known that you’ve been a namer all your life haven’t you, Mr. Tsukishima?”

The other men watched him. Kei gripped his shorts to stop his hands from shaking, “Yes.”

“Despite that, you haven’t been reported once for misuse or violation. What made you break your streak today?” he finally looked up. Despite his easy demeanor, his eyes were black behind his blank expression.

“It was an accident,” even to his own ears, Kei’s excuse sounded thin.

The man hummed and looked back down at the papers, “When did the naming occur?”

Kei wished he didn’t feel so sick, “Just before we called for a timeout. Tobio knew we had to stop the match and then we told our coach.”

“Did you name anyone else?”

“No.”

“Did he use his ability on anyone before the timeout?”

Kei winced, “On our captain. He didn’t mean to-”

The line of suits were whispering to one another. It was getting distracting. The man talking ignored them, “And what did Tobio command him to do?”

“To call for a timeout.”

More whispering. Some of them were now glancing at Kei and he felt like he was being judged for something he had no control over. Cool sweat trickled down his back and his head was pounding.

“Do you know what his name is?”

Just like the first time Kei wondered at this question since it was obvious that he did, “Yes.”

“Please state it and his ability for the record please.”

“His name is King and his ability is to force people to do what he tells them to do.”

A couple of the men gasped. They weren’t sitting still any longer. Finally the one sitting closer to the middle of the table spoke up, “How long does an ability like that last?”

“A bit less than a minute,” the man that had been asking the questions checked the papers in front of him and pursed his lips, “So nothing to worry about I suppose.”

“Worry about?” another man asked, “An ability like that? That’s terrifying.”

“Or full of potential,” the man in the middle spoke again, “We need to-”

“We’re not here to talk about that,” the man asking the questions interrupted. He looked back up at Kei and spoke to him directly, “The Committee still needs to deliberate this matter further. It seems that this truly was an accident. However, since we have yet to see the tape, I cannot with good conscience continue to allow you to play the remainder of the match.”

The outcome was better than Kei expected.

“And Mr. Kageyama?” the third man sounded indignant, “Are we going to believe everything Mr. Tsukishima claims?”

“Mr. Kageyama’s ability should have worn off by now,” the first man continued, noticeably not answering the second part of the third man’s questions. He shuffled the papers together and leaned back into his chair, “To be safe we can have him sit out the rest of this set, but Mr. Kageyama may play the rest of the game.”

Kei felt like he was ready to keel over. He stood from his seat, hoping that the terrible experience was finally done, “Thank you. May I return to my team?”

“Of course. Please inform your coaches and we’ll make an announcement.”

Kei excused himself and bowed before rushing out of the booth. The atmosphere in the gym grated against his raw nerves. The restless murmurs from the audience itched. 

Though his legs were shaky, he managed to get back to his team. He didn’t know what kind of face he was making but it must have been pathetic enough for his teammates to gather around without pestering him with questions. He noticed Tobio no longer looked like the world was going to end and was talking to Shouyou. Chikara was standing by listening to them both, a kind smile on his face. Tadashi was nowhere to be seen.

The crease between Coach Ukai’s brows hadn’t disappeared, “Well?”

“We’re not disqualified-”

His team cheered. Someone slapped his back and Noya was hugging him. Kei didn’t have the strength to fight them off.

Once they quieted down he continued, “-but I can’t play in the rest of the match and Tobio needs to sit out the rest of this set.”

“Is that all?” Noya scoffed and then pointed to his chest, standing defiant, “Don’t worry, Kei. We got this!”

“Yeah!” Shouyou hopped in place, “We don’t need you or Tobio!”

“Now now,” their captain waved them down, “We can’t be underestimating them. This is Aoba Johsai we’re talking about.”

“Chikara’s right,” Ukai crossed his arms, thoughtful, “We need to rethink some of our strategies. Huddle-up. Kei, you can go ahead and take a break. Good work.”

Kei knew when he was being dismissed. He bowed and then shuffled off to the bench. It was solid and too warm to be comfortable. He looked around for Mr. Takeda or Hitoka, but he could find neither of them. Someone nudged a water bottle into his arm. Kei looked up to see Yamano who was nervous as usual, “Ms. Yachi told me to give this to you when you came back.”

“Thanks,” Kei gulped from it longer than necessary, mostly to allow himself to think. Not for the first time he wished he had his music. The announcement informing the audience and the other teams in the gym about the circumstances spoke over the gym speakers. It was long and his name was mentioned more than once, but it was also precise and translucent. Aoba Johsai looked skeptical, but not at all upset by Kei’s misdemeanor. 

The younger boy spoke again, “I didn’t know being a person who could name was so scary.”

Kei didn’t answer.

“Yamano!” Ukai shouted. 

The first year jumped, “Y-Yes!”

“Come over here,” their coach waved, “You’re going in.”

The younger boy leapt forward to join the circle, leaving Kei alone on the bench with a water bottle and his thoughts. He slumped over and stared down at his feet and was only aware that his team were playing again when their shouts rose with the crowd. Drums beat vibrated against his skull and the cheer squads from both teams chanted with renewed vigor. Their words mashed together into a chaotic mess of incessant nothing. He was dimly aware of Tobio fidgeting nearby. Mr. Takeda had returned and he was seated on the other end of the bench. The literature teacher was clicking his pen to some off-rhythm beat Kei couldn’t place which added to the agonizing strain of his sanity.

Kei breathed unsteadily. The ball slammed and he flinched though Karasuno’s audience roared. Tobio rocked onto his toes, his shoes creaking. He was straining against nothing. Sheer will was keeping him from jumping onto the court himself. 

Kei couldn’t bring himself to watch the game. He didn’t want to see what he could be doing if he wasn’t so useless and he didn’t want to watch his teammates lose again. Less than a year ago Akiteru told him he needed to trust that his team would hold out for him to come back on the court, but he couldn’t find it in himself to accept that. 

The whistle was shrill. Their next serve was hesitant and too timid to be anyone else but Yamano. Kei tensed, dreading the groans-

Soft cushions clamped around his ears, cutting off all but muffled shouted encouragements and the vibrating heartbeat of taiko drums. Kei lifted his hands to find his headphones. His phone was then pressed into his grasp by warm, calloused fingers he didn’t need to look up to know who they belonged to. They were sure and said everything he wanted to hear. A song started to play and Kei felt like he could breathe again. 

Those same hands draped a towel over his head and pitched his world into soft shadow. They patted his head reminiscent of how Shouyou had treated Tobio, which was curious in some respect. He closed his eyes.

The music was purely an instrumental tune from a movie soundtrack he loved. It was soft and whimsical, but also magical and bold just like the film it was from. Every time he listened to it, Kei was always reminded of long movie nights and sweet dreams. He imagined his bedroom: cool, and dark and late into the night. He was cuddled into his bed next to another warm body. Music was playing from his earphones and his best friend was there sharing it with him, humming along to every note he could grasp onto… 

Before he knew it, the game was over. His team had won against Aoba Johsai, though by only a margin. Kei was dragged from his spot on the bench and into their victory circle. He looked across to where Tadashi was already grinning at him. The hair that escaped his tie were stuck to his flushed cheeks. His eyes were wild and daring. He was everything.

The strong hands of his teammates braced against his back as they chanted, tired but jubilant:

“Karasuno! Fight!”

“Oh!”

They lined up to thank their audience and then made their way to their bags. Kei broke from their group and headed to the booth to wait in his customary spot, swaying to his music. His time on the bench calmed him enough for rational thought. The committee had the power to disqualify his team from the rest of the tournament and him for life. However Kei held onto hope that they were lenient on mistakes. 

Moments later, Yamano bounded up next to him. Kei felt he had questions but he wasn’t in the mood to humor him. He didn’t know how well his underclassman had done in the game, but judging by his enthusiasm he’d probably done well. 

The booth stirred and the Aoba Johsai captain and setter stepped out of it looking harassed. He stopped short when he saw Kei and grimaced, “Hey. You’re Tsukishima right?”

Kei moved his headphones to his neck and nodded. The dim violins ran calming waves over his shoulders.

“My preference is Shigeru,” he paused as if Kei was supposed to say something and when he didn’t the captain continued, “You played well, I was sorry to see you pulled out in the first set.”

Kei shrugged, “Thanks.”

After another long, awkward silence, the the setter ran a hand through his hair. He glanced back towards the booth where the suited men were talking amongst themselves, “Don’t worry I didn’t say anything to get you guys disqualified or anything. They just wanted to ask if we saw anything weird.”

Kei waited.

Shigeru was looking more and more like he regretted starting the conversation, “So yeah. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” he said again. He tried not to show it, but Kei was relieved at least something was going in their favor. He had not expected the committee to question the other team but in hindsight it made a lot of sense.

“Don’t think you’re off the hook,” he tossed his head in a way that was oddly reminiscent of the old Nekoma captain; a comparison that did nothing but annoy Kei even more, “I’m a third year, but our first years are even better than my upperclassmen last year.”

Kei couldn’t help but eye the other boy up and down, “Do you ever stop talking?”

“You better be ready,” the captain turned on his heel and loped away, calling over his shoulder, “Next year you’re fucked.”

Yamano waited until Shigeru was out of earshot before speaking his mind, “Aoba Johsai is a weird team.”

Kei snorted, “We’ve played worst.”

The suited man with the clipboard chose that moment to call Kei back into the booth. He sat in the same spot and was eyed by the same man in charge. The space was heavy and too silent. Finally, the man spoke, “The Committee has decided to rule your naming of Tobio Kageyama during the Aoba Johsai match as “accidental” and no further but a misdemeanor strike will be added to your record.”

Breath Kei didn’t know he was holding rushed out of him. 

“If this incident repeats in the future,” the man continued, “consequences will be handled by the official committee members at that time with this misdemeanor put into consideration. Sounds fair?”

Kei nodded, not trusting himself to speak. 

“Good,” he clapped. Everyone but him jumped, “Now if I may say something, from one namer to another?”

Kei was taken aback. He glanced at the other men in the booth who were looking uncomfortable. He noted the space between his chair and their’s, their attitude towards the man reaching clarity, “Yes?”

The other namer motioned Kei forward and pulled out a couple cards. He bypassed politeness to press them into Kei’s palm, “This is a number for a namer group a few of us started about a year ago. We’re relatively new but we’ve got government backing. If you get into any trouble or if you need anyone to talk to, don’t hesitate to call, okay?”

Kei looked down at the cream cards in his hand before bowing, more for politeness sake than anything, “Thank you.”

“You can give the other card to Mr. Yamano. I’m sure he’ll need more help than you,” the man waved him away, “Good work today.”

Kei bowed again and left the booth. The next game had already started in the court they had just vacated. Yamano was still waiting where he’d left him, but he wasn’t alone and looked to be in the middle of a very serious discussion with Tadashi until they both broke out laughing. His conversation a few days before with Hitoka returned to him. If she was right, Kei dreaded searching for the right tune because he could think of a thousand potential songs to describe his friend’s laughter, not to mention how many that could represent his soul. 

His best friend smiled even wider when he saw him, “I brought you your jacket.”

Of all the things Kei was expecting would be the first words Tadashi would speak to him after weeks of silence, he wasn’t complaining. He reached out and pulled the jacket from his hands, “Thanks. It’s yours though.”

“What?” he blinked, doing a double-take to the jacket now being zipped up to Kei’s neck and then to the one he was already wearing and laughed, almost with disbelief, “Well that explains some things.”

Kei eyed him as Tadashi pulled the collar of the jacket he was wearing forward and twisted to read the tag on the back where “Tsukishima” was written with a sharpie, “You seriously forgot?”

Tadashi shrugged still smiling until a thought seemed to cross his mind and he looked away. His hands fidgeted. Kei was then starkly aware of Yamano’s presence. He turned to the boy and passed him one of the cards, “Give this to your mom. It’s from a namer group.”

“Oh,” Yamano looked at it curiously, “Okay, cool.”

Kei glared at him, waiting. 

He didn’t get the hint.

“You can leave now,” Kei stressed. He felt rather than heard Tadashi suppressing a laugh.

“Oh!” the younger boy looked between them, “Sorry, Mr. Tsukishima. Did you want privacy? I didn’t know-”

“Go away.”

“Okay sorry!” he scurried, waving over his shoulder, “See you Tadashi, thanks for the tips!”

They both watched him go. He could feel Tadashi’s eyes on him, still not saying anything. Kei knew that the other boy had something to say so he observed the game behind him and waited for him to speak first. Violins still sang from his headphones. 

“You’re getting better with him.”

“Hmm?” Kei met his eyes. They were boring into his heart.

Tadashi nodded in the direction Yamano had left, “He isn’t afraid of talking to you anymore.”

“I think that’s more on him learning bad habits from Shouyou than me “getting better”,” Kei scowled, “He’s irritating and nothing will ever convince me otherwise.”

He giggled and Kei couldn’t help but smile in return. Somehow the gym looked a little bit brighter and the noises didn’t sound like nothing. They looked at each other, sharing the moment, until his best friend’s smile faded again. Kei felt like Tadashi was looking for something in his face. For what, he could only guess, “I’m sorry about what happened.”

He shrugged, “It’s over now.”

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a terrible experience.”

Kei shrugged again.

The other boy bit his lip, thoughtful, “I also want to apologize for the past couple weeks. I shouldn’t have ignored you after all of that.”

Kei didn’t need to be told to understand what he was referring to. He felt his face heat just as Tadashi’s cheeks went red. They looked away. 

He wanted to feel even at least a little angry at him, but he couldn’t find the will. In a way, he understood his friend. Tadashi needed his space and Kei couldn’t control the other boy’s feelings, no matter how unfair. 

He cleared his throat, “It’s fine.”

“Not really,” his friend insisted, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my name and stuff and why you don’t want to say it. I can understand why, even if it hurts a little. You’re not trying to hurt my feelings.”

Kei wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him. He couldn’t believe even after all of what had happened, Tadashi still thought he didn’t want to say his name when Kei had stopped caring about that a long time ago. 

“I’m not angry anymore,” Tadashi continued, “So can we be friends again?”

Kei didn’t respond, torn. Every beat of his heart screamed at him to say yes. 

But what about when he said he loved him? Did they have to only be friends?

Tadashi caught his eyes again. He didn’t look like he understood the expression on Kei’s face, “Tsukki?”

He swallowed. His familiar name gave him courage. Adrenaline pumped through his body, the accumulation of stress and fear fell away and Kei felt like maybe he could live through anything. Honesty tasted odd on his tongue, “I missed you.”

His words didn’t have the intended effect. Tadashi only nodded, his face falling blank and Kei didn’t know what it meant, “Me too.”

Feeling bolder, he stepped forward. Tadashi was only a few centimeters shorter than he was but he stood his ground, his neck craning backwards. Kei let himself relearn the sharp planes of his best friend’s cheeks and the narrow slope of his eyebrows. Somehow his freckles had multiplied and his eyes were like chocolate almonds. His hair was pulled back with the hairband Kei had bought him, a fact that stirred something deep in his chest, “No Tadashi, you don’t understand,” he grit his teeth, “I really missed you.”

The air between them was stagnant. Tadashi couldn’t pretend to have missed his meaning that time. He knew him too well. 

His hand lifted. Kei expected his sentiment to be returned, so he was shocked when his best friend placed his hand over his heart, the same place where he’d put his towel into his chest earlier that day, and pushed him away, “Not now, Kei.” his voice was only a whisper, “Not now, please?”

Kei didn’t understand anything of what was happening anymore. He swallowed, “Okay.”

Tadashi smiled at him again. It was slight. An unsaid apology, “Should we head back?” He turned away. Kei could feel his heart cutting itself to pieces against his ribcage.

He lifted his headphones over his ears… 

+++

Karasuno lost to Date Kou in the finals: A guillotine to their dreams to play on the national stage once more. The bus ride home was somber. The world felt muted and distant to Kei. Tadashi had sat beside him, and Kei wanted to be at least a little happy Tadashi meant what he said when he said he wanted to be friends again. He could tell the other boy was holding back his tears just like the rest of their teammates. On his own part, Kei was used to disappointment, but losing hope was still hard. He let his music play from his headphones around his neck as a soundtrack to the silence.

[ _Down an unknown road,_  
_To embrace my fate,_  
_Though that road may wander,_  
_It will lead me to you._  
_And a thousand years would be worth the wait,_  
_It might take a lifetime,_  
_But somehow I'll see it through._

_And I won't look back…_ ]

Back at their gym, with the sun bleeding the sky red and the crickets singing their greetings, Chikara gave his final speech as captain with the four other third-years standing beside him. Noya and Ryuu were the first to break and they barely got through their own farewells through their own blubbers.

As soon as they were excused, Shouyou demanded a final team photo. Hisashi promised to buy the last round of meat-buns and Noya made a point to hug all of his underclassmen, including Kei. For once he didn’t complain.

They walked home together, red-faced and overly-rowdy, and annoyed Coach Ukai enough to let them hang around his store until the evening’s blanket of darkness had long since cloaked their final day together as a team. 

[ _You got a fast car,_  
_Is it fast enough so we can fly away?_  
_We gotta make a decision,_  
_Leave tonight or live and die this way?_ ]

One-by-one: Kazuhito, Chikara, Ryuu, Hisashi and finally Noya, waved their goodbyes. Kei knew they’d still see each other before graduation and nothing will keep them from being at some of their practices, but he still couldn’t help feel the same hole of loss that he felt when the last year’s third-years said their goodbyes. 

[ _City lights lay out before us,_  
_And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder,_  
_And I had a feeling that I belonged,_  
_I had a feeling I could be someone,_  
_Be someone._  
_Be someone…_ ]

The first-years left next. Each bowed low, wishing another great year in the future. Kei avoided looking at Yamano when the boy thanked him especially, for reasons he didn’t want to think about; though by the way Tadashi was holding back his laughter, he wasn’t fooling anyone. 

His music shuffled and just as the next instrumental line ran, it clicked off into silence. Kei checked his phone and realized he’d drained the battery. 

“We should have that extra practice we never got to do,” Shouyou piped up, almost absent-minded, while biting off the rest of his ice pop. They were lounging on the steps of the store. It had long ago went dark, leaving the only light coming from the vending machines and the street lights. Kei knew he should be heading home, especially since he had no way of reaching his mom, but he couldn’t bring himself to be the first.

Tobio snorted from where he was seated on the other side of him, “Whose fault do you think that was?” Shouyou shoved him which was returned in kind until both were in their usual grappling match. 

Tadashi giggled, shuffling closer into Kei’s side to escape the crossfire, “I don’t mind. As long as it doesn’t get in the way of studying for finals.”

Breaking away from his partner, Shouyou scoffed, “Finals are easy. As long as I pass, who cares?”

“Except you and the king are the only ones who can make “just passing” look like climbing Mt. Everest,” Kei snorted. 

“Shut up, Tsukishima!” Shouyou shot over Tadashi’s head, “Jokes on you, I can climb anything!”

“Uhuh.”

Their future ace huffed, “I thought you’d gotten nicer.”

“What gave you that idea?”

“Yamano,” Tobio quipped though he was thoughtful, “Or was it Taiyo?” 

“Yamano is his preference,” Shouyou waved him off, “We’re getting off the topic. How about next weekend?”

“That’s okay with me,” Tadashi sucked the last of his juice box and turned to him. Kei was hyper-aware he was still pressed against his side, “You’re free right, Tsukki?”

He was now, “Sure, whatever.”

“Sure. Whatever,” the shorter boy mocked and smirked knowingly in that way that made Kei want to smother him. He leapt to his feet and grabbed his bike. For someone who’d played in a volleyball tournament only hours before, he still had way too much energy, “Anyways, I gotta get going.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Tobio stood, grabbing both their bags.

“Aw, you don’t have to,” Shouyou laughed, though they fell into step, “I wanted to ask though, what’s it like using your ability? Does it feel weird?”

The setter cocked his head upwards and replied naturally as if he hadn’t caused the terror they’d all witnessed that day, “It feels like I’m invincible.”

“Really? I feel the same way!”

Stupid people really do have little to worry about in their life. Their voices faded as they strolled farther and farther down the road until they turned the corner. 

The noises of the night washed over Kei. In a way he was glad his battery had died. He looked up and watched a moth flutter around one of the buzzing streetlights and felt Tadashi shift next to him. Since they’d made-up, Kei had been waiting for things to turn awkward between them, but somehow not even the moments when neither had anything to say felt uncomfortable. 

Something had been bothering him though and he had to ask, “So what did you mean when you said, “Well that explains things”?”

“Hm?” he blinked, “When?”

“When I told you that I had your jacket and you realized you had mine.”

Tadashi flushed red so fast, Kei was worried he’d faint, “Well, actually. Have the team been kind of weird around you? I mean, when it’s about me?”

Kei clicked his tongue, “They’re idiots.”

“Maybe,” Tadashi laughed, breathless. Kei was glad some things never changed, “But I think they kind of figured out some… things about us because of our names on our jackets.”

Kei considered that hypothesis. He didn’t want to say it aloud, but he was pretty sure his team had been teasing him incessantly all year about his crush on his best friend, was because he’d admittedly been obvious. If anything, the jacket said more about Tadashi than Kei.

Tadashi pressed closer, snapping Kei from his reverie. He was looking over Kei’s shoulder, his skin was hot and rough and his voice was a low murmur beneath the cricket songs, “Did your phone die?”

Kei responded in kind, afraid of popping the bubble they’d created, “Yeah.”

“Do you want to go home?”

He lied, “Sure.”

Tadashi didn’t move until he seemed to make a decision about something and pushed himself up off the step. He stood in front of Kei, blocking the harsh light of the street lights, though the soft glow of the vending machines cast soft shadows under his chin and around his shoulders. He held out his hand for Kei to grab and pulled him to his feet.

He didn’t let go.

“Let’s take the long way home,” Tadashi looked up at him from beneath short lashes and a fringe of hair clumped from sweat. He was smiling, hesitant, but bright enough to crinkle the corners of his eyes. His hand was sweaty and he had to readjust the way he was holding Kei’s a few times until he gave up and settled with pretending they’d always done it that way.

Kei was breathless. He was sure his hand was cold and just as clammy and his world was too quiet but that was fine. He mustered what was left of his courage and hope from a cruel day and said, “Okay.”

His friend’s calloused fingers squeezed so tight it hurt. He was standing close enough for Kei to count every freckle and find the creases in his lips, “Is this okay?”

Mouth dry, Kei nodded. 

Tadashi looked like he wanted to say more. His brown eyes were blown wide under the shadows. Kei could feel his breath ghost across his face and smell the sweet cherry of his ice pop. 

If he leant forward, just a little, he could kiss him. 

Just as that thought crossed Kei’s mind, Tadashi stepped back. He bent to shoulder both their bags, shrugging off Kei’s protests, and tugged them both along the familiar road home. They walked along that street, side-by-side, until they turned down a dirt path that led through bushes and cut through an old playground. Tadashi was humming a song that Kei recognized and comforted him. His friend’s smile was soft and his eyes had stars. 

[ _Don't want to leave her now,_  
_You know I believe and how._

_You're asking me will my love grow,_  
_I don't know, I don't know._  
_You stick around, now it may show,_  
_I don't know, I don't know…_ ]

Kei’s heart was heavy and soaring at the same time. He knew he was staring, but he was afraid that if he looked away he’d break the illusion and lose the best thing he was ever lucky enough to hold. 

No name, Kei decided, could ever exist that would properly describe Tadashi.

They stopped in front of his friend’s apartment building. He passed Kei his duffle and retracted his hand. Kei felt cold.

“I’ll see you Monday?”

“Yeah.”

He stepped back, waving, “Good night, Kei.”

“Good night,” Kei waved back and watched him climb the steps to the fourth floor and disappear into his family’s apartment.

Kei walked the rest of the way home alone, lost in thought. He was welcomed by his mother who reheated his dinner for him and warned him that his brother was going to be home that week so he shouldn’t make too much noise. She avoided mentioning his team’s loss or his lateness. 

Later that night he was laying in bed, his mind running wild, until he arrived at a decision. He leapt out of bed and sat in front of his computer, booting it awake. He then spun to his shelf, a chromatic wall of CD’s ordered by the year they were released. The task ahead of him was daunting and probably pointless, but Kei learned a long time ago that trying was way cooler than being a quitter. 

No name could ever describe Tadashi, but Kei was going to try even if it took him the rest of his life.

+++

The next Monday was terrible. All Sunday, day and night, he had been looking through his old and new music to create a playlist of songs that would possibly connect to his friend. He’d forgotten the next week was going to be full of classes and test preparation.

He only half-listened to the math lesson while he kept an eye on Tadashi’s back, song after song. By lunchtime he’d exhausted half his playlist. 

At lunch, is best friend pulled a chair up to his desk, unfolding his bento, and grinned, “You look terrible.”

Rolling his eyes, he opened his own lunch to find his brother had added a few strawberries to his usual. What a nerd. 

Unperturbed by Kei’s silence, Tadashi shoved a few mouthfuls of rice into his mouth, before speaking again, “Something on your mind?”

Kei knew simply coming clean to Tadashi would make the process easier ten times over, but something in him wanted to keep his search to himself. Not to mention how bringing up a sore topic in their friendship would ruin the happy alternate dimension Kei somehow found himself a part of. 

He shrugged.

Tadashi wasn’t buying it, but he didn’t press. Kei turned to eat his own lunch, checking every new song that popped next. By the time he’d finished eating, he had heard five more tunes and Tadashi was lounging back with a novel he’d only just started. His long legs stretched beneath Kei’s desk and one of his feet were absently rubbing Kei’s calf. It was distracting.

They met in the club room before practice. Their new team felt smaller and the absence of their upperclassmen left gaping black holes. He sat next to Tadashi in the front row, their other two classmates on his other side and their underclassmen behind them. Shouyou was staring at the desktop as if he could pretend he wasn’t there. As always, Tobio was no help alleviating the tension and Tadashi’s leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. If Kei knew they were going to have a meeting he would have brought his music to distract him from the terrible atmosphere. 

Coach Ukai crossed his arms from where he stood next to Mr. Takeda at the front of the room and cleared his throat, “So, we should’ve discussed this a long time ago, but we need a new team captain.”

Shouyou perked, “Who is it? Who did you pick?”

“Actually its tradition for the team’s upperclassmen to decide,” Ukai waved in their direction, “So have at it.”

Both Tobio’s and Shouyou’s hands flew into the air at the same time. They glared at one another until Mr. Takeda spoke up, “You can talk amongst yourselves-”

The idiots rounded on Tadashi and Kei. Shouyou’s voice nearly smothered Tobio’s, “I nominate Tadashi-!”

“Tadashi should be captain!”

“What?” his best friend yelped.

Well. That went differently than Kei expected. Though if he’d had a choice he knew who he’d pick as well, “I second.”

“Tsukki!” Tadashi grasped his sleeve looking shocked and desperate. 

Kei eyed him and smirked, “It’s better than one of the freak duo.”

“But-” he looked around the room for help that never came. Ukai was nodding to himself and the underclassmen were grinning. If they were going by the entire year, Tadashi was an easy choice and Kei wasn’t surprised no one had complaints.

“It’s settled,” Shouyou tossed his head back, “Now who’s the vice captain going to be? I nominate Tobio.”

Tobio shook his head, “It should be Shouyou.”

“Don’t I get to choose?” Tadashi squeaked, “What about Tsukki-”

“No,” Kei knew his friend would go that route, “I nominate Shouyou.”

The silence that followed would have been comedic if Kei meant that as a joke. Someone behind them coughed who Kei figured out was Hiro after he spoke, “Plot twist.” Another person, probably Hayashi, cackled.

Shouyou on his part was pinching himself. He turned to the setter, “I must be dreaming. Punch me.”

“You’re not dreaming.”

Kei could feel his friend laughing at his elbow. He suppressed an eyeroll, “I regret my decision already-”

Ukai clapped, “Okay, now that’s over with we can move on,” he turned to the television and fiddled with the remote control, “Makoto recorded our last few matches so we could watch them and get a handle on what went wrong. Pay attention to…”

A couple hours later, Kei and Tadashi were following the usual path home. They weren’t holding hands but Kei wasn’t bothered by it. Since the vote, his friend had been unusually muted through the entire meeting and even now he felt far away. Kei let him mull while he listened to more songs from the playlist.

[ _I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies,_  
_Like a tiger, defying the laws of gravity._  
_I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva!_ ]

“Tsukki?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you really think I should be team captain?”

[ _I'm burning through the sky, yeah!_  
_Two hundred degrees,_  
_That's why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit._  
_I'm traveling at the speed of light,_  
_I wanna make a supersonic man out of you!_ ]

“I wouldn’t nominate you if I didn’t.”

“True,” Tadashi laughed, “I guess I just never imagined anyone would want me to be captain.”

[ _Don't stop me now,_  
_('cause I'm having a good time)_  
_Don't stop me now,_  
_(Yes, I'm having a good time)_  
_I don't want to stop at all…_ ]

Kei wished he and Tadashi could switch bodies for a day just so his friend could see himself how everyone else did, “Don’t be stupid, Tadashi.”

His friend laughed again, knocking into Kei and pushing them both off the path. Kei wasn’t bothered. 

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

+++

Three nights later found Kei once again laboring over his playlist. His English homework sat half-done on his desk beside him. He felt a little guilty since he’d told his mom he’d finish it, but he just couldn’t find the motivation. He’d seen Tadashi cover the topics the previous semester so he wasn’t too worried.

He’d worked through songs from the early and later 1900’s throughout the week. Most of the tunes he’d picked were what he remembered were Tadashi’s favorites or his personal picks. Kei felt like Tadashi’s song would be emotional and heartfelt. Maybe something that was the opposite of what his first song from Chihiro Onitsuka was about that instead celebrated being strong and loving who he is. Tadashi deserved a song like that. 

Someone knocked at his door. Kei spun around in his chair and removed his headphones from his ears in time for his brother to walk in with what looked like a folder of papers under his arm and a tray of sweets and cups of tea, “Can I come in?”

Kei shrugged, wheeling back around to his desktop, “I’m busy.”

His brother chuckled, “Just a few minutes, I swear.”

The tray was pushed into the empty spot next to his mouse. Akiteru nudged his arm a few times before he gave in and took a cup, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Akiteru sat at the edge of Kei’s bed with his own teacup. He took a sip and munched on a shortbread cookie, “So how have you been? I haven’t seen you all week.”

“I’ve been studying,” Kei picked out a mochi and leaned back in his chair to glare at his brother in a way he hoped conveyed enough how much he didn’t want him to be there. 

The older Tsukishima ignored him and glanced meaningfully towards Kei’s half-finished homework and his open music library, “Likely story.”

He wasn’t going to take the bait, “What do you want?”

Akiteru huffed, returning his cup onto the tray and pulling the folder from beneath his arm. He passed it over to Kei without preamble.

It was a folder from a university in Tokyo for their College of Humanities and Social Sciences, “What’s this?”

“Just read it. Tell me what you think.”

Kei opened it. He skimmed through the first page; an introductory informative letter for a new program offered with specialty courses for those with naming gifts or unique abilities. What that last part meant, Kei couldn’t begin to guess. The more he read the less he wanted to know, “What are you trying to imply?”

His brother didn’t look affronted though his shoulders were tense, “I just wanted you to know you have other options. Also, I think a few of your friends might be interested in it, even if you aren’t.”

His first reaction was to reject the idea until he remembered Yamano and how he was an admittedly much more effective namer than he’ll ever be. Even Tobio or Shouyou might be able to benefit if they decided to do something other than volleyball.

“Like Tadashi,” his brother supplied.

At that, Kei snorted, “Tadashi wants to be a teacher.”

Akiteru shrugged and sipped from his cup again, “Just a thought.”

He rolled his eyes, “Fine, is that all?”

“The school also has a great volleyball club in the first division,” his brother reached over and flipped through the pamphlet until he got to the page of sports, “and a huge community of naming people.”

“I don’t really care about that.”

“If you say so.”

Kei eyed the older Tsukishima for a long moment until the evidence clicked together, “Did mom tell you about what happened at the game?”

His brother sighed and slumped as if he was relieved he no longer had to keep up the ruse, “I thought you’d be worried about what happened.”

On the contrary the naming incident was the last thing on his mind, “I’m not.”

“I don’t want you to dwell on these kind of things. It was only an accident.”

“I know.”

“And I don’t want you to think your future will always be limited for you because you can name,” Akiteru continued, “Being a naming person is getting more and more accepted as a part of everyday society. You can help people now. Imagine being able to name a person who had the ability that could help people from burning buildings or solve common issues?”

He already knew these things. It was a hope repeated over every naming forum and textbook. He’d given up paying attention to it a long time ago. 

“So yeah,” Akiteru ended his rant, “Though if you still wanted to be a paleontologist, don’t let me stop you.”

Kei turned back to his computer. Maybe if he pretended his brother wasn’t there he’d go away, “Thanks.”

Akiteru was quiet again in an uncomfortable way as if he wanted to say something more, but he’d lost the chance. He sighed, then Kei felt the change in the atmosphere just as he leaned over his shoulder, “Okay I’ll shut up. But really, this doesn’t look like studying.”

Kei didn’t grace that comment with a response. He opened up his spotify to peruse the new releases while he waited for his brother to get the hint. The song at the top was a funky beat that was reminiscent of the 80’s. He thought Tadashi might like it, though maybe not as a song that would connect to him.

[ _This hit, that ice cold,_  
_Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold._  
_This one for them hood girls,_  
_Them good girls, straight masterpieces-_ ]

“‘Who is your favorite music artist?’” his brother read aloud. He was at Kei’s shoulder now bent over his homework. His English was impeccable from someone who’d been speaking it since they were both children. He laughed, still speaking in English, “That question must be really difficult for you.”

Kei snorted, responding in kind. His English wasn’t as good, but it was enough for his school’s classes to be redundant to him, “It doesn’t matter who I write.”

“My favorite music artist is Prince,” Akiteru spoke further, cackling, “Your turn.”

“I don’t know who I’m going to write yet.”

“I thought you said it doesn’t matter.”

Kei made a face, “Fine. My favorite music artist is Kesha.”

“Kesha?” His older brother considered him for a moment, “Of all artists, you chose Kesha.”

“She’s Tadashi’s favorite-” Kei’s mind screeched to a halt as his thoughts caught up to his mouth. Something in him clicked much like when he named a person for the first time. Half of him wanted to scream, the other half was still too shocked to move.

“Kei?” Akiteru switched back to their native tongue, “Are you alright?”

His brother’s words snapped him back to reality. He stood and glanced at his bedside. 9 o’clock. “I’m going out.”

“What?” 

“I have to meet someone,” he responded while shrugging into a hoodie and grabbing his phone from his desk. His mind was already sprinting down the street, “I’ll be back.”

“Okay,” Akiteru stumbled out of his way, “Be careful.”

“I will.”

Kei raced down his staircase and out his front door, ignoring his mom shouting after him. The spring nighttime was cooler than usual. No clouds were in the sky allowing the stars to pierce through the yellow street lamps. A slight breeze found the places his jacket could not hide. The crickets were singing loud enough that Kei was tempted to wear his headphones the rest of the way. 

He flipped open his cell phone and found the number he was looking for. Tadashi answered after the third ring. They were the longest three rings of Kei’s life, “Hello?”

“Are you at the convenience store at the corner?”

Tadashi didn’t speak for a moment long enough for Kei to hear the background and realize he was outside too, “I just left actually. Why?”

“Stay. Don’t go anywhere,” he lengthened his stride.

“Why? Tsukki, what’s wrong?”

“Just,” Kei took a breath, trying to calm himself, “Just wait for me.”

Tadashi hesitated. Kei wished he knew what he was thinking, “Okay.”

Kei hung up and switched to his playlist and scrolled through Kesha’s recent music to find the one he was looking for. He let it play though his headphones around his neck. After the first line he knew.

[ _I used to live in the darkness,_  
_Dress in black, act so heartless,_  
_But now I see that colors are everything._  
_Got kaleidoscopes in my hairdo,_  
_Got back the stars in my eyes too,_  
_Yeah now I see the magic inside of me._

_Yeah maybe my head's fucked up,_  
_But I'm falling right back in love with being alive,_  
_Dreaming in light, light, lights…_ ]

He ran, feeling the song sing through him. It gave him a courage he rarely experienced in himself. He felt like laughing and crying at the same time. He felt like he was jumping off a cliff and for once he was sure someone would be there to catch him. 

[ _I’ve found a rainbow,_  
_Rainbow baby trust me I know, life is scary,_  
_But just put those colors on girl,_  
_Come and play along with me tonight._

_I'd forgot how to daydream,_  
_So consumed with the wrong things,_  
_But in the dark I realized this life is short…_ ]

He rounded the last corner before the convenience store. He saw his friend first, the song roared along with that familiar click in his mind. Like a prayer or a mantra, his best friend’s new name thrummed. It felt familiar and in a way, Kei felt he’d known what it was all along. 

[ _You gotta learn to let go,_  
_Put the past behind you trust me._  
_I know, ghosts will try to find you,_  
_But just put those colors on girl,_  
_Come and paint the world with me tonight…_ ]

Tadashi was leaning against the bike rack in a lonely parking lot. He was lit by the soft blue and white glow of the convenience store. He didn’t see Kei at first, too busy staring up at the night sky, but when he did, he smiled and Kei knew he wasn’t crazy. He loved him. 

Tadashi’ hand rose into the air just as his voice soared, “Tsukki!”

Kei ran, the song and the name now a part of his soul just as much as it was a part of his heart. He nearly toppled them both over when he reached him. The song ended. He had not looped it, but he’d heard enough. Tadashi was laughing. Kei was desperate. He grabbed his friend’s shoulders, chest heaving and spoke his name. The magnitude of it shone like the first spark of sunrise.

“ _Pride_.”

Tadashi’s reaction was not immediate. Realization dawned on him just after the familiar zing zipped up his spine. The water he’d bought slipped through weak fingers. His eyes were wide enough to see sandcastles. He wasn’t smiling anymore, “What did you say?”

Kei gripped his shoulders tighter if only it’d help him, “ _Pride_. Your name is _Pride_.”

His friend was clutching at the material over his chest. The thick material of his jacket wrinkled beneath white knuckles, “That’s not right.”

“Tadashi!” he grit his teeth, exasperated. Kei pulled his best friend closer until their chests were pressed together. Why wasn’t he listening? Why couldn’t he understand? “You are not pathetic. You never were.”

Tadashi was shaking his head, “But how-”

“Because this is how people see you,” Kei hissed. He was aware of his heart roaring in his ears and the musky smell of his best friend’s deodorant and the freckles cradling red cheeks and then he was leaning in, “Because you are my pride.”

Air rushed out of Tadashi’s body and he was leaning in too. If either of them decided to step away the other would fall with no one to catch them. One of his hands unraveled from Kei’s jacket, shaking but daring. His calloused fingers traced along Kei’s cheek until he was cradling his face. 

His lips formed around syllables Kei heard from far away, “Say it again.”

“You are my _Pride_.”

“Again.”

“My _Pride_.”

“Again.”

“Tadashi-.”

Then his best friend reached up and kissed him. 

The world was silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is a short epilogue tying together loose ends.  
> Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed!~
> 
> Songs: (song - author)  
> Thinking Out Loud - Ed Sheeran  
> I Want to Want Me - Jason Derulo  
> Weak - AJR  
> Kiseki - GReeeeN (https://genius.com/Greeeen-kiseki-lyrics)  
> Dearest - Ayumi Hamasaki (https://lyricstranslate.com/en/dearest-dearest.html-0#ixzz5F72mTtHL)  
> Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga  
> I Bet My Life - Imagine Dragons  
> No Angel - Beyonce  
> Bang Bang - Jessie J. (ft. Ariana Grande, Nicki Manaj)  
> Mind of a Thief - Mother3  
> Zelda - Legend of Zelda: The Minion Cap  
> Final Fantasy VII Main Theme - Final Fantasy VII  
> Clock Town - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask  
> Driftveil City - Pokemon B/W  
> Reunion of Friends - Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  
> Go the Distance - Michael Bolton (personally I like the original movie version better but Michael Bolton's version had better lyrics so here we are)  
> Fast Car - Tracy Chapman  
> Something - The Beatles  
> Don't Stop Me Now - Queen  
> Uptown Funk - Mark Ronson (ft. Bruno Mars)  
> Rainbow - Kesha (I know in 2015 she was still named Ke$ha but seeing as this song was released after she changed her name I decided to use her changed name)


	3. Epilogue

It was a beautiful spring day. 

Tadashi relaxed into the grass and breathed the smell of the cherry blossoms and relished in the warm breeze. Beneath his head, Kei’s leg shifted. Fingers continued to tug his hair out from where it was tied back. Tadashi pretended not to notice and decided to stare at him instead. The sun peeking between the canopy overhead casted prisms into his pale skin and found the color of daffodils in his hair. He didn’t seem to notice Tadashi looking at him.

In the distance he heard Tobio and Shouyou bickering over the best way to teach Yamano how to time a spike. They’d finished practicing an hour ago, the not-so-secret weekend training surprisingly successful, but none of them wanted to head home just yet.

He closed his eyes. Kei’s music was playing from his phone. It was one of Tadashi’s personal favorites and he sang along.

[ _I haven't figured anything out,_  
 _I haven't figured anything, anything, anything out._

 _City dove,_  
 _Fly between the buildings and fences,_  
 _Soft inside but rough on the edges,_  
 _Waiting here for something to come,_  
 _Just holding on…_ ]

Dimly Tadashi heard their classmates and underclassmen shout their farewells. Tadashi raised his hand, thankful they decided to stay out of their business. Being open about their relationship was easy since most people in their team already knew about both their feelings. He fully expected to get a congratulatory text within the upcoming weeks from their upperclassmen when word fully spreads. 

Kei’s fingers stilled long enough for Tadashi to be concerned. He cracked open an eye and saw in his best friend’s face a worry that felt out of place in their sphere of peace, “Hey, Tsukki,” he grabbed Kei’s other hand and gripped it. Their fingers fitted together like a woven cage, “What are you thinking about?”

He was startled out of his thoughts. Tsukki had been doing that a lot lately, especially since the night they’d finally gotten together. However, when Tadashi brought it up he was brushed aside. But not this time, “I wanted to ask you something.”

Fondness kept Tadashi from rolling his eyes, “I’m listening.”

Kai only hesitated for another second before he was reaching into his duffle bag. He dug all the way down to the bottom and pulled out a creased and filthy envelope. It was marked with Kei’s given last name, but that was it. 

He held it above Tadashi’s head, “Here.”

Tadashi took it gingerly, “And this is?”

“It’s my name.”

Tadashi glanced curiously at the back where the word “Tsukishima” was crudely written until the true meaning of Kei’s statement clicked. He gasped and scrambled to sit upright, “You mean you got named? When?”

Kei shifted against the truck of the tree. His eyes dropped to where his phone lay in the grass, still playing the same song. One of his hands came up to his face and slid his glasses up his nose as if it could hide his apprehension. Only for a moment, Tadashi saw his best friend as he was, “Kenma gave it to me after I named him.”

“Oh,” Tadashi gripped the envelope tighter. He realized it was still sealed and the weight of what Kei had done hit him like a punch in the gut, “Do you want me to open it?”

He shrugged, “If you want.”

Tadashi knew what he meant. He was giving Tadashi what Tadashi gave him every time he asked him to say his own name. 

With shaking hands he broke off the seal and unfolded the paper inside. Three words were scribbled and were faded with wear. He read it once, and then twice.

He looked up to catch Kei watching him. The only betrayer of his nerves were his hands flexing in his lap. He didn’t say anything and Tadashi knew he was worried about what his name would mean to Tadashi, the only other person who would know.

Something dark crawled up into his chest.

He read it one last time, then shredded the paper to pieces. 

Kei blinked and in one horrifying moment he crumpled into himself. Tadashi pitched forward, catching his face in his hands, “No, no no no. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“You think I hate your name,” Tadashi declared, poking his weird pointy nose, “I don’t. I love your name. It’s perfect.”

Kei scoffed, though it lacked bite as if only half of him believed him. He shifted his legs again to adjust to Tadashi who’d ended up sitting in his lap kneeling above him, “Names are hardly ever perfect.”

“If you say so, Tsukki,” Tadashi leaned down and kissed him. Their first time was terrible. Now he spent every moment he could finding an excuse to try it all over again because each time was better than the last. Kei found his waist and pressed him closer, his other hand going to run along his hairline at the back of his neck. 

Tadashi on his part wanted to wrap himself around him and never let go.

Kei was the first to break away though he could only move so far with Tadashi’s arms around his neck. He was flushed and breathing hard, but the worry was back. Tadashi didn’t like it. He spoke quietly as if he was afraid that if he said whatever he said next aloud, his fears would be too real, “Do you really not hate it?”

Tadashi shook his head. He repeated his best friend’s true name back through his head until he heard it in every breath. No never. He could never hate it.

“Then why did you tear it apart?”

Tadashi smirked. The grip on his waist tightened enough to bruise, “Can’t you guess?”

Kei scowled, Tadashi needed to kiss him again, “If I could’ve guessed I wouldn’t have asked you.”

“It’s not that hard to figure out,” he chuckled, a feeling that shook them both. They tightened their holds, a feat neither of them knew was possible. Tadashi leant down again, breathing the next words into his boyfriend’s lips, “Because I want to be the only one in the world who will ever know.”

Frustratingly, his best friend didn’t take the bait, “That’s weirdly possessive of you.”

“Is that a problem?”

“No,” Kei’s lips twitched, “I think I like it.”

“Good.”

Then Kei smiled. It was a real one. Much like the one after they kissed for the first time or when Tadashi showed up on his doorstep the next morning, and the morning after and he fully expected to see it every day, even after they no longer had a door keeping them apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> City Dove - Tori Kelly
> 
> This is the end! Thanks for reading! Comments and criticisms appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and critiques welcome!
> 
> Song - Artist
> 
> 6 Miniatures: V. Zinzkaro - Beethoven  
> One and Only - Adele  
> Life Afraid - Set It Off  
> The Beginning - ONE OK ROCK  
> Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna  
> Meteor Shower (Ryuuseigun) - Chihiro Onitsuka  
> (Lyrics from: https://musicbox-trans.livejournal.com/272581.html)  
> Genesis of Aquarion - AKINO and bless4  
> (Lyrics from: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/sousei-no-aquarion-reborn-aquarion.html)  
> Blue Moon - Billie Holiday  
> Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd  
> Piano Man - Billy Joel


End file.
